[MikeNessMonster]

Hi all,

I live with my boyfriend who is significantly older than I. We have been together for almost two years now, and we have a great relationship. We live very freely, and have a bit of an unconventional lifestyle (we are both artists).

My boyfriend has a nine year old son, who comes to visit us every other weekend. At first, this was no big deal because I was not living with him at the time, and I would generally do my own thing while his son was over (and basically be a normal twenty two year old) on those weekends. Since I have moved in with my boyfriend, I have begun to dread the weekends when his son comes to stay with us.

I am generally uneasy around most children. I'm not quite sure why, but I did not grow up around younger kids, never babysat, and only had an older sibling.

My boyfriend and I live in a very small apartment. His son is VERY high energy, and I feel very trapped when he is here. He does not ever want to be alone, so even if I went to the bedroom to be quiet he will barge in and want to lay on the bed with me. He mostly sits on the couch (a small one) and plays games on the computer. If I do sit with him, he is constantly kicking me, poking me, and generally touching me, and this makes me feel very claustrophobic and anxious (he often doesn't mean to do this, but he is so high energy he cannot sit still for more than five minutes without thrashing).

My boyfriend does not have his own car, and since his son is only with us every other weekend, he is adamant that we always go out and do things (generally that I never want to do, but agree so that I am not a "party pooper"). I usually drive them around to whatever stores in the mall they want to go to, all the while feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, wishing that I could have my weekends back to do what I would want to do. When this is all said and done, his son never thanks me (literally for ANYTHING I do for him... cooking meals, driving him around, buying him food etc). He always just says "thanks DAD". Usually my boyfriend will correct him, and say "thank her", and sometimes he will actually thank me after being prompted, and sometimes not.

When he is over, I also usually get kicked out of the bed at night and end up sleeping on the couch because that's what his son wants. I feel as though I have no privacy. His son also has a tendency to nag me and hurry me when I'm getting ready in the morning to drive them around, asking me why I slept in so late (7:30 or 8 on a saturday). He has also insulted my driving for no reason, likes to tell me how to drive, and likes to pick fun at me on occasion.

I feel like my weekends have been completely hijacked. My boyfriend suffers from anxiety, and wants his son to have as much fun as possible when visiting him, and often gets upset with me if I tell him no, I'm doing my own thing this weekend. I feel trapped in my own house, like I can't get away and have one moment of sanity. I feel like I am always doing what they want, and never what we have compromised on doing. I just feel like I am being dragged around, just because I have a car and can take them places.

I am not a pushover, and demand respect from everyone in my life, but it seems that my boyfriends son does not respect me. I do my best to set boundaries, but I worry my boyfriend is so concerned with being the fun dad that he forgets how I must feel. When his son is over I literally just get this "UGH get away from me!" feeling, and feel like I want to run away. His son is very likeable as he is cute, funny, and animated... and I really want to like him... but I just don't! To me, he's annoying, overwhelming, rude, extremely needy, messy, and just exhausting.

I don't want to be a mother. I don't even think I want kids ever. I'm so sick of carrying around this guilt from not liking his son, and resentment for feeling like I "have" to be around them all weekend, and with little to no thanks at that. I really just don't like many children, and when they are all over me and I feel I have no space it drives me crazy.

Is it wrong of me to feel this way? How can I cope?

My boyfriend is going to be getting a car very soon, so that will help the situation tremendously. I CAN'T WAIT. I also feel that a larger apartment would allow me to be quiet in my own space while his son is visiting, and that may be in the works within a few months. I really can't take feeling trapped like this anymore.

Is my boyfriend to blame for trying to be the fun dad and not disciplining his son enough?
Am I just being a pushover? How strict am I supposed to be? I feel like every time he did something I thought was disrespectful, I'd be reprimanding him all the time and my boyfriend wouldn't always agree with me.
Is his son just a brat?

Please, helpful comments only. What are some ways I can cope with this dilemma?

[Rose3]

Maybe it would be helpful for you to plan for your privacy. If you don't really want to go out with them - then have some of your own plans in place. Why are you being kicked out of bed and then sleeping on the couch? That sounds awkward. I agree with your setting boundaries. If you do not want to spend your weekend with this child - then don't feel guilty. Look forward to the time when your boyfriend will have a car.

[Slamjammer]

Sounds like your BF is trying to be a good dad, as best he knows how. That's a good thing. On the other hand, the kid sounds like a hyperactive 9yr old with discipline issues.

I've been there, except the kid was a poorly behaved girl.

Talk to your BF about it, addressing the hyperactivity and need for rules. He is the one who must impose the rules with his son, otherwise you become the bad guy. Once rules are established, you can help enforce them by reminding the kid of the rules, if the need arises. This won't make you very popular with him, but it's better than being the wicked witch. Also, the kid may need some medication...obviously an issue for your BF to discuss with his ex...but you may want to bring it up.

In any event, good luck. I know it ain't easy ;-)

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by Rose3

Maybe it would be helpful for you to plan for your privacy. If you don't really want to go out with them - then have some of your own plans in place. Why are you being kicked out of bed and then sleeping on the couch? That sounds awkward. I agree with your setting boundaries. If you do not want to spend your weekend with this child - then don't feel guilty. Look forward to the time when your boyfriend will have a car.

I try to do that as it is. I've set boundaries such as "I will take you to x and y on saturday, and doing my own thing on sunday." That only works so well, because the son is so hyperactive and my boyfriend seems to feel that if they are not out and about he isn't being any fun... he will take him somewhere in a cab, and then message me expecting me to drop everything and pick them up from whatever location they've gotten themselves to because he has spent all his money buying his son fun things. And then so it goes.... I am going to try to get away next weekend to visit my sister. I will let my boyfriend know ahead of time when his anxiety isn't triggered and tell him to prepare fun things for home etc. I guess we will see how that works.

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by Slamjammer

Sounds like your BF is trying to be a good dad, as best he knows how. That's a good thing. On the other hand, the kid sounds like a hyperactive 9yr old with discipline issues.

I've been there, except the kid was a poorly behaved girl.

Talk to your BF about it, addressing the hyperactivity and need for rules. He is the one who must impose the rules with his son, otherwise you become the bad guy. Once rules are established, you can help enforce them by reminding the kid of the rules, if the need arises. This won't make you very popular with him, but it's better than being the wicked witch. Also, the kid may need some medication...obviously an issue for your BF to discuss with his ex...but you may want to bring it up.

In any event, good luck. I know it ain't easy ;-)

I've tried to talk with my boyfriend about it in the least accusing way, but usually he just looks at me like I have two heads and just says "He's just a kid! What do you expect?!" Which really irks me. Generally my boyfriend is very good at understanding my concerns, but I become the bad guy if I express concerns about his son's behavior. His son is very well behaved towards him, and he seems to have blinders on about his behavior towards me. For example, after being told I was sleeping on the couch, I woke up to his son shaking me awake at 5am. When I opened my eyes, his son simply used his thumb to "boot" me off the couch because he wanted to sit there and play games on the computer. To me this is extremely rude. I don't mind moving back to the bed, but to have a nine year old give me the "boot thumb" at 5am is just rude. When I was his age, I definitely would have said "Hey, will you move to the bedroom please? I want to sit here and play for a while." When I told my boyfriend about this, he just laughed and thought it was funny. What the hell?

[IceCreamKid]

Did you move into your boyfriend's place? The child (and Dad, subconsciously) might still view it as Dad's place.

The little boy sounds like he is being a little boy. As such he doesn't need discipline (if by that you mean punishment) so much as he does reminders on how to behave (in public and to others). The best discipline (as in controlling oneself) is self-discipline, and children learn that best by gentle reminders and observing others modeling good self-discipline. So his Dad should be modeling that for him by such things as "Thanks" said directly to you and to son and to the clerk at the store; and also "Let's make sure to thank [you] for driving us to the store" said to the son right before you stop the car.

Being a parent is a full-time, joyful burden. I loved it. Some people don't want that job. If you know you don't, it is time for you to start dis-engaging from this man.

If however, you plan on sticking with this man, it means sticking with his son, too. And it might be best if you and Dad move to a place that will have a specific place for son (and maybe a park nearby) or if you cannot move, arrange a space that is specific for son, even if it is just a corner of a room with a table and a big cloth where he can make a 'fort.'

His lying and sitting near you, wanting to touch you, etc. is probably a combination of anxiety and a desire to be friendly to you.

If you want the son to get used to you and Dad being a unit, then you cannot allow anyone to kick you out of your own bed. You and Dad need to be united on that.

It seems to me you have made several excuses for this little boy's father. I don't think Father deserves so much of your consideration; you have rights and needs and wants, too. Either you are partners in a relationship or you are something else. It sounds to me like Dad is taking advantage of you.
The time to work out the details of how you are going to proceed should be when Son is not there. But I wouldn't let Dad wiggle out of anything; he's had nine years to adjust to being a Father and that child needs the best Father he can have.

I see nothing wrong with you scheduling some other activities for yourself during part of Son's visit. Maybe you go and visit friends, or shop for yourself, and then come back together with son and father for dinner. Son needs some normalcy. You may need to be the one to encourage Dad to provide it instead of playing Peter Pan to his own child. I hope this helps.