[Reznov115]

I'm new to the site, forgive me if I'm posting this in the wrong place or breaking any sort of rules. I recently submitted the following to 'ask' but now realize I may have just wasted someone's time who could have been helping those who need it far more than I.

I can't seem to get rid of feelings for my best friend. We've known each other for almost 6 years now. Around the time we first met we tried dating, which didn't work out.
I broke up with her and we remained friends. 2-3 years later we both ended up moving across the country to the same place, same school, only blocks away from each other. We tried dating
again which resulted in her breaking up with me, as she found it difficult to see me as more than her best friend. I never really got over her from then on. She's dated twice since, both times I noticed
how I wasn't too happy for her, and that it bothered me. Now, about a year later it's far worse. She's by all means the most important thing in my life, thinking of ever leaving her hurts me. All of my biggest fears
relate to losing her in some way. All of my plans in life include her, and recently all of my dreams at night are about her.
I see her every day. We talk every day. Our families are so close we're almost considered siblings.
She says she sees me as a brother, but I know that's not true. Almost our entire humor consists of inside jokes
and code-words relating to being with each other either sexually or romantically. (When alone she jokes about it far more.)
When asked by others if we're into each other, I joke around with it while she denies it immediately and becomes irritable. From an outside perspective we seem by all means a couple. But every time
I joke about or bring up us being anything more than best friends, she seems grossed out or disappointed that I would even think about it.
She likely doesn't know I still have any feelings for her (she may assume I have a small crush, I'm not sure), as our sense of humor and my actions correlate rather well. When I try to spend less time with her, I end
up hanging out with her anyways or the feelings I have return
as soon as I see her again. I've tried finding something or someone to distract me from thoughts about her to no avail. I feel like I'm stuck with these feelings that I can't ever tell her about.
I'm afraid it could damage our friendship, despite her telling me she doesn't care about how I feel about her, as long as I'm still in her life. I'm afraid once I tell her, it will become a real truth
and I'll never be able to get over it, If I ever could anyways. I've started loosing sleep and concentration over her. The few friends that know about this have run out of ideas or are
telling me to talk to her about it. I feel like I may become depressed over this and I can't stand the guilty feeling I have when I'm around her.
It's very unlikely that we won't be seeing a lot of each other for the rest of our lives and I have a responsibility to protect her from everything I can, including my own feelings. I love her, and don't ever want to put her through a situation where her best friend
isn't what she thought I was. How do I get over this? Or how do I better keep this to myself? I've considered telling her, but I think more bad could come from that than good.

[kaliope]

hi reznov
you don't say what bad is going to come from it. how can it be worse that all the pain and difficulty you are having in your life because you are keeping this secret. your friendship has made it thru two breakups before. why would it not make it through you discussing your feelings for her? just because you discuss your feelings, doesn't mean you have to expect her to reciprocate. and you can make that clear to her. but you are in pain. she is your friend. surely she would want to know about this. but the reality is, you guys have tried this twice before and it hasn't worked. you have to see what it is about her that you have put her up on this pedestal that you cant see beyond her, that she is occupying your every thought. but who knows, maybe she would be willing to give it another shot? you never know until you ask.. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[ChipperMonkey]

Wouldn't you rather know than continue to play this avoidant guessing game? I say go for it. I much rather regret something I did than something I didn't do. If you don't take a chance, then for the rest of your life you will be second guessing yourself. That's no way to live!

[hvert]

Idea: Tell her that you need to stop seeing her or contacting her for six months while you get over these feelings. Best case scenario, she feels the same way. Worst case, you take a short break from the friendship and let yourself get over her.

I think hvert is right. Separation is the only cure for obsession if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. I have a close friend who has had the misfortune of several of her close male friends confessing their love to her, and when she did not reciprocate, they left her refusing to even be friends. She was devastated to lose them.
Most likely, this girl is going to want to stay close friends with you, even if she doesn't feel romantic feelings. So separating yourself from her will allow your feelings to cool, and maybe grow towards someone else, plus you won't be clinging to your friend, or forcing her affection, or worshiping her. **Make sure you tell her you are leaving and why before you do though. Don't keep this to yourself, bc it can only hurt both of you.**

[Reznov115]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi reznov
you don't say what bad is going to come from it. how can it be worse that all the pain and difficulty you are having in your life because you are keeping this secret. your friendship has made it thru two breakups before. why would it not make it through you discussing your feelings for her? just because you discuss your feelings, doesn't mean you have to expect her to reciprocate. and you can make that clear to her. but you are in pain. she is your friend. surely she would want to know about this. but the reality is, you guys have tried this twice before and it hasn't worked. you have to see what it is about her that you have put her up on this pedestal that you cant see beyond her, that she is occupying your every thought. but who knows, maybe she would be willing to give it another shot? you never know until you ask.. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

To describe the bad that could come: She gets reclusive when something makes her uncomfortable and she's moving away soon. It'l be a few months before I see her again and I'm afraid this is the perfect set up for a huge gap in our friendship to form. Romantic feelings or not, I couldn't deal with that.

Although we've gotten through two breakups, they were just little crushes lasting no more than a month. Nothing that holds much weight. However, me confessing actual love toward her right now I feel could have only a bad results. She's you could say, delicate, and needs me as her best friend right now. Love could jeopardize that. I guess I'm afraid of our friendship becoming anything less than what it is now. There is no chance she feels the same way, I know this for sure. It took a very long time for her to open up to me about things, we've been through a lot and I wouldn't forgive myself if I damaged what we built. That would be far worse than what I go through to make sure it doesn't happen.

I didn't expect so much response in such a short time, thanks everyone.