[Zen888]

Hi Everyone

Did the manner in which your parents raised you and the environment you were in affect the way you are as an adult? I grew up in a very disfunctional abusive...etc family.

My parents are now dead.

I guess what I am trying to say is..... since I wasn't raised in a disciplined environment, lacked nuturing from my dad,...........list goes on......I feel & think as though I wasn't given the handbook for adulthood. I'm on the wrong side of 25 and feel about 20ish. I feel lost in this "adult world" .......confused at times...wanting to revert to younger behaviorisms.....I feel trapped in an adult "mind" & body without the necessary tools to feel secure as an adult. Instead I feel like a helpless child reaching out for comfort and support.

Can anyone relate to this experience? or Give advice on how to cope and grow beyond this?

[sujunew]

I know that the way I was raised, or the relationship I had with my parents at least, has d irectly affected my relationship with my children... for the better. I am very affectionate with them, always hug them and tell them how much I love them, do not use physical discipline(usually!!), and I allow them to be individuals who can make their own choices with certain things, i.e. what they want to wear. I have never had a close relationship with my parents altho it is better now, and I have been determined to ensure that this is not the same between my girls and me. Sorry no advice to give, just that I kinda know what you are saying...

[InACorner]

i know exactly how you feel...my mother worked and left me to fend for myself by age 3. Im 19 years old and feel like im 60. I feel like ive been there done that, seen this seen that. When i was in high school, most kids think losing a friend is the end of the world, not me, i knew they probably wouldnt be my friends when i got out to begin with. As a child, i grew up at babysitters or with one adult or so i was always with an adult. Most of the time they abused me, and one tried to even kidnap me. So i learned alot by the age 6. plus with my parents divorce, i was flying on a plane by myself since age 3, my dad lived in another state. And since we was always drunk i had to take care of myself. So i know what you mean. lol im ready to retire and my career hasnt even started!

[SeptemberMorn]

Most definetely, our environment has a lot to do with the way we end up as adults. Yet, that doesn't mean that we can't continue to grow and learn how to handle life more effectively.

I was over disciplined. My mother would say "protected." My dad left when I was six and never came back despite the fact that my mother asked me to pray for his return every time I prayed. Not a good thing. Left me with a great big hole in my faith in God... until I asked a minister why a child's prayer would go unanswered. He hit the nail right on the head when he said that the child no doubt would have been in danger, somehow, if he had returned. I found out just the kind of danger I had already suffered when in my 40s. My dad had sexually abused me.

Why God didn't strike my grandmother dead from the beginning is beyond me, but it was in His plan. She was my worst abuser.

Like they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... well, some of us. It's my opinion that some of us do break and some of us get so angry at our abuse that it makes us stronger. Either way, we need to learn the right way to deal with life.

We all grow up with "coping mechanisms" but for the most part, they can be flawed. That's where therapy comes in...

[mrb020377]

i have major "flaws" because of my upbringing. I have and will continue to work hard to change these "flaws" I at least now can see them where at one time I didnt!

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Melissa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I find it very difficult to believe you have "flaws," Mel. You're human, like the rest of us.

[mrb020377]

well i am like Pilatus... i wasnt given the handbook on how to act like an adult...... i have had to learn through trial and error.. more errors than anything..... it is during my errors that my "flaws" shine through like rays of sunlight coming through the clouds....

sometimes i feel like i am made of glass and everyone can see them!!!!!!!

[Jenn1fer82]

The way we've been raised good or bad could always be used as a positive way in our character and the way we choose to live our life. Who are the closes and trustworthy people you have in your life right now? Have you been able to turn to these people for support as you're learning how to managing living in the young adult world?

I'm also 25 years old. During this time of age our generations are trying different things to figure out what we want to do in life. For instance I'm going to a junior college and I've been here since I was 20 years old. For a long time I was working full time and haven’t been able to put in the full focus in school but now I've changed that.

You need to be easy on yourself and know that it’s absolutely okay to feel confused and lost at times when you're trying to figure things out for yourself. It is understandable that you may feel like a 17 year old person in an adult world because everything we'll experience in college and new jobs will be something new for us to manage. No one is given the book of instructions to adulthood. Life is all about first hand experiences and you will have to go through it yourself to really know what works best for you. There will be times when you question yourself and wonder why you did what you did but what is important is you realize what works best for you or not.

Take your time and have a support system that you could turn to for advices. I'm sorry to here that your parents haven’t been the strong system that you have wanted them to be. But remember that your character will always continue to grow and become stronger and its just not based on your past but also your choices for the future. Be flexible and understanding for yourself.

[tellybox]

The way my father has treated me from a young age has directly influenced my behaviour and other relationships with people, especially my girlfriend. I'm 18 and discovering for the first time things about myself that I don't particularly like. I see how my father acts today, and I see how I act like him. I am hurtful like him, I am harsh like him, and I react in anger like him. I started therapy today and I am determined to change the ways of my father that I have inside of me.

My girlfriend left me yesterday, citing this as the main reason. To be honest, I don't see why she didn't leave sooner. I'm asking for her forgiveness, I want her to be with me right now in my time of need, but part of me fears that she won't return because she is scared that I won't change. I feel like it's all my fault. I want nothing more then to be rid of my bad qualities.

I started counselling today at my university. I can already feel it helping out. It's made me realize what I've done to people in the past and what I have to do to reconcile with them. I know that I have alot of work ahead of me, and to be honest I'm very excited because I know if I work hard enough, I will succeed. And I want to, because I don't want to live with this feeling of guilt forever.

[Wants2Fly]

I believe that we carry our parents around in our heads and hearts. I think Freud called it something like the superego, but I'm not strong in psychology.

The Greeks captured this idea in a series of plays with the theme, "The sins of the fathers are visited on the heads of the children." One of the plays is about the queen who kills the king. Her son is either banished or grows up separately somehow. When they later meet, they marry, not knowing they are mother and son. They have children. When the son finds out, he plucks out his own eyes. I'm having a bit of trouble with memory, but I think this play is about Orestes, and the series of plays is called the Orestia.

This is a metaphor, I think, for this psychological/emotional heritage that can really us screw us up and screw us over. But growing past all this is the lessons we have to learn to grow into being mature human beings.

It doesn't seem to matter very much whether the dysfunctional family lives in poverty or in a mansion, the kids can grow up just as hurt, confused, angry, and injured.

I don't mean for this to sound hopeless or pessimistic.My point -- and I think I have one -- is that people have been struggling to overcome their pasts and themselves since the dawn of Western civilization.

You are not alone.

[nothemama8]

Since I was raised and loved by my Grandmother, I feel most of my upbring was wonderful, she brought me home from the hospital when I was 3 days old because my biological mother walked out and returned after 7 years, my abandonment problems began then cuz mama jean (bio mother) kept saying she would come and visit every week this didn't happen.
When Mama ( grandmother) got too ill and placed in nursing home I went to live with mama jean who then offered me to her hubby, after running away ending up in State Hosp. ( I'm not able to finish this will right rest later, sorry
Angie

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{Angie}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[phillygirl]

This is an interesting topic for me right now. As a side note, it's interesting to me that I always come to this site and find something posted that is exactly what I'm working on at the moment.

My childhood appears on the outside to have been rather idyllic. Both parents around, didn't lack for anything, not abused or anything. But there was also no real direction, nothing expected or encouraged of me. I don't know about my brothers as much, but I have always just felt like I float around and get petted on the head. And rescued when I screw up yet another job or whatever. It's taken me 38 years to decide I don't need to be 'saved' and I don't need fixed. Something I beat myself up for years over was if my life was so normal and nothing ever really happened to me, what right do I have to be so messed up?

My mother is a social butterfly in some ways, has tons of friends and likes to put on all the fancy parties and that sort of thing. My dad is very quiet, keeps to himself and has few friends of his own. I tend to be very shy myself and am nothing like the socialite my mother tries to be. I hate that sort of thing actually. I'm only just recently discovering how superficial they can be, have the big house, the fancy stuff the rest of their generation doesn't have. I don't care about that stuff, I just want to live my little life and at some point, find someone to share it with.

But one of the things I was talking about with my therapist last week was about their low expectations of me and how that's carried through my life. A lot of the worst low spots were when I gave up and figued look there's another thing I screwed up, see I never will be any good. I don't know that I blame them for that attitude but when they swoop in and pick up the pieces with their attitiude of 'we knew it would happen again', it just perpetuates the cycle of my ups and downs. I'm at the point now where I want to break that cycle.

That's what I'm working on now, a total life change and going back to school. That involves a large relocation and a lot of angst on their part because the folks assume I will come crawling home like they knew I would. I want to be strong and be my own person finally.

[jmo531]

I definitely feel that how "we were raised" has alot to do with the people we are today. I also believe that it effects us in a negative and positive way.

Some of us may spend all of our energies trying not to be like our parents. Then there are times when we feel we are just like them. It's a battle for sure.

I think for me, and the fact that I was able to resolve my "past issues" with my Mother brings a sense of closure on our past. Since my mother and I have been able to put all of it behind us, mostly for healing purposes but also, my mother was able to look back and realize her mistakes and that was a growth process not only for me, but for her as well.

For many, many years I was branded as the family "misfit" or the ever so popular "blacksheep". I was always so open, honest and bold. My family didn't know how to deal with that so they like to call me the problem. Fact is, I had hidden behind all of that agression and anger because I was always afraid of letting anyone see me hurt, cry or be vulnerable. If they had seen my that way, it always made me feel that they had got the better of me.

It wasnt until my adulthood when I was able to sit down with my Mom and explain to her why I was the way I was. The details were not pretty, but she understood for the first time exactly who I was and it was a wonderful moment for both of us.

I can not say I have had the same experience with my father. I basically have come to terms that he will never take responsibility for his actions, for his haneous actions. He will never admit fault. Even though I have such intense anger with him, he is after all still my father and I will forever try with all my might to never turn out to be like him.

Sorry, I kinda went off on a tangin. I think this is a great post. It gives us all the chance to reflect.

Thank you for letting me add my experience.

[forever21]

This is an intresting topic for me right now cause I too am going through allot of personal inner issues in which I feel was a result of my upbringing. My parents well better said my mother was very strick and old fashion and because of it she spent more time disciplining me instead of showing me love especially in the times I feel as I needed her the most and have retaleated against it now I wish I was a better daughter but I am a mother of two having my first child at the age of 18 and the second at age 21 I have had no choice to grow up sooner than what I wanted but I have learned from my parents as in I use my experience as a child with them and raise my daughter the oppisite. I have been really affected by my upbringing due to the lack of love and support I have recieved and my fathers death at the age of 14 I have allot of abandoment issues and I try to seek aceptaince and love from anywhere which is a characteristic of me in which I extreamly hate. I just hate that it took me this long to realize and accept my issues now that I have pushed everyone away and made others hate me.

my parents fought 24/7. i graduated from highschool at 16 and left and didn't "go" back for 40 years. i visited, but i was very careful about being surrounded by my family when i went there........

due to my upbringing, i never fought in front of my children. we might argue, normal stuff, but no screaming, throwing things, cussing and saying "if it wasn't for Pat, i'd leave you".....boy, that sure made me feel special.

and i can't maintain a relationship the way i want to and i know that has a lot to do with it. seeing them interact as they did. i was also molested and that sure colored my view of the world.

[sidony]

My parents were loving but never gave me any responsibilities. I didn't have to do any chores. My mother did all the cooking and cleaning and laundry. I remember when I got to college I had to figure out how to use a laundry machine because I'd never used it! And I'm afraid I'll always be a bad housekeeper because I never learned to make being neat part of my routine (my mother always cleaned my room for me). Most anything I wanted they would get for me (within reason). It definitely would have helped me to have some responsibilities -- when I got into the adult world, I was really overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs to be done every day! And I still don't do half of it. I eat lots of frozen food, and I periodically have to hire a maid service to come help me out because my place gets so messy (and I'm a single adult living alone!). I think if I'd had some responsibilities as a child (or a teenager) I wouldn't have felt so overwhelmed when I left home and tried to figure out how to take care of everything myself. I didn't even know how to check the oil in my car since my dad always took care of that.

They loved me but didn't know how to help me prepare for the real world. They thought the best evidence of love would be to take care of everything for me. But it really would have been better to expect me to take care of a few things myself. But all in all, I still turned out allright (except for maybe being a slob). :-)

Interesting thread!
Sidony