Child wrongly accused father of abuse

My husbands daughter has told a therapist my husband is physically abusive. He is not. The therapist told him she suspected his daughter was lying. The therapist brought my husband in for an apt. Asked him if he abuses her. Then proceeded to say she doesn't feel it is true. Then said he can not ask his daughter about this and has to act like he doesn't know. No opportunity for any resolution. Now my husband has no idea what to do with this. He is hurt and angry about this situation. Background. Child is 13. Divorced 7 years ago from mother. She has announced she is upset we moved out of the area. She still has the ability to FaceTime any time she wants and with the new visitation schedule has the opportunity to see him even more. She announced four weeks ago that she is angry about the move and doesn't want to have contact for a while. She is the least invested out of the three children in trying to have extra time with her dad. Only when it suits her. I feel this is her attempt to punish him. Now, one day after he has learned of this, his daughter asked if she can come visit. He has no idea how to act because the therapist said he can not say anything about what he learned due to confidentiality. I find it horrible that the therapist has told him all this and didn't allow for a follow up session with the child to try to bring it out so it can start to be solved. So now he has to accept he can not say anything to her and just cause him so much emotional turmoil with no immediate opportunity for resolution in sight. Should he see his child right now when he is very conflicted after she has stopped talking to him for a month now? Given that he is very upset he has no clue how to move with this. He finds it strange he needs to just ignore the fact that his daughter is saying horrible lies about him. She is clearly seeking attention. But how do you talk to and see your child that you know is out to hurt you? Any input is appreciated. THANKS

This doesn't sound right.

If a minor makes a report of abuse to a therapist, said therapist is a mandatory reporter, even if she feels that the minor is lying. That is, the therapist does NOT get to make the call as to whether or not it is the truth. I somehow don't think that keeping all of this hidden is the right thing to do.

I have no idea who you contact in a case like this, but you need assistance outside of this therapist. I think that if the therapist keeps this quiet, it is a breach of ethical code and she could lose her license. She is not handling things in the correct way, not legally and not according to whatever professional association she belongs to.

I agree, the way this therapist is handling this is bizarre and possibly illegal given mandatory reporting laws. Do confidentiality laws apply to minors? What if this was a situation where a kid really *was* being abused and this therapist is just telling the abuser about it? I'm not saying that your husband is abusing - just that this therapist really has no way of knowing for sure whether or not the kid is lying.

I don't understand why she wouldn't want the father and daughter to discuss this in a session together? Is the other parent aware?

I have no idea what you do about the immediate visit. I agree that I would want to talk about this openly with the daughter. It might be better to do that on her home turf.

It's troubling to see you say "least invested in" with regard to a 13 year old child. Whether a child expresses it in a way that is understandable to adults or not, a child still needs a mother and father.

Your step-daughter might say anything to a therapist. She should be able to say whatever she wants to a therapist. The therapist will figure it out. That is likely why she called your husband in. And what the therapist told your husband may not have come out the same way when he told you. We all hear what our individual brain's have prepared us to hear.

If this little girl fell down and skinned her knee, she'd likely cry. What she is doing is another form of crying.

It is upsetting, but your step-daughter needs love and support and it might be most helpful if you and your husband can go with the girl's mother to the therapist to find out the best way to support this little girl as she comes to terms with her parent's divorce and her father's remarriage. If that is not possible, you and your husband could seek out a therapist for yourselves for the same purpose.

Here are my thoughts from a whole bunch of different angles.

If she is lying, then why?

1. Someone else who is close to the father in proximity like a neighbor, mother, sibling, etc. might be abusing the child? Sometimes abused kids are so intimidated by their abuser that they will NOT tell on the abuser. However, the child desperately wants to get away from the home (or abuser's headquarters), and will try to find an alternative way to get away. I have heard of kids who's mothers were abusing them and they lied and said it was the father because they thought that no one would believe that a female would do that. These kids were terrified and running for their life, that's why they lied.

2. The kid doesn't understand or doesn't care that the father has feelings?*** Some people fail to draw the line when it comes to revenge, fights and disagreements with other people. For example, a more mature person might be willing to yell but not hit, etc. A less mature/stable/tolerant/ethical person might do something extreme like wrongly accuse you of anything.

***I'm NOT saying the following is going on here, but it goes on frequently. ----- I might comment that a nasty byproduct of divorce and dysfunctional marriages can sometimes be kids learning false negative things about the other gender from their same-sex parent. The untrue idea that men don't have feelings is often subtle and implied by angry women and passed on to kids. Sometimes the mother and kids are NOT even aware that they are working off of a bad assumption.

What I would do, in YOUR situation
I would speak with the kid's therapist, who the kid apparently trusted enough to discuss the abuse with. I would ask the therapist if they could try to make sure that one of the above scenarios isn't going on. The therapist could also try to figure out why the kid seems to be lying. And if the kid is lying, what's motivating the lie? If you take away the motivation, the lie might go away, assuming that it is a lie. If it's not already too late: If the kid dislikes the father, maybe the father should immediately stop punishing the child. Punishment can be the mother's job instead. (If I were a dad and my kid seemed to dislike me, I would talk with my wife and see if she could do the punishment for a while so I could fix my relationship with the kid. I would attempt to say tactful things around the kid, to take an interest in some of the kid's hobbies, and try to show the kid that I care. Words without action are empty and meaningless. I would think long and hard, and even ask others, what I can do to improve my relationship with my kid. It would all be worth it someday. Edit: If I were a single parent and my kid disliked me, I would refrain from punishing the kid whenever appropriate to prioritize mending the relationship.)

What I would do in the husband's position:
If I were the the husband and my daughter wrongly accused me of abusing her, I would do some detective work as well. I might not come right out and tell other people that I was "accused," but I would ask people in my daughter's life if there's anyone they suspect might be abusing her. If I had a very close trustworthy friend, I might confide in that person (with the whole story) to see if someone who knows me might have more insight. There are a lot of eyes and ears around and you never know who might have noticed something or who was at the right place at the right time. I might even hire a therapist of my own for more insight into what could be going on. If she's lying, why? What is the real reason? Here's another theory. This is sort of theory #2 above combined with another factor. Middle school is when some young women start to act like adults and to face societal vices like sexism. If you can figure out what her beef is with you, even if you don't see it the same way, perhaps a sincere apology to her would fix everything. An attorney, therapist, or intelligent friend can help you craft a sincere apology without confessing to things you are NOT sorry about or didn't do. You can then sit down with your daughter with a credible witness (to protect you from any further accusations) and give a heartfelt apology (NOT for abusing her of course, if you didn't do that! Maybe for disregarding her feelings or the main thing you think she holds against you.). After that, maybe she'll feel bad and reverse her accusation. Edit: Here's another idea. I haven't thought this last one through, but you might be able to hire someone like a private investigator to approach her friends and try to figure out why she has a problem with you, and separately, if she's in trouble (like being stalked or abused). The point is, 1. you care about her and want to make sure she's safe, and 2. of less importance, want to clear your name.

How can you be SURE it's a lie? / The possibility that it's NOT a lie
Therapists can be wrong. In fact, there are many problems that can make an honest person appear to be lying, not the least of which are nervousness, believing that you will NOT be believed, memory/cognitive trouble which can be on and off, etc. Regardless of how much I thought it was a lie, if my kid accused the other parent of abuse, I would make an effort to protect the kid just in case. That may involve getting in touch with extended family or a friend of the family. In a potential abuse situation, I would make sure to ask the kid if she would feel safer at her grandma's, cousin's, etc. if those were places she could stay. I would also try to keep the kid informed and ask the therapist to do so as well. It may be worthwhile for someone, perhaps the therapist, to tell the child step by step, what happens to child abusers, how the child is protected, what the child's mother/extended family is doing to protect the child, that the system is aware that females, other kids, etc. can also be abusers so if there are other abusers here's how they can be handled, etc. The kid may be in a "situation" and need a combination of information and reassurance that someone in the world does care and is there to protect her.

As much as I'd hate to say it, there seems to be a pattern where when a child is abused by parent, both parents side against the child. When that happens, the child practically always has lifelong psychological problems sometimes including PTSD, depression, homicidal and suicidal thoughts. Be careful not to create a monster. Be kind to your kid. Parents matter.

Handling a difficult child (regardless of whether it's one difficult child out of 10, 3, 2, etc.)

Please don't be offended by this part, but have you considered seeing a therapist for help handling this situation and your child? You don't have to be "crazy" to see a therapist and the right therapist is likely to have some excellent advice for you. Parenting can be difficult. If as parents you ever get stuck and don't know what to do, reach out and seek consultation from others. Having an okay relationship with 2 of 3 kids does NOT mean that a poor relationship is the 3rd kid's fault or your "fault" necessarily. Some kids are more difficult to raise than others. For example, a kid with a disability (even an undiagnosed one), psychological problem (born with or developed), who doesn't fit in, who is transgender or gay in a straight family, or has an unidentified problem can be more of a challenge.

Im with the others ... If a child reports abuse the Therapist or any medical provider has to report it.

This type of thing is precisely why I believe nothing a child tells me.

I'm not a lawyer, but I'd read what the therapist said a little differently. Instead of, "Don't talk to your daughter about this b/c you will be breaching confidentiality and that is wrong" I wonder if she was saying, "Don't talk to your daughter about this b/c I [the therapist] have broken confidentiality and could get in trouble for doing so."

Breaking confidentiality by a therapist can have at least two significant consequences:

1. They may lose the trust of the counselee. The daughter is unlikely to trust the therapist again if she knows the therapist betrayed her confidence.

2. They may be censured (or worse) by their employer, by professional organizations, by the state, etc.

Dave