[kns6]

Over the past two years my mother-in-law has become increasingly hostile toward me. I have been married to her son for 23 years now. She and I have never had a close relationship . Frankly, she has always scared me. She is one of those people who isn't warm and friendly. She wears her emotions on her sleeve. She has never acted like she wanted to reach out to me or to have a good relationship. In fact, she has made passive comments before about how she has" never been close to any of her 6 children's spouses and is ok with it". She says she only loves her grandkids and kids. She is a distant mother and grandma and always has been. She does tend to pick and choose the in-laws she likes and will make them her favorite unless they do or say something to cross her. She is very conditional in her love. For the past 2 years I have been in her cross-hairs. I evidently hurt her, unknowingly, over and over as my husband evidently has too. Everything she has been "hurt" over has actually either never taken place or is blown way out of context as witnesses can attest to. Anyway, i have been so nice to her since I have known her, mostly out of my fear of her. She is one of those fighters that thrives on contention and discord. She always has hurtful words to say and seems to be able to actually make others look bad and make her look like the victim. After 2 years of her passive aggressive attempts at trying to dig at me, my husband finally came to my defense because I wasn't defending myself. I just let her continue bashing me over social media and continued to let her verbally attack me in emails and thru fb. I have since deleted both accounts. My husband wrote her a letter stating that she is toxic and unhealthy for his family ( the kids snd me). Well, she wrote back a scathing letter with half-hearted apologies. It was weird. She would apologize but then basically say that I made her react the wsy she did so she had the right to be cruel. I have tried writing her a nice letter since, but she bashed it BAD over social media and it was embarrassing for me. We haven't spoken to her in months and months. It has been nice, but i am living with angry feelings. I hate her and I feel i never got the chance to redeem myself or defend myself in any way. I'm having a tough time forgiving her. Im angry at myself for allowing it for so long and I don't want to allow her hurt any more!! I know if i talk to her or write her it will open up the nasty can again and it will be fuel to her fire...ehich is what she wants. My husband says silence is the best way to deal with his mom. She continues to send loving cards to our teen kids AND even my husband for bdsys and Christmas, but will completely ignore me. It hurts so bad and makes me feel sick, physically. She was told to stay away, and the only reason she is doing it is to jab at me. I can't let her know it hurts or she will be gleeful about it. This is how I have sern her work with others in her past.

How do I deal with this? It is agonizing mental and emotional pain daily. I'm sure she has no idea how much I let her get to me. She will do what it takes to make sure she hurts me. She always has to have a pin cushion. I have just never been the one until now. It is killing me and is actually affecting other healthy relationships in my life. What can i do to get over it? I dont desire a relationship with her, especially now.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, kns6, and welcome to Psych Central! It sounds to me like your M-I-L has some definite emotional issues. Gee, anyone who would sort of brag about not being close to her in laws......

Yes, it would make her very happy if you were to let her know how much she is getting to you. You made a big mistake in her mind: Marrying her son! Alas, it's my mother who is a pain in the rear to her sons-in-law. And she is mentally ill.

I suggest you talk to a therapist about the situation. I think your mother-in-law is likely playing into your insecurities and perhaps self-esteem. At least your hubby has tried to take up for you.

Here's a M-I-L joke that I try to remember sometimes:

Question: What's the definition of "mixed feelings"?

Answer: Your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your new Cadillac!

[healingme4me]

I see red flags, whenever I see/hear of others, placing blame on others, for their own behavioral choices. Choices.

I realize that forgiveness is an artform and taught as ideal. Sometimes anger being felt, and seen clearly needs to happen. I'd be angry, if others in such a social circle were allowing such a fall out to affect my own relationship with them.
What matters, is your immediate family, yourself, your husband and your kids.
Naturally it hurts, to not be respected by someone that socially should, yet, sadly, it doesn't always happen that way.

If your husband can find it in him, to walk away, you can too.

Fretting over her inability to behave properly, only gives her power over your emotions. She's clearly not worth an ounce of your energy.

Sometimes, on an afterthought, forgiveness starts at forgiving oneself. For instance, forgiveness for wanting to be accepted by her, is one thought.

[hvert]

Would standing up for yourself make you feel better? Reading your post, I sort of get the feeling that a part of you would like to do this --- and that perhaps your failure to do so is contributing to the extra bad feelings.

It sounds like there is no real harm in burning a bridge with her. Why should she always get the last word because everyone is scared of her? Everyone is used to her saying rude things about other people and painting herself as the victim -- they know she is lying.

[kns6]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hello, kns6, and welcome to Psych Central! It sounds to me like your M-I-L has some definite emotional issues. Gee, anyone who would sort of brag about not being close to her in laws......

Yes, it would make her very happy if you were to let her know how much she is getting to you. You made a big mistake in her mind: Marrying her son! Alas, it's my mother who is a pain in the rear to her sons-in-law. And she is mentally ill.

I suggest you talk to a therapist about the situation. I think your mother-in-law is likely playing into your insecurities and perhaps self-esteem. At least your hubby has tried to take up for you.

Here's a M-I-L joke that I try to remember sometimes:

Question: What's the definition of "mixed feelings"?

Answer: Your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your new Cadillac!

Thanks for making me smile. Thanks for the support, too. Maybe staying silent is the best thing to do even though i want to have my voice. I appreciate your thoughts.

[kns6]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I see red flags, whenever I see/hear of others, placing blame on others, for their own behavioral choices. Choices.

I realize that forgiveness is an artform and taught as ideal. Sometimes anger being felt, and seen clearly needs to happen. I'd be angry, if others in such a social circle were allowing such a fall out to affect my own relationship with them.
What matters, is your immediate family, yourself, your husband and your kids.
Naturally it hurts, to not be respected by someone that socially should, yet, sadly, it doesn't always happen that way.

If your husband can find it in him, to walk away, you can too.

Fretting over her inability to behave properly, only gives her power over your emotions. She's clearly not worth an ounce of your energy.

Sometimes, on an afterthought, forgiveness starts at forgiving oneself. For instance, forgiveness for wanting to be accepted by her, is one thought.

Wow, this is great advice too. Thank you. I will think about this.

[kns6]

Originally Posted by hvert

Would standing up for yourself make you feel better? Reading your post, I sort of get the feeling that a part of you would like to do this --- and that perhaps your failure to do so is contributing to the extra bad feelings.

It sounds like there is no real harm in burning a bridge with her. Why should she always get the last word because everyone is scared of her? Everyone is used to her saying rude things about other people and painting herself as the victim -- they know she is lying.

Yes, i believe standing up for myself would help. I feel like i could move on better. I just know she thrives on knowing she has the power to hurt others and she loves the bavk and forth fight. She likes confrontation. This is why i am caught between a rock and hard place. My daughter's bday is this week and i know my MIL will send a card. She does this to get to me. She won't send me one, but will everyone else in this house. She does it at Christmas too. She will address my husband and kids but not me. Very hurtful. I'm tempted to return her cards to her. My kids know what she's like...they are teenagers and see it for what it is. They've never known her or been close. Is it bad to return her cards unopened?

[hvert]

I don't know if returning the cards is bad. If she sends your teenage kid a card, it seems like that is between her and the kid. I probably wouldn't get involved in the cards, but I sure wouldn't send any or remind anyone else in the house to send any. The adult women in the house tend to be the people to send cards, so I'm guessing that if you don't send her a Christmas or birthday card, no one else in your house is either. That seems like enough of a sting.

I can see reasons for returning the cards as well, especially if she has been told not to send any. That is a tough one.

I hope she doesn't live near you. She sounds pretty horrible.

[kns6]

Originally Posted by hvert

I don't know if returning the cards is bad. If she sends your teenage kid a card, it seems like that is between her and the kid. I probably wouldn't get involved in the cards, but I sure wouldn't send any or remind anyone else in the house to send any. The adult women in the house tend to be the people to send cards, so I'm guessing that if you don't send her a Christmas or birthday card, no one else in your house is either. That seems like enough of a sting.

I can see reasons for returning the cards as well, especially if she has been told not to send any. That is a tough one.

I hope she doesn't live near you. She sounds pretty horrible.

I think you're right. Thank you...it makes sense. No, she lives 8 hours away and that makes it better. I hope you have a good relationship with your in laws.