My Fiance is cheating on me..

I recently found out my fiance is cheating on me with his best friends wife; its been going on for about five months; he has no clue I know yet. I cheated on him about two years ago, we worked on things, counseling, rebuilding trust. I feel like I brought this on myself and changed who he was. I dont want to leave him, want to make things work, I think from what I have read its all sexual the meet up in parking lots and lunch dates, I wasnt giving him a lot of sexual attention because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin because I felt like he never forgave me.... so confused..

((((Hopeless7933))))

I know it's hard, not not be so hard on yourself, please be gentle.

Relationships aren't meant to be tit for tat. All that investment in counseling and he's now tossing it down the drain?

It's not your fault. He had a choice.

Hopeless, I am so sorry.
Please do not blame yourself for the affair your husband is having.
Two wrongs don't make a right, and it sounds like you both worked on making everything ok.
You said you thought the affair was just about sex, well, I think most of the time they are, but I think it is really sad that both the other woman and your husband are throwing away their marriage for sex.
I do not know what you are going to say to him, but this is going to be a very painful situation, especially since it involves his best friend too!
Good luck to you

First of all, stop blaming yourself.

No matter what you did in the past, he choose to remain with you and two wrongs do not make a right. If he never truly forgave you he should have spoken out about it, same way as if he doesn't feel sexually pleased with you or whatever the reason is he should be able to communicate with you especially after counseling and rebuilding trust. Ask yourself if you're willing to forgive him or if there is even hope for the relationship to gain trust again, you also have a choice to stay with him or not but don't feel like you have to just because he did with you. It's going to take a lot to establish a trust worthy relationship now that you've both cheated on each other before, sit down with him communicate and make a decision from there on.

Best of luck to you!

Hopeless, I am afraid to say that the counseling, rebuilding trust etc. were not effective since you still felt uncomfortable in your own skin and still felt that he had never forgiven you, and those feelings were so intense that they precluded you from giving him sexual attention. I think that you need to say to yourself: "OK, I felt SOOO guilty that no amount of counseling could help me and that made me SOOO uncomfortable in my own skin because I felt as if he had not forgiven me that I lost my sexual self, but now that finally my retribution has arrived, I am free and able to shake the feelings of guilt, get rid of the feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin, become my old sexual self, and stop feeling as if I needed forgiveness. That is - I am free at last."

And from that place, decide what to do.

Guilt is a pervasive feeling - it does not go away easily - and it is also a destructive feeling more often than not. Apparently it was so ingrained in you that you could not feel free to be yourself without retribution. So you have gotten your retribution - say bye-bye to guilt at last. Just spend some time enjoying being guilt-free and postpone making any decisions until you have savored being your old self again.

PS he is not your H - you can postpone the wedding to get time to think

...

Dear, I read your message while ago and I have been thinking some nice way to tell you what I think. This is just my personal opinion and please, don't get hurt and don't take it too seriously. I'm not here to be against you, I am here to be on your side.

I say leave him. I can't see bright future for you two. You cheated on him and I am sure you had your reasons to do so. You did all the therapy and everything to make it better. But, he has been cheating you for 5 months now. Not like he cheated you once, or anything that would make it less. He has reason to cheat you, but dear, do not blame yourself for getting treated like this!!

Also, there is something that made me think a lot. You said you didn't feel good in your own skin with him. That is another reason why I say leave him. You deserve someone, who make you feel loved and accepted and cared. I don't think he is that person anymore. But before we go there, you gotta learn to be cool with yourself, alone.

You might feel like you can't do it alone, you need him to survive, you love him, you are attached to him, you share so much good etc. etc. but you can't be with him just cos you feel that way, as that isn't real love. It seems to me, that he has no respect to you. Also no respect to his best friend...

Maybe you can talk with the best friend, and think what you should do, how to talk about it. The best friend might not believe you, so you gotta prepare to make sure he isn't blind for his wife. I got the picture that you have some real evidence of this?

I'm sorry about this happening to you. I might be the only one who say this to you, but at least I can say I have said my real and honest opinion. You deserve to start from clear table, with someone new. But before that, you gotta deal with your fiance. Don't torture yourself anymore

I don't doubt that you are in a lot of pain. Feeling guilty is probably the worst part of it. Find a couple's counselor and get your fiance to go with you. Just being able to put what's happened on the table in front of yourselves and before an objective, compassionate 3rd party may help you come to terms with where you are and what you need to do.

There are couples who have gone through something like this and recovered. (I am thinking of a couple I know with a similar story who now have a good marriage.) That's not to say that you and your fiance are meant to stay together. But you need to both find how to move on with your lives, addressing the problems that brought you to where you are. There is more wrong than just the cheating. That is the symptom. Find out what is behind this.