[BanaBanaBana]

This may sound really scattered but I'm in over my head:
I live with my sister and her husband and 1.5 yr old son. I believe my sister is being emotionally abused daily and I know she has been physically abused once. They've always fought a lot but it seems to be different lately. She never seems to be happy anymore. J(her husband) yells and curses at her all the time and demeans her saying she's fat and lazy. The latest thing I heard was that he said she couldn't lay in the bed because she was too fat and is ruining it. He recently got sent to detox for 48 hours because he got drunk and harassed the neighbors. Sometimes he seem bipolar. My sister says the only times he's nice lately is when he is high (weed). I live there too and he has very seldom said anything to me, but H (my sister) tells me that if I do something J doesn't like, he takes it out on her when I'm not home. H has asked me not to tell anyone. I have told our mom some of it but not the physical stuff. My mom would like to speak to her about it without giving away that I have told her anything because we don't want H to not confide in me. H works nights and I've never seen J do anything to the baby but he has yelled some horrible things at the baby. J abuses the dogs too. My friends say that I need to get out of there because it's unhealthy for me there. I just hole up in my room because I don't want to do anything to make J mad and take it out on my sister. I can't really afford to leave and even if i could, I don't want H to be alone. She no longer has any friends. J is also an immigrant from South America. He is legal but he was almost deported due to his record. He gets to stay because now "he's married and a father and turned his life around" but his recent trip to detox says otherwise. H often says that she thinks J just used her to stay in the country. If immigration finds out about his new thing with the law he could get deported. I sometimes think that's what H needs because I don't think she will ever leave him.
I don't know what to do here. Do I take care of me and move out? What can I do to help her? Will J eventually abuse the baby when he's older? Should I try and get J deported? Should I tell my mom everything? I just need some Help

[Can't Stop Crying]

Maybe try calling a domestic violence hotline? You can generally remain anonymous and receive some very helpful advice. It seems like you are stuck. Depending on your emotional state I would say, taking care of yourself is the most important. It also sounds like your sister is very isolated and has no one to confide in...
That's a tough one, if you feel strong enough to support your sister, I think she and the baby need help. If this is taking too much of a toll on you, sounds like your mom is a good resource for your sister.

Hope this helps....CSC

[IceCreamKid]

Yelling at a baby like you describe your brother-in-law doing is abuse. Please report him to your local children's social services agency. You don't need to tell your sister that you have reported him. Let them handle the situation. They are trained to handle volatile situations.

[scorpiosis37]

I would definitely do something because that is not a safe situation for the baby. He is already causing lasting damage to the baby just by yelling at it. The most impressionable time in a child's life is the first 3 years-- that's when they learn attachment, safety, trust, etc. Children who grow up in abusive households have lifelong issues with attachment, trust, feeling safe, etc. and, as they grow up, they are at significantly increased risk for trouble in school, drug/alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity/teen pregnancy, or becoming involved in abusive relationships themselves as either the victim or the abuser. Even if the baby has only experienced verbal abusive so far, that's enough to be dangerous-- and it's probably only a matter of time before the baby witnesses the physical abuse and, most likely, becomes a victim as well.

Since you have said the dog is also being abused, the dog should be removed from that situation. Animal abuse is not okay either.

Of course, your sister does not deserve to be abused either. However, as an adult, that's her decision to make. You and your mom can (and should) encourage her to get help and leave him-- but, if she absolutely won't go, that's her choice. However, she does not have the right to subject her child (or dog) to abuse-- it's against the law.

If you trust your mom, I would tell your mom everything and I would decide what you want to do. Call child protective services? Call immigration? Talk to your sister, ask if she understands the harm she is causing to her baby, and see if she is willing to get help? You have a lot of options in how you deal with this situation. But I would do something.

[BanaBanaBana]

Thank you for all your suggestions.
This week things have escalated. I called the police on Tuesday because things were just crazy. J freaked out cuz I walked into their bedroom to tell my sister that our mom was in the hospital. My sister gave me the baby so he wouldn't have to listen to it and then J put the baby in the middle. Thats why I called 911. The police came and gave my sister some resources. Their was no ground at the time to arrest J but he left for a bit to cool off. He was totally pissed at me though. Wed things weren't horrible just everyone avoiding each other. Thursday my sister found out the baby had some health problems. When she told J he flipped out, saying that going to the dr was a waste of time and money and that if god made him this way then that's the way it should be. If it's his time then it's his time. When I got home J was trowing things all over the house, yelling things that didn't make sense and just screaming in general. My sister was saying things like She can't handle life anymore, if it wasn't for the baby she would have killed herself already and she knew how she would do it. Eventually my sister gave me the baby and shut us in my room. She was trying to keep J out and I could hear him hurting her. So I called the police again. I think he was drunk. J left and the police were looking for him and she kept saying things like it's all her fault and she regrets having me call the cops. J came back in the middle of the night and my sis didn't want me to call the cops again. But he came up stairs and started yelling and throwing things and threatening our lives. So I called the police again. They were in our neighborhood, canvasing the area and so they were there right away and arrested him.
Well he went to court yesterday and I don't totally get this but I guess since this is his third offense so it makes it a felony. (only the first toward my sister) and since he is an immigrant he will probably be deported. I honestly think that this is the best thing possible because I'm sure my sister would take him back. My sister though is feeling like this is all her fault and that she should have tried to get hime help. Last night I thought I kind of helped her realize that even though she's sad, misses him, and etc that it's not her fault. If he didn't have the priors then this one wouldn't be the one that sent him away. I told her she is protecting herself and her son and that witnessing all of this is not good for the baby. She told me that things were worse than even I knew. That he pulled her down the stairs by her hair, and that he's told the baby he's a mistake. I thought we were making progress.
Well today she is saying she did everything all wrong. She should have filed for divorce or just have left, and that now J hates her and the baby will hate her cuz she got his father deported. J's mom is also giving her a hard time and making her help bail him out. (legally they aren't supposed to have any contact with each other.)
I jsut don't know what to do. I thought what I should be building her back up. He's been verbally and emotionally abusing her for so long that she has no value of self worth. I've been trying to tell her she did nothing to deserve this and the is strong for doing what she did. Last night it felt like it was working but today I feel like its making it worse.
Has anyone been on either side of a situation like this? How much "support" is too much? I don't want to alienate her, but I just don't know what else to do. She keeps saying she's ruined all of their lives and that is shouldn't have worked out this way. What can I do? I'm trying to get her to find some sort of emotional support--a support group, or hotline, or therapist or something. Also J was a stay-at-home dad and now she doesn't know what to do for child care. I just want to help but don't feel equipped to do so. Any suggestions? Any help would be great!

[hvert]

Wow, what a situation. I'm sorry that you are in the middle of all this and that your sister and her baby are having to deal with this guy. I agree with you that it is a blessing in disguise that he's getting deported. I hope it really happens - too bad he can be bailed out at all, that gives him the chance to disappear. If you are up for it, I would consider reporting him if he does contact her - better to have him stay in jail than get out and come after her.

With regard to the rest, it's hard to give specific advice since every state is different. You might try calling a domestic abuse hotline on her behalf or looking at al-anon support group schedules. Finding child care may be the hardest part. I would contact DHS -- do you have 211 in your area?

In terms of how much support to provide, there's only so much you can do. Your sister has to decide that she is done with him. It can be really frustrating to help people in your sister's situation- what you are doing by calling the police when appropriate and helping her secure child care is really great.

[LookingforCalm]

I'm so sorry about everything you are going through with your sister. I hate that you're in the middle of it, but I'm thinking if you hadn't that she and the baby may not be here at all anymore.

As for good advice, I don't know. Just hang in there for her, because the aftermath is always the hardest. I would see about getting some therapy set as quickly as possible for her, and possibly for yourself as well...

I pray for you and your family.

[hamster-bamster]

Even though 1.5 years old is young, given the situation, I would find daycare for the boy. There are a lot of resources for that - your sister needs to go to the Social Services agency of your county and ask for childcare resources, explaining that the situation is urgent. A qualified, state-tested childcare provider will be far better for the baby presently than either the abusive dad or the depressed and desperate mom. It can be a safe haven for him, and I mean it literally and not figuratively. Hopefully the immigration will follow through and have him deported. It is highly unlikely that your sister will get any financial support out of him when he is in South America, but still, both for the sake of her future ability to remarry legally and for the sake of ensuring that he stays out of the States, she needs to go to Legal Aid and file for divorce ASAP. If the court orders him to pay support and he leaves the country and accumulates arrears in support, it will effectively block him from re-entering the US (if a felony conviction were not enough...).

If your mom can help stay with the boy for a bit, that would be very helpful too, but under your sister's circumstances, a routine, well established child care she can rely on would be best. Then grandma can help out during weekends.

You did a fantastic job pointing out to her that had he not had prior convictions which were not associated with your sister, this one would have been the first and would not have gotten him deported. Hopefully she will hear your logic on this. You did everything correctly - there was no better way to deal with it. It is tough, but every step you took was appropriate and much needed.

[BanaBanaBana]

Well now my sister has HELPED bail him out and is letting him stay at our house while we are visiting our parents. I know I could turn him in but I don't want to burn my bridge to my sister. Obviously if she is in physical danger I WILL call the police but right now I feel like we're in some weird limbo.
She feels SO guilty and everything I thought she was starting to believe last night seems to have gone out the window. I think it's the "being deported" thing that is sending her over the edge. It's so final. I personally think it's good but not for the reasons she's accusing me of. I saw what the relationship was doing to her. She has been so miserable. Last night she was talking about how J used to yell at the baby and today is all about what a good father he is.
I don't know how to help. My mom is trying too but my sister is getting so defensive. Last night she was talking about how she thinks he brainwashed her and today she has forgotten all about that. I know this is probably "textbook victim" but how can I make her see that? She says we are too biased and off course we are going to take her side and that she is not blameless. I truly think she needs to see some kind of therapist or support group but she is so stubborn but I think the opinion of someone who is not family will help but she is also so stubborn that I wouldn't be surprised if the first time they say something that she doesn't like that she will quit it.
I have to say thank you for the support! This is just a hard situation and I am so lost at how to handle it. I'm in over my head.

[hamster-bamster]

Unfortunately at some point she might need tough love (your saying that the baby is in jeopardy and that you will take steps to protect him). It would be good for her own sake to write down what she said in the past so that you can refer her to it later (that she said that he brainwashed her, that she said that he yelled at the baby). Then next time she starts defending him, you can show her her own words. But for that they need to be written down. Or, recorded as an audio, which is better but hard to arrange. What I am trying to say here is that instead of your trying to MAKE her SEE THAT, you would rather REFER HER BACK TO WHAT SHE HERSELF SAID.

[hvert]

The deportation makes me super nervous because it's like he has nothing to lose anymore - he is already going to lose his family if he gets kicked out. Do you think she is in serious danger? Would he kill her or the baby?

I just went through this a month ago with a friend whose bf was cooking meth in her apartment and who was threatening to have her evicted if she tried to get him out. She called me and a few other people for help. I did what I could, short of calling the cops, but it was all useless because she kept letting him back into the place. I finally told her that what happened was up to her - I couldn't do anything else until she decided what she wanted to do.

Your sister doesn't even want him gone at this point, so it's even harder for you. You can really only be there for her if she asks for your help or needs it.