[bridgie]

i am always percieved as a woman who wants sex. i dont dress sexy i dont wear makeup to look pretty and i dont talk like i want sex. yet men seem to want me for it. just once i would like to be the girlfriend not the fwb. i dont know what im doing wrong. i go hang out we watch movies together we eat together they cook for me and then they find a woman that makes them want to settle down and i am nothing. why didnt they want to settle down with me. i think there is something seriously wrong and i cant figure what it is.

[curley]

Hi Bridgie, You say you don't dress sexy or talk about it but you don't say that you don't have sex with these guys.
If you are then that may be the reason they move on.
If you are not having sex with them, then for some reason you may seem like one of the guys to them.
It sounds like you are fairly young....I would not worry either way your Prince will show up!

Originally Posted by bridgie

i am always percieved as a woman who wants sex. ...........

Next time - think of my face. Then you will definately NOT want sex. (at least that seems to work for everyone else in the world)....

[healingme4me]

How to move into gf territory, is to express, no sex, without knowing it's a mutually exclusive relationship, with potential for more.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How to move into gf territory, is to express, no sex, without knowing it's a mutually exclusive relationship, with potential for more.

On a serious note..... i think it should be NONE until after marriage. Anything else is simply disrespectful to the other person.

[jjettxtc]

trust women are not much different im always the fun fwb but never good enough to be the gf...and i think considering how screwed up my most recent fwb was i think i really am better off but it doesnt mean i miss her any less...

[CathyCobb]

OMG, Jet & Bridgie, if you only knew it you have all the power. I know you hurt right now, but, the guy or girl who's not "easy" is irresistible if you are attracted to them at all. That means no sex till it means something more than just sex. I know that's hard for all of us, men & women, but it's powerful. Unfortunately, it's not something I ever learned in time...

[hamster-bamster]

It could be that you are desperate on some level and they sense it in some subtle and possibly unconscious way. I I have never had this problem and have had a heap of problems of the opposite type (excellent guys want to settle down but I am not moved), so I am thinking that it might be the the issue of being desperate. If that is the case, maybe you can try hard not to act desperate and hope to fake it until you make it, as some say. The best though would be simply to not feel desperate. Can you decide that you are too young to settle down for now?

Also, a fine art of being a prick-teaser may need to be mastered by you. You might also try playing a game in which you do wear mini-skirts and issue an alluring smile periodically, but you wouldn't actually go to bed with anyone. I am not saying that you would end up being a gf, but it would be a fun game to play.

On a more serious note, you are not ready to settle down because your motivation to settle down is driven purely by your idea that you are somehow inferior to other women because men do not choose you to settle down with. And they are right - this kind of motivation would be short-lived and not enough to sustain you and a hypothetical man over a long haul. And that might also be something that men in your life sense on an intuitive level - they sense that you are a little girl who wants to play house.

In other words, perhaps your situation does not need any fixes but will change on its own as you mature as a person.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

It could be that you are desperate on some level and they sense it in some subtle and possibly unconscious way. I I have never had this problem and have had a heap of problems of the opposite type (excellent guys want to settle down but I am not moved), so I am thinking that it might be the the issue of being desperate. If that is the case, maybe you can try hard not to act desperate and hope to fake it until you make it, as some say. The best though would be simply to not feel desperate. Can you decide that you are too young to settle down for now?

Also, a fine art of being a prick-teaser may need to be mastered by you. You might also try playing a game in which you do wear mini-skirts and issue an alluring smile periodically, but you wouldn't actually go to bed with anyone. I am not saying that you would end up being a gf, but it would be a fun game to play.

On a more serious note, you are not ready to settle down because your motivation to settle down is driven purely by your idea that you are somehow inferior to other women because men do not choose you to settle down with. And they are right - this kind of motivation would be short-lived and not enough to sustain you and a hypothetical man over a long haul. And that might also be something that men in your life sense on an intuitive level - they sense that you are a little girl who wants to play house.

In other words, perhaps your situation does not need any fixes but will change on its own as you mature as a person.

The thing about that, art, is to not do it in a teasingly, paying attention to attention type of way. The thing is, to feel confident in how you look, how you feel on the inside, that it almost becomes an air of 'whatever' about you, as you walk on by. It's not about noticing that they notice, it's about knowing eyes are on you, and the power to ignore each and every single on of them, but perhaps, that luck guy, who perhaps stands behind that counter, and he catches a smile from a usually serious face. There's something powerful about walking by if out on a smoke break, chatting it up with a female, and not even a single semblance of eye contact, as you feel them cringe...

now that's something to strive for....

[adam_k]

Have you tried talking to the guys you are referring to? Tell them you are interested in something serious if that is what you want with them.

I think as a general rule guys always try for sex even if they don't want something serious or commitment. I think you have to weed people out that are just looking for that and bot for what you want. Talking and being straight forward is the best way in my opinion. At least they know where you stand and what your looking for.

[hamster-bamster]

I think that Healing described where you need to go. Master that, and then indeed maybe one lucky guy emerges from the crowd. Right now you are viewing guys as tools to give you the status you want. You are not viewing them as individuals. People in general prefer being viewed as individuals rather than instruments. Had you viewed at least one of those guys you have been with as a person, you would have described at least some quirk about him - something that makes him him. Rather, you described a sequence of events that as of recently has been bothering you in that it does not lead in the preferred direction. In the sequence you described, guys seem to be interchangeable and basically generic, and What you want for now seems to be to settle down with a generic guy. Wait until you want to be with someone who is at least a little special for and dear to you...

[jjettxtc]

in my case mine knew i was intrested in something more the entire time but in her defense...she did nothing to encourage it unless continuing to sleep with me would be encouraging it ...and in retrospect yeah that is encouraging it. sorry brief moment of enlightenment...

[jjettxtc]

while im at it..ive found the in a fwb situation the one party wants to be the gf and usually the opposite party is the one with the most issues. (non comittal etc etc)

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by jjettxtc

.she did nothing to encourage it unless continuing to sleep with me would be encouraging it ...and in retrospect yeah that is encouraging it. sorry brief moment of enlightenment...

I would think that continuing to sleep with you was just a selfish act not an act of encouragement. Seems more like she was getting something she wasn't willing to give up until the time was right for her. People who just want the benefits without the responsibility of a relationship are just like that.

If you seriously want to have a relationship with a person then sex has to come after not before & that means being insightful & recognizing those who are just leading you on.

I believe in NO sex until after marriage. Doesn't guarantee a perfect relationship but at least the initial commitment is intended at that time as usually no one is usually willing to go as far as marriage just for sex...weeds out those only interested in sex & focuses on the ability to have a REAL relationship with someone who does care

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I577 using Tapatalk 2

[jjettxtc]

I have no intrest in ever being married and im not sure its legal in my state for sure anyway.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by jjettxtc

I have no intrest in ever being married and im not sure its legal in my state for sure anyway.

Doesn't really matter....the rest applies anyway.

No long term relationship commitment.....NO SEX!!!! if you don't like being in a bad position. It doesn't guarantee a perfect relationship....but it's a lot better than feeling used or being used & not being aware of it because it's something we never want to admit is happening.

Originally Posted by eskielover

... No long term relationship commitment.....NO SEX!!!! ....

Nice to see a person on the internet with morals.

[hamster-bamster]

I have gone through the exercise of picturing how Bridgie could implement the advice given on the thread. Some of the advice, that is. For the purposes of the hypothetical, I will assume that she has recently had 5 casual sex encounters with guys A, B, C, D, and E.

Scenario 1.

Bridgie cooks a large dinner and invites all the guys at once.

"A, B, C, D, and E! I wanted to have you all come together because I have an important announcement to make. I no longer do casual sex. Only sex within a long term relationship which should be exclusive on both sides. I do very much thank you for the wonderful times we shared, and for the favor of cooking for me, but times have changed - place your bids in the envelopes that I put near your plates, indicating how long a relationship you are ready to commit to. I will choose the guy who proposes the longest term. To make the selection process blind so as to assure you that I have no bias for or against any of you, but rather like you all and simply want to choose one of you based on purely objective criteria, I have hired an independent response processing company that will look at and tabulate your answers. They don't know your handwriting and the envelopes have your names encodex and encrypted. "

2) Scenario 2. Bridgie tells the news to the guy E from the most recent casual sex encounter, hoping that he would be amenable to the new arrangement. She is surprised that he is amenable, and they move in together. He stops cooking for her and she has to do his laundry. She starts missing the old days when many guys were happy to cook for her and all did their own laundry. She even becomes worried that being a gf is not all it's cracked up to be. Finally, she remembers guy A from awhile ago. Perhaps it was not a good idea to simply move in with E. Maybe A would have been more fun to be with, and possibly he would have done not only his own but also her laundry. No, she rushed to move in...

3) Scenario 3. Bridgie discards the 5 men and decides to start from scratch. The first guy she meets quickly agrees to her plan. They move in together promptly. In the beginning, the guy is nice, but little by little, disturbing news would start to come in: the guy is a former federal prison inmate etc.

The morale of the first two scenarios is that Bridgie does not have any tools for selecting one guy over others if she gets multiple offers. The morale of the third scenario is that Bridgie does not have tools to discern why a guy is so eager.

Scenario 3 is an exaggerated example from my life. Last year, I contacted a former friend from many years ago. He was eager to have a relationship. His emails and conversations with him revealed that he was a boring, lonely man - in other words, he was desperate. I was old enough and experienced/intuitive enough to see that, plus, my older friend who kind of pledged to give me motherly advice when I need it (my mom died), read some of his emails and opined that he is bored out of his mind.

I can tell when a guy is so smitten that he proposes right away (which still does not guarantee good results), and I won't confuse that kind of guy with one who is desperate. Plus, a wise older woman is ready to help if I am unsure. How would Bridgie given that all she has experienced is casual sex figure out why a guy agrees to her terms - out of desperation or not?

Bridgie, I suggest you relax about it and not rush to settle down with anybody. You are probably well fed and clearly do have internet access, so the basics are taken care of. Guys like you enough to cook for and entertain you. It is not so bad, really. You do not report any attachment to any of the guys, I.e. nobody is really special to you. Likewise, they do not seem to have developed any attachment to you. So your situation is symmetrical - you are not attached to them and they are. Not attached to you, but there is some mutual entertainment. It really is not so bad. When you start getting attached, you will feel it. Then it will be time for a change, but now you can keep the status quo and do some fun things for yourself outside of sex.

[JBoen]

Sex will not guarantee long happy love relationship. Its all about feeling.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[bridgie]

Originally Posted by adam_k

Have you tried talking to the guys you are referring to? Tell them you are interested in something serious if that is what you want with them.

I think as a general rule guys always try for sex even if they don't want something serious or commitment. I think you have to weed people out that are just looking for that and bot for what you want. Talking and being straight forward is the best way in my opinion. At least they know where you stand and what your looking for.

i try and tell ppl i am looking for serious and long term but that doesnt deter these men at all from trying for more intimate relations fast.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by bridgie

i try and tell ppl i am looking for serious and long term but that doesnt deter these men at all from trying for more intimate relations fast.

The only one who can say NO is you!!!!.....you are the one that has to be in control of your life & what you really want....if they are pushing for that then they aren't the kind of person you want in the first place......your past may tell you different or you may need caring that you never got growing up that this is filling the need to make you feel like you are wanted....but trust me...the only thing those kind of guys want to fulfill is their OWN LUST...& they really don't care about you.

[bridgie]

perhaps a little time on my own deciphering how to make myself look like a serious potential partner is in order.

[hamster-bamster]

Good idea and good luck.

[eskielover]

Working on yourself & what you really want & how to get it out of life is a good thing.....but you also need the PATIENCE to keep working on it until the RIGHT person comes along.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bridgie

i am always percieved as a woman who wants sex. i dont dress sexy i dont wear makeup to look pretty and i dont talk like i want sex. yet men seem to want me for it. just once i would like to be the girlfriend not the fwb. i dont know what im doing wrong. i go hang out we watch movies together we eat together they cook for me and then they find a woman that makes them want to settle down and i am nothing. why didnt they want to settle down with me. i think there is something seriously wrong and i cant figure what it is.

Bridgie, I remembered your post and have an idea for you, but first, I want to hear how you are doing because you might not want any ideas if positive changes have already taken place. (positive=what you wanted)