[howohsocliche]

Hello, I'm a 20 year old college student, and I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. There are many things I would like to change about our relationship. We don't fight often....[Not to say we never fought...Our 1st year was very rocky, we had endless fights]. However, I don't like the level our relationship is on. Here's a little background on us on our lifestyle:
We attend a university which we despise. Due to bad culture clash [we're from the city and the school is in the country], neither of us have made many friends. When we first started our relationship, we wanted to spend a lot of time together. This was difficult for us, because transportation is terrible at this school, and I lived across town from him. So, we decided it would be easier to let me live with him. We were only some 3 or 4 months into the relationship when we started doing this....And our relationship wasn't on the right level for that yet. To make matters worse, there really isn''t much to do around campus except party, and we're not big partyers. So, we've gotten in the habit of staying indoors and maybe see a movie on the weekends, or go and get something to eat out. Clearly, we spend A LOT of time together.....A lot. And we get very, very bored. So, we'll annoy the %#@&#! outta one another. For example, sometimes I feel like he acts as if he's my little brother than my boyfriend. So, I'll bug the %#@&#! outta him back. Or vice versa. I'll bring this up to try and fix it, but he'll either blame me or make an excuse....Or things will change, just not for long. This only bothers me only because I feel like this whole 'annoying the %#@&#! outta eachother' thing is all that makes up our relationship since we're so damn bored. If it was a small part, fine I could deal with that, but it's totally in excess because the rest of our lives arn't very fulfilling.... We don't have much to talk about anymore. We're moody because we don't like this school. We don't really have a group of friends to hang out with. We don't have much independence from one another because I rely on him for rides, but he seems to want me in the apartment regardless. We're strapped for cash, so we can't spend much money doing things, he especially doesn't like to drive anymore than he has to because that would waste gas. We have many interests in common, however, he's usually not interested in going places or doing things I'd like to do, and vice versa. For example, I'll suggest we see a guest speaker who'll come to the university, but he won't be interested....and I won't really have anyone else to go with, so I won't go [and chances are he won't want to drive me, either]. He'll want me to learn about his fantasy baseball team, but I can't bring myself to get into it like him, so I won't join him or his friends in their fantasy baseball stuff.
The time we spend together is not quality time, and we clearly spend too much time together. I havn't been interested in sex for weeks now. I'm not sure how to eradicate this, especially since we are academic people on a non-academic campus [nothing much going on in the clubs, I rely on him for rides around the town which puts a huge strain on him, and the town itself is in the middle of nowhere so there's nothing to do except drink excessivly like most kids do on campus]. I want to be able to do things on my own, but I don't have the means, and the things I'd like to do around campus are a joke. I feel stuck in this apartment of his. He feels stuck too. I'm hesitant to move out, because it would take out a lot of time out of our busy schedules for me to move back to my dorm. However, I believe the small amounts of time we would have together would be of more quality.
Sooo here's the twist. This is our last semester on campus, we've decided to transfer out. He's said he'll be willing to go wherever I go, which I don't mind. He wants to get an apartment with me wherever we end up, but I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that. I'm afraid the 'living together' type relationship problems we are having won't go away, even if I move back to my dorm for the rest of the semester, and that the problems we are having now won't get addressed properly and they'll just follow us to wherever we both decide to go....Even if we end up in a better place. I'm not sure if it would be more benificial to live with him while still trying to fix our relationship after we transfer, or to go live with a complete stranger [thus putting strain on him to either live w/ someone he doesn't know, or force him to search for a single person apartment AND shell out the extra cash for it]. I'm also worried things won't change. How can I start changing things now? What should I be syaing to him about all of this? I want to believe our relationship can be more fulfilling if we were happier and in a town/school we liked.....And I think it would especially be better if we spent more time apart to do things on our own with our own friends [or with freinds together], but what if things remain the same AND we are financially tied? How can we get to a level in our relationship which is more fulfilling and less stressful? Or, how can we make our relationship better in general, before we take this big 'moving in together' step?....Should we even move in together?

Thanks so much for your time, I know this is long, haha.

[sabby]

Welcome to PC!

You sound very stressed over this situation. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it seems like no matter which way you turn, there are going to be problems either monetarily or emotionally.

First off, I think I would try to get a conversation going about what each of you want and don't want in your relationship. It seems you need to get onto a level of communication that is lacking at the moment. Relationships take work from both partners...if only one is doing any of the work, then it will be difficult at best.

It must be hard being at a university and in a town that you both don't care for. But, it is your last semester and only a few more weeks to go until it's over. There is some light at the end of that tunnel for you both.

I hope that you can find the strength to do what is right for YOU. Even when we care about the other individual in the relationship, you still should be true to yourself. If your gut instinct is telling you that you shouldn't live together, then go with it. Things may be tough, and he may have to live with another roommate, or on his own, but he will survive. So many times we let our hearts rule our judgement, when in fact our gut tells us something different. I've learned in my life that my gut doesn't lie to me, but my heart will cloud the true meaning of things. I am not by any means saying you shouldn't be together or live together....just listen to what your gut is telling you.

I hope you can find some peace and be able to make some decisions that will benefit you. I wish all good things for you.

Hugssss
J

[sidony]

Hi and welcome!

Wow, but that's a tough situation. And I don't know any answers! But I think your best bet is to put all the cards out on the table. Explain what you're thinking to him the way you just explained it to us above and ask him to do the same.

Now this may be a dumb suggestion -- and I've never tried it -- but I saw an Internet website called "Journal for Two" where 2 people write their feelings out to each other in an ongoing journal. Because some of this stuff is too hard to say face-to-face! (You get all distracted by the other person being emotional, etc.) Anyway, like I said I haven't tried it, but I think it's a neat idea. Here's the link: http://www.journalfortwo.com/ Maybe something like that could help in trying to spell everything out? Maybe if you did live together, you could make some agreements about spending X amount of time apart, etc.? From what you said, I was kind of inclined to think you might do better living apart, but I can understand the financial problems. I know you have to seriously consider that. And if you can improve your relationship you might be able to have more quality time and find that living together is smoother.

Best of luck!
Sidony

[howohsocliche]

I'm so relieved you guys are being so supportive. I was afraid I was going to get some judgemental answers, especially since I was clearly upset when I typed this up! [Yahoo Answers is incredibly notorious for giving, well, insensitive answers. Man, you don't even wanna know what %#@&#! said in response to my distress from being sexually assaulted.]

My boyfriend and I have worked very hard on our relationship, and for being unhappy with where we are I think we do pretty well. We got together during the toughest times of our lives. He realised he hated what he was doing in graduate school [physical therapy] and I switched my major twice...And that doesn't even skim the surface of what we've toughed through. I don't want to throw that away, which is why I was so emotional and concerned.

I spoke to him after I posted this. When I mentioned it, he said he was getting concerned about the same things...So, it worked out well. We decided to cut off our behavior, and we came up with a few ideas to stop the events that lead up to it. He feels that it's not really necessary for me to move out, although he said he would never stop me. He felt that we just need to stop bugging eachother out of bordem and grow up. I agreed, and I suggested that we schedule an hour of chatting time each day. Of course, if this doesn't work, I'll have to rethink my place in our initial agreement.

I'm usually not this bad at voicing my concerns, it's just that sometimes he'll try to argue with me over details, instead of just trying to listen or even help me explain what behaviors of his bother me if I'm not doing a good job. He tends to not want to admit to any wrong doing [or try to help me remember exact occurences if I can't put an exact finger on it] unless he's specifically caught red handed with exact examples of recent behavior that he remembers [yup, all of that]....And with my ADD [no kidding, diagnosed] and both our stubborness, it gets rough. So, I've developed a bit of a callous for trying to tell him what bothers me since he can be difficult or disinterested when my memory doesn't serve me the way he wants it to serve him [or me!]. I mentioned this issue to him, too. I manged to find the specific & recent examples that he also remembers, so we had less bumps to go over. I'm not quite sure if it's totally resolved....But, at least with the issues I brought up, things should be better....And they were the worst of things. So hopefully our overall plan will make things easier, and we won't have to have many more of these discussions. I just hope that if we do have to have more, it'll get easier.............

Thanks a lot guys :

[howohsocliche]

We both have livejournals and we're very open in them....Although it's not often he'll blatently complain about our relationship in the journal or in general. He tends to struggle with communicating a little bit more than I do because he used to be very antisocial....So he's had to grow accustom to all that mushy 'sharing' stuff....Internet or not, he has a hard time either way. Although, based on what he's written online, I think he tends to feel more comfortable expressing how he's feelings when he thinks I won't read what he wrote....[Hm, I should address that] But, he really hates the internet, so he's usually not consistant...He hasn't written in months, and he only wrote two entries. I dunno, that might be cause he realised I do read them. Oh well! He's a tough can of worms to open up.........

Anyways, after I wrote that entry I spoke to him when he came home. He totally understood [in fact, he agreed] and we tried our best to resolve things. So, time will tell. I won't move out yet, but if things go back to the way they were................

Thanks for your help

[sidony]

Glad to hear you guys were able to talk about it! I hope it's a start to making things a lot better.

Best of luck and welcome to the site. :-)

Sidony

[sabby]

Awesome!!! The lines of communication are now open YAY!!

I wish you both luck in figuring out your differences and learning to work together to overcome them. That's very adult of you both. It will not always be smooth sailing....but if you are both working towards the same goals...it sure makes it a lot better!

Take good care!!

Hugsssss
J

[howohsocliche]

Boy, we gotta sort things out more often.............Our sex life finally got a little resuscitated! Hoorayyyyy.

[sabby]

LOL

Welcome to the ups and downs of a relationship! *giggle*

I don't know any couple that don't have to ride the waves in their relationships....it goes with the territory. So very glad it's on the upswing now! Enjoy :-D

Hugsss
J

[sidony]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
howohsocliche said:
Boy, we gotta sort things out more often.............Our sex life finally got a little resuscitated! Hoorayyyyy.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Woohoo! Gotta love that part!

:-D

Sidony

[(JD)]

Moving in together is not historically known for improving a relationship. This is true even for those who later marry. Earlier stats showed a higher divorce rate for those who lived together before marriage (I don't know current stats )

I'm always for more communication, and I hope that your relationships improve. You need someone who can be understanding and patient.

[Wants2Fly]

I'm glad you brought this up, Skye. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure it was appropriate. None of these links are as recent as I'd prefer, but they offer links to some literature on this topic.

http://members.aol.com/cohabiting/facts.htm (Cohabiting Facts, posted by Chuck Colson, 1995)

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releas...-ltb080403.php (briefly summarizes a 2003 study about “cohabitation and marital quality and stability”)

http://www.godandscience.org/doctrin...gether.html#01 (although this website clearly has a religious perspective, the link I’ve included here is simply for a bibliography of peer-reviewed research studies about cohabitation, divorce, marriage, etc.)

[howohsocliche]

Thanks for your honesty, guys. This info was what I was really looking for.

I did a little google-ing and found some generally recent stats and articles on this stuff. Although I'm not entirely sure how much of this material is published or well researched, I found out some interesting info:

I found out that in "In France and Germany cohabiting couples have a slightly lower risk of divorce."
[http://marriage.about.com/od/cohabit...ohabfacts.htm]

I also learned that "In the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce." [same source] This probably implies that these couples have marriage-level commitment. It could also mean the couples are motivated to problem solve if they are unable to do it on their own, but they may not necessarily be marriage-level committed.

Portions of the research which tries to explain 'why' cohabiting doesn't work sometimes fails to draw similarities with my relationship problems. I hear a lot of generalizations about how couples cohabit simply because they'll have an 'open-roomate' situation which requires no commitment. This is making the assumption that there is no commitment between any cohabiting couples, and that this is just another example of promiscious behavior which they believe is immoral and needs to be stopped. Clearly, there are a lot of moral judgements/assumptions being passed about the 'why' part on all cohibiting couples. None of these moral generalization have anything to do with my relationship.

However, there are less morally modivated claims out there that might apply better. They report that in America, married woman who cohabit before marriage feel the quality of their relationship is far lower than those woman who didn't cohabit before their marriage. There are a few 'causation' type reasons for this. One mentions that being in a "regular relationship" mindset as opposed to a "marriage in mind" mindset when you move in together will determine the success of your marriage. They say that whichever level your relationship is at when you move in together is not likely to foster higher commitment, and that those who move in together with a "regular relationship" mindset are more likely to enter marriage with that same mindset. Why these mindsets don't change isn't addressed, but they say that with alll couples

However:
"...They also point out that the risk of divorce is even higher if you don't live together more than three years prior to marriage. The longer you live together prior to marriage, the less the risk of divorce until after 8 years of living together, when the risk of divorce is equal to those who have not lived together. " [http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...5025b_qa.html]

So, it sounds like the timing and the level of committment is what really determines future marital success.

My boyfriend and I can't even conceptualize the idea of marriage anytime soon. However, we've openly told eachother that we hope to end up together for the long haul. But, the direction our lives are going is very uncertain. Everything going on outside our relationship is insanly unstable. [Hell, sometimes we're unstable people]. We have no set goals for the long term as a couple, or as individuals. All we can do right now is take things as they come. However, I'm only 20, and he's only 24, so it's not irrational for us to feel this way. But this probably means we ought to reconsider living together when we transfer.

So here are our problems is we don't live together [especially if we transfer to a school in the city]:
-$$$$$
-We are going to be very busy, and we won't be able to see eachother very often. If we end up living across town from one another again, and if transportation is crappy + expensive or unreliable, how do we keep up with our relationship?
-What happens if we end up with a ****** roommate, or living in a loud building, and we are stuck with a lease and cannot sublet [my family will not allow me to sublet apartments]. Should we consider staying with the other person? If so, how should we do things differently than we do now? We sleep in the same bed, share a room, share everything.
-What if our current problems remain unaddressed and don't change, even if we don't live together.

Also, I feel like theses studies fail address couples on a more individualized basis.....Such as:
If a couple spent almost the same amount of time together as if they lived with one another, except the only difference would be that they would sleep in separate apartments, would that make a difference in their relationship?
What if the couple has one person working at night, and the other working during the day?
What if the couple has excellent communication skills, and they have an easy time problem solving and compromising?
What if the couple is an adult couple?
What if the couple is young?....or even teen?

Does anyone know anything about these? I know if you're a teen you're more likely to get divorced period, and that if you have good communication skills and don't mind compromising then you'll more than likely be well off, but what about the others? Where's the line drawn?