[kelly8896]

I'm here because of a situation that occurred several years ago and I'm really needing and wanting to find a positive way to move forward or deal with things in a more effective manner.

I have a twin sister. We used to be best friends, we used to do everything together, we have kids that are very close in age. Several years ago her daughter and my daughter had a disagreement. I stupid argument. The reaction my sister had stunned me and has hurt me tremendously. I haven't been able to find resolution.

In defending her daughter, my sister came to my house and confronted my daughter without me being present. She was totally out of control, yelling, cursing, getting into my daughter's face. My 18 year old son had to step in between them at one point and she pushed him to the ground. My youngest daughter was crying and called me. I rushed home. I was confronted with more belligerent behavior, name calling and in the face yelling. I stayed calm and gave no reaction, just let her rant and rave, keeping myself between her and my kids. I finally had enough and asked her to leave. The following year the girls got into another disagreement (teenage drama) and she took it to the next level trying to get my daughter expelled from school. She wouldn't speak to me about anything. The school found no reason to expel or suspend my daughter, it was a family disagreement.

To this day, she continues to call me and my daughter names, insinuates that I am a bad mother, she tells me her actions were justified and she's not sorry.

The behavior she displayed and continues to display goes against every family value we were taught.

My family hates confrontation. They would rather dismiss her behavior and allow her to treat me that way then to tell her she acted inappropriate and to quit acting and treating me badly.

Is it to much to expect her to own up to her behavior and apologize?

I've tried putting myself in her place and I know I would have handled things differently. I'm a much more calm person. Although she is my twin, we have completely different personalities. I believe she likes the drama and any attention or response she gets from me seems to encourage the behavior.

My hope is to find positive solutions to this problem. Any input, similar cases or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I wanted to re-write my first few posts together so that the whole story was in one place. I appreciate the feed back I have gotten so far. Let me know if it changes with these additional details.

[Little Lulu]

"Is it to much to expect her to own up to her behavior and apologize? "

Demanding an apology from your sister would not make it sincere and no one can cause another person to change. I am sure this situation causes you sadness - I know it would for me. It would feel like an immense loss for me.

Short of the two of you going to a mediator/counselor to hash this thing out, continuing to love your sister without being a doormat, modeling healthy behaviors like you have been doing, and keeping a little distance is probably all you can do and that is enough. When you are around her, find something positive to tell her about herself and mean it because no one is all bad.

[Jan1212]

I'm sorry that you're going through this I've had my sister send me threats but she received treatment years ago. You tried what you can do, and she's hurting your children and you, you said to this day... In this situation I would cut off all contact. She's an adult and there should be no excuse to act this way, she should realize what she is doing, she's not going to change. If she wants contact, expect an apology, respect, a healthy boundary and much more that your own family deserves.

[hvert]

Given your description of her behavior, the last thing I would expect would be an apology. I don't think one is forthcoming, even if it is deserved.

I'm sorry you're in this situation -- I don't see any easy answers. What you are doing, keeping distant and not putting up with her lousy behavior, keeping her away from your kids - that sounds good to me. If your daughter weren't involved, it might be easier to let her slide, but I don't see how you can do that.

In the initial conflict between your daughter and her daughter, who was in the right, objectively?

[kelly8896]

I'll try to be objective. The initial conflict between our daughters was such a silly thing, but in a teenagers eye it wasn't to them. They both played for the highschool softball team. Her daugther skipped out on practice to spend time with her boyfriend but she told the team she was sick. My daughter called her out on it. I told my daughter it wasn't her place to say anything, it was the coach's job to follow up if she felt it was needed. I feel it was such a silly thing in the big scheme of life and didn't deserve the reaction my sister had. It's fine to defend your daughter, but to get so out of control over such a minor thing? Please be honest with me and tell me what your thoughts are.

Thanks

[hvert]

I agree, that's a really stupid thing for your sister to get all upset about. Your sister should be long over it by now.

I really don't know what you can do. She's not rational.

[Angelique67]

Have you admitted to your sister that your daughter may have spoken out of turn? The thing she should be concerned with is why her daughter is running from practice to her boyfriend when she shouldn't be. I still think this goes a lot deeper than that though. Have you considered counseling? For you and your sister.

[kelly8896]

I've told my sister that my daughter was out of line and I discussed it with my daughter.
I have asked her to go to counseling and she says NO, she believes she acted appropriately.
I don’t know if this is the real reason or not because she won’t say. She only says my daughter is the problem and it’s my fault because I didn’t teach my daughter better. But a couple years before all this started her husband and friend threw her a surprise b-day party and only my mom and dad went from the family. She had a couple friends show up. But my brother, older sister and I did not go. My brother’s wife was really sick, my older sister said she didn’t get an invite, she thought it was only for her friends anyway, my husband’s sister committed suicide that morning and I stayed home to be available if he should call (he left to be with his family out of town that morning). However, my brother and older sister told me that they didn’t feel comfortable going to a party for only her. We had always celebrated our b-day together (we are twins) and we had already had a family dinner. I admit I felt I was damned if I went or damned if I didn’t, because if one person would have said happy birthday to me, would she have gotten mad?, This was HER party. I felt it was best I stay away, plus my husband was going through something pretty significant and I wanted to be available for him. I look back now and wish I would have taken the chance and gone. But I didn’t and there’s no changing that now.
She was hurt and mad that we didn’t come, she let us all know that. We all apologized . At one point, she emailed the whole family and told us to go rot in hell. My mom had a few choice words for her and then apologized to her because she can’t stand for her kids to be mad at her. I feel the family just encourages her behavior when they let her act and say such hateful things without telling her it’s not appropriate and to stop. After-all, she is suppose to be an adult.
If this all really stems from the b-day party, what do I do? Since I don’t know for sure (and I have asked), what do I do? Even her latest round of emails only talks about how bad of a mother I am because I didn’t teach my daughter better. I feel she is willing to do anything to hurt me, even hurt my daughter to hurt me. I’ve asked her to go to counseling to talk about everything that’s bothering her but she refuses. Her behavior just gets more out of control and more hateful as time goes by.
The only thing I feel I can do is remove myself from her life until she decides she wants to talk about things. I don’t believe its right for her to treat me and my daughter the way she has regardless of the reason. Am I wrong? Please be honest. Any suggestions would be appreciated. How do I move on? Am I not being objective, not seeing things clearly, is there another path I should be taking?
I’ll stop now because I feel like I’m rambling and not making much sense of things.

[Angelique67]

Ask her if this goes back to the party. She will probably deny it but at least you'll get more dialog started. It's a very rough situation to know what to do. Have you asked if she'd be willing to try counseling together?

[hvert]

From everything that you've posted, your sister sounds really unwell to me. She sounds very toxic. I would not want to be around her if she was my friend. I am not sure what I would do if I was related to her. She is crossing so many lines it isn't funny. She should not be sending you emails saying that you are a bad mother.

Has there always been this pattern where she says horrible things about you and your family puts up with it? Does the golden child/scapegoat pattern seem familiar to you at all? Does she have these kinds of problems with other people? I am assuming so, since she told your family to rot in hell.

You are damned if you do, damned if you don't. What you are doing now seems like the least damaging route. That you even tolerate her presence at family gatherings is very generous of you. If you bend to her will and apologize when you haven't done anything wrong, she will just learn that she has to be cruel to get what she wants out of you.

[kelly8896]

I appreciate your feedback.
Her behavior has always been this way. And I'm at fault in allowing it to go on. But she crossed the line when she involved my kids. And I put my foot down. Now I'm the black sheep of the family because I won't give in.
I hope in time she will consider counseling. It's a firm NO for now. Thanks again.

[Angelique67]

My thought is, unless/until she agrees to therapy, no contact or attention whatsoever. She definitely needs some sort of intervention by someone not in the family. Good luck.

[offthegrid]

Good going by putting your foot down. Just because you're twins doesn't mean she is above the rules or can abuse you. I have a twin sister as well and we were raised not to argue or express dissatisfaction with each other, share everything, you probably know the drill, lol. The fact is, twins need boundaries too. Continue to lay down the law. Other people in your family won't like it because life is easier when everybody can sit down, shut up and don't cause them any problems by upsetting that once person. Accept that they won't like it that yore out of their self imposed Matrix. Stand strong and continue making the most out of life