Growing old without children

I'm still young and shackled by student loan debt, but been coming to terms with being okay with not having children in this lifetime. I'm okay with it, but I'd like to poll anyone who has input:

-Most people with children are always pushing childless people/couples to produce their own. How do you deal with these situations?
-To anyone who is in this situation: how has it worked for you?
Do you have a partner?
How do you feel in retrospect about your life? Are you at peace with yourself, or not?

Thoughts? Perspective?

Hi, blackmagic.

I'm single and I don't have kids. I'm 28 years old.

My mental health issues make me not want kids, let alone go near them; they make me incredibly anxious. Call it a phobia, I suppose, because that's a fitting description.

The thing is, part of me would love to have a son, and sometimes I'll think that it'd be nice to have a daughter. I'm told I'd be a great father, by my dad, by girlfriends, by friends. I wonder about what I could teach; the positive influence I could be. When I think about these things, I tend to get upset, because I know I could never have kids. Some people should never have kids, and I'm just one of them. I know that I would be a crap father. I'm too screwed up. I don't want my bullcrap going onto them; that's not fair! My mother did that to me and I still hate her for it.

The hardest part about the whole thing, for me, is finding a woman who isn't all "BABY, BABY, BABY. I WANT BABY!" not that I blame them for wanting kids, that would be silly, it's just frustrating when you aren't that way inclined. There is a very, very small possibility that one day I could manage at least 1 child without freaking out, but it's one hell of a small chance. By the time I'd ever get "healthy" enough to cope, I'd probably be far too old, anyway. ¬_¬ Even if I DID have kids, I wouldn't be able to participate with some things, and so it wouldn't be fair on the mother; I'd be a crap husband, too! Wonderful! ¬_¬

Sorry, that was probably veering slightly off-topic.

Funnily enough, my dad's like a big baby, so I'm a bit like a father to him? lol OK, not really, but he is a right numpty, sometimes. xD

I'm 35, single and don't have children. I know full well why I don't have children, so outside pressure is not a factor. I'm happy for people who have children, it's a great blessing and joy, but my situation is mine and none of their business.

I don't really find myself in situations where anyone brings up my single/childless status. So there is a 35-year old woman who is not married and doesn't have children. What is there to say about that, really? It didn't work out for her and it's pretty rude to make comments. Of course there are situations at work with clients when tactless people say stuff like "No children yet? What are you waiting for??" You just have to smile and say something empty and wait for them to change the subject.

I am in my mid 20s and don't have children and it's not seen as much of an oddity…yet. That because society dictates I "concentrate on my career" at this point. People in my family especially don't nag me about not having kids because I'm the "baby" of the family and if anything would think I'd be too immature to handle it. I think I'd make a great wife and mother though. Fortunately my boyfriend is a pretty good prospect and he wants children himself at some point.

Also, growing old without kids isn't foreign to my family as my siblings and several other aunts/uncles of mine don't have them. They have nieces and nephews though so they aren't totally alone.

I would love to have children because I am the youngest and if I don't have children I'll be old and I won't have anyone close to me, to pass my things onto, etc,. I don't currently have any nieces and nephews and my older 2 siblings defiantly won't be producing any. So yes, I would be very VERY disappointed not to ever have children. I don't care if they are girls or boys but I'd like to have some one day, at least 2 would be nice.

I'm hopeful though. My dad dreamed about a grandson and I dreamed I was holding a newborn infant(don't know what gender) and on a separate occasion I dreamed about a well dressed tan skinned little boy with curly brown hair.

I am 58 and childless - I felt that with my depression issues it would be unkind to serve out to my children what I had to put up from my father. I am sure I was right about this, but if my wife had wanted children I would have been open to discussion, but she did not.

We childless people do feel a certain wistful sentimentality about children, but this seldom lasts very long when you come into contact with the real thing! We have cats as child substitutes, which is rather pathetic when you think about it. You make your choices and live with them. I hope this helps you.

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Originally Posted by blackmagic I'm still young and shackled by student loan debt, but been coming to terms with being okay with not having children in this lifetime. I'm okay with it, but I'd like to poll anyone who has input: -Most people with children are always pushing childless people/couples to produce their own. How do you deal with these situations? -To anyone who is in this situation: how has it worked for you? Do you have a partner? How do you feel in retrospect about your life? Are you at peace with yourself, or not? Thoughts? Perspective?

I think this thing about expecting couples to have kids is wrong. Not everyone is "cut out" to be a parent, and it is better to remain childless than doing it cause you think people want you to.

It's none of their business, plus they could be hitting on a nerve: Some people may want kids, but they are unable to have them for medical reasons. This could be very painful for them. People suck anyway, I think. Always asking things that are not their business.

People make assumptions about others, esp. women. They assume because I'm a woman, I automatically love kids and babies. I'm not comfortable around kids (too noisy) or babies (again, noise and the mess, LOL).

I wish I had a partner; I still love my ex-bf and he has/had similar feelings about kids. He never wanted any, neither have I. Match made in heaven, except he became ill....We are still friends, but I still miss what we had.

I worry about growing old without kids because there is no one else to care about me. I'm not saying kids always care, and I don't want to be a burden to anyone either. But at least (most likely), offspring will notice if mom is getting dementia or something. Someone to look after my interests or get someone to care for me, when I can't do it myself anymore.

My best hope is a reliable caregiver. No kids or grandkids, but I wouldn't want to have them just so I can have somebody to take care of me. Kids don't ask to be born, so one should be sure they really want them.

You're very tactful around these conventionally-minded people.

I wanted children, it is all I ever wanted really. I'm 50, so it isn't going to happen now, I accepted that a while back, it still hurts though. I can see that I'm not fit to be a mum and I would never, ever want to risk passing on my depression to a child, either through genetics or bad parenting and the risk of both those things was unacceptably high.

Ultimately, I didn't actively decide not to have children, I just opted out of relationships and by default I opted out of having children too, as I didn't see myself as a single parent.

Frankly, I don't care about what other people think, I'm different in so many ways that my childlessness couldn't possibly make me stand out any more than I do anyway;

I'm 38 and a bit late for having kids too, plus the diagnosis of schizophrenia (and previous - undiagnosed - depression/bipolar-ish, OCD,...) and the meds I'm on could have teratogenic effect.
I used to want 4 kids at 19, but then worked with children and lost the wish
And as depression hit in, I felt I didn't want to impose this on any kids too.

Now that I 'can't/shouldn't' have kids I actually catch myself wistful at seeing other people and their kids.
I've worried about growing old without kids too.
I have a few child-free friends, and child-free forums have been a help in finding words for me and my relatives too. (My mum and dad used to want grandkids a lot, are slowly getting to terms that there probably won't be any...)

I don't want to physically have kids, wouldn't mind beeing a stepmom maybe, though I can hardly take care of myself, it seems. I'd like to have a partner/husband, ideally someone who can't have kids (anymore), not sure if birth control pills would be right for me, and some other methods aren't so 100%. So I stay single. Even though I'd prefer to be in a relationship. Ahh well... If I accidentally got pregnant I wouldn't get rid of the baby, but I would fear it would be 'damaged' in some way and not healthy...

In retrospect, I wish I would have kids when younger, when I still wanted them and was more 'gung ho' about things. But my parents fretted so much about me finishing education first and criticised my first boyfriend etc. I wish I had 'found someone' reliable and trustworthy earlier too - now I feel too old and 'damaged' (back/neck health etc).

I live with my parents and don't know what I'll do when they'll be gone, financially and otherwise. My ex classmates have almost-grown kids and I envy them a bit.

I'm past the point of ever having the possibility. I'm single. I'm at peace with it, since I would have been an awful mother due to my problems.

ETA: I'm very glad there isn't someone on earth who's consumed with rage and hatred towards me. Very glad I never caused that amount of pain.

People can be quite rude. I think its simply unacceptable to question someone about having children. You have no idea if they are infertile and not being able to have kids is emotionally painful or if it is a personal choice.

I agree with the poster who said that women are expected to automatically love children. I'm female and I don't have a desire for kids. In fact, my anxiety disorder is so bad that a screaming child can set me off for the rest of the day with anxiety literally shooting through my system. But, can I tell anyone this? Nooooo.....they all think I am a child-hater. (Yes, I have been attacked for not automatically thinking that kids are the best things EVER.)

I hate to say it (ok, I love to say it, just not out loud), but I love my unborn, never will be children more than a lot of people love the children they actually have. Maybe I've spent too much time in the company of others who were also abused as children, I don't know. I just know there are a heck of a lot of people who don't plan for kids, just end up preggo, and then treat their kids like crap because they never really wanted them. I think these people should be questioned more than those of us who consciously decide that kids aren't for us!

Children are lovely -- from a distance. I knew since I was 5 years old that I did not want kids. I hated being a kid. I hated other kids. I felt it would be immoral to bring a child into such a horrible world. Later I felt that it was immoral to have biological children when there are so many children already living who need a loving home. I still feel that way. I would have adopted, but I didn't have the finances to do that. Also, I like to sleep on a regular basis.

I don't encounter many situations where people ask me why I don't have a husband or children. When I do, I tell them that they're too much trouble. I like living alone. After working for someone else all day, I like coming home and doing what I want, when I want and how I want. Or I just smile sweetly and change the topic.

Besides, having children is no guarantee that they will take care of you when you grow old.

I've had to answer this question quite a lot lately. I guess the pressures on women aren't really letting up are they? I think maybe this whole issue is made worse by the fact that there's so much stigma surrounding women who can't but do want children that it's difficult to accept the choices of women who don't. But to answer your questions...

- I think honesty is usually the best policy. Not wanting children doesn't mean you don't like them (or can't act like you like them). If you can help out with your friends children this reinforces the fact you're not 'abnormal' or just being 'selfish' - and underlines that your decision is your own but you're still a good person and friend.
- I've always known i don't want children - to me it's as natural a feeling as those who do want them. Do i worry about growing old alone? Not really - children don't guarantee that sort of fulfillment. I don't currently have a partner, i was engaged to a woman but it ended quite badly. I think it's because the person i genuinely love can't be mine for various reasons. A lot of people would feel positively ill without a significant other AND children but it is what it is. I'm not a conventional person and didn't expect a conventional sort of life.
- I am at peace with myself, i've not had the best of luck or the easiest life but i'm resigned to my limitations. Fighting against it all is just a waste of energy. I feel fortunate that i'm not living in a time where women are destined for only one thing and should they fail that they're a disgrace to womanhood the world over.

Just be yourself, the promise of marriage or children etc can be a very hollow one, the amount of people i know who regret their decisions and can't even discuss it openly beggars belief. I know which sort of situation i'd rather be in.

Aye, it's a big deal here in Utah to have children at a very young age. It's not uncommon for teens to get married straight out of high school and have a baby right after. Where I live, I'm actually surrounded by teen moms.

I feel left out all the time, and feel bad that I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. It feels as if I'll never get one. As for wanting children, I can't really see myself having them at this time around.

Thank you. I really appreciate this post.

Children are my PTSD triggers. Their crying is enough to drive me to tears as well. It's slowly getting better but by the time it heals I'll be way out of childbearing age. Am I going to explain that to every asshole who feels it's their place to make a comment? Not worth my breath or emotions.

That was me! I relate to the screaming. I find it unbearable, and there's a lot of screaming kids in the libraries these days. When I was a kid myself, they were deathly quiet places. I'm sure my blood pressure goes up when they scream. I go to the library because I'm a bookworm. But they are free day-care centers now.

And what's so cute about spit up, soiled diapers, and a red-faced baby screaming its lungs out?

I am 28 yrs old and bf is 34. I have a different mindset on children. I do not hate them, but I hated my childhood seeing all that **** makes me not want to have kids again, why? I feel no matter how much therapy you went through, something can still be triggered and you could repeat those patterns from your abusive parents to your kids and I feel some victims of abuse shouldn't have kids we could end up having those triggers.

I was never close to children growing up I was used to being around teens/college students because my siblings are 18 and 14 yrs older than me. I love pets better than a child, I find animals are easier to deal with than a human. In this economy, to me, I have student loan debt and still trying to fix my broken *** life that I am not even emotionally available to raise a child. I wanted to be the kind of woman to go on an adventure, travel, etc but I never became that kind of woman.

With children, why can't we take care of the ones in foster care? We can't even take care of the ones hurting and needing a home yet we can do it the old fashion way to get a baby and take care of the one we produced vs the ones who were thrown away. I told one woman one time having kids isn't everything, not many people were meant to have kids.

Oh my, how times have changed! I remember how libraries were deathly quiet when I was a kid. In fact, there were a lot more places where screaming children were not accepted. But nowadays, it seems that the mommy movement is out in full force (have you read any of their social media posts?), and they all believe that they have a right to be out in public with a screaming child, even if it affects everyone around them. I was a VERY fussy child, but my parents had enough sense to remove me from public if I was not behaving properly. (Yes, I have heard the stories, lol.) Is it right for a parent to say "I deserve to be here in this restaurant with a screaming child even though it is ruing the meals of maybe 100 other people"...I'd say heck no, and its just a reflection of people thinking they (or their children) have a right to behave any which way, with no concern for anyone else.

I guess it just irks me as when I was a child, I was very much expected to respect my elders, my parents, my grandparents and such. I was expected to behave in a certain way when I was out in public, and if I didn't then there were consequences. Now it seems like that has flipped on its head and that everyone must respect the babies and children and well behaved adults have less and less rights. I have actually feared confronting an adult with a poorly behaved child. Once I was in the company of another who was in fact brave enough to tell the mother to control her child. I wanted to hug him!

LOTS of people think that spit-up, spoiled diapers, and screaming babies are just SOOO cute! I think I've seen enough facebook posts about baby poop to last me 5 lifetimes. I think this is why I stick to childless friends!

I saw this thread and thought..yeah this is me. I am almost 57 divorced 2 times and never wanted children. I never should have married either. I felt pressure more so to get married than to have children.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I would have been a child raising children. I would not have repeated all of my mother's mistakes nor abandoned my children like my fathers did but I would have repeated some so I knew I was not the good mother type. I never had a relationship where I felt content so children would not have been an answer.

I now find that not having children brings on some bad ramifications like not having family who would care for me as I get older and see to it that I get buried. I have no family at all to see to that. I wonder who will be my executor when I die. Things like that bother me. On the other hand, I am glad that I didn't mess up my children's life with my own mental health problems. Thank God I didn't continue to drink after my high school years.

Overall, there is good and bad. The lack of family altogether is in my mind the worst case scenario. I have been investing in friendships to take the place of family. It is not ideal but it is my situation so I am coping the best way that I can.

That's my only regret, no family to help me now. But there's no guarantee kids would have done that anyway.

I think it's important not to deny the potential pitfalls of a childless existence rather then gloss over it with justifications, platitudes etc.

I read recently in a magazine of one woman's childless reality - the partner she decided not to have children with eventually ran off to someone younger who, surprise surprise, had children. She now spends Christmas volunteering and doesn't know what kind of security the future holds.

I don't fear dying alone or anything - we all die alone no matter who's there physically. And things like wills and funerals can usually be prearranged with enough notice. For me it's the fear of regret - will wondering about the 'what ifs' become so strong that whether or not i made the right choice i still would have liked to try certain things?

It's not something that can be answered until it happens - that's what makes it all the harder.

Maybe there should be a thread for those of us for whom it's physically too late.

Perhaps a support group for those who feel they need it would be a good idea - i like the idea of those without family in their lives having a safe place to go and be among people who know what such a situation feels like.