[Yismymindblank12]

That girl who was not being my friend, she wasn't mindful of my feelings awhile ago. We were about to have sex it was all a fluke, I shouldn't had taken it so personally. I blame lack of social contact and experience from the lack of contact for so long. I've had sex many times, and it hurts a lot. Seriously, my mother destroys my social life, I should be out to the party I was invited at. If I had my license, I'd be like **** what my mom says. I'm gone, but it's like have to go talk to someone who only cares about me being at work, when it's not like I'm a rebellious teen in her eyes. I'm fed up of being isolated and self loathing from this abuse of no contact. I'm miserable and stir crazy and talk to random objects have fake relationships to cope.

Finding out now that my fantasy that this girl didn't like me at all, it made me realize connections with anyone is impossible. Currently, my mom doesn't care. I'm ****ing 20 let me grow up... I am not being irresponsible, she makes a ****ing terrible example letting my little sister do what ever the **** she wants and my sister lives on her own. She does more than I ever can do.

Shoot me please.

My emotions are in a trash can being beaten up left and right. I'm a punching bag according to my mom, I'm a piece of **** according to her and obviously I should work work work and be a good boy and never trust me. I gotta be ****ing manipulated to be converted to her miserable world. I can't pay your ****ing bills all the time and you don't trust me to go out. Seriously gtfo.

[kaliope]

the solutions seems simple...move out..get away from your moms control..and then you can have the life you always wanted

[Yismymindblank12]

Yeah. I'm doing that. it's being nearly impossible. I can't leave and save my money when she is like, "OH you wanted money for a car. I need this bill paid I don't have the money at the moment I need to take some from your account and pay you back later"... "OH you want to have something do, you can't.. I'll take your money just go out and go to a casino. "

It's like my life is not mine. I am at my job working my *** off so is she and my dad, but they don't want me be young. I want to shoot myself.

My relationships with friends are very long distant even though they live less than 15 miles away. I can't see them I don't have my license from my medical stuff, I can't take the vehicle to practice, I know how to drive I'm good at it. My mom won't let me, she doesn't care. When I take something, she gets mad she'll waste her day on the couch watching E enterntainment and mtv all day and yells at me and everyone who bothers her tv time. She's very negative and narcassistic, pushing her agenda on me when I don't care. She's a bully, I'm pissed no matter how hard, I want to do something, my mom will shoot it down. The lack of money my parents can afford and the fact, I can't get into a college I like and move out like my friends. My sister was lucky and my parents can only afford school for her.. I'm left with being alone trying to make something out of this situation left with a giant wall of frustration that no matter how hard I can work on myself the situation won't ever change.

I'm desperate, it's like, my mom is a timebomb I'm always walking on egg shells. It's like if she doesn't like it she'll talk me down and scream and start **** with me and assume she's all right and I'm all wrong. I don't want to prove anything, just show I don't need this and if you want me to be independent just trust me for ****ing once. Not talk down to me, when I'm doing something good for myself. She doesn't care and I sometimes want to run away and not come back. Not have my phone not talk to my friends leave this whole place behind, because I'm forced in this situation I'm desperately climbing out of and all I want to do is die. It's like I'm climbing out of a giant well from the bottom. I get so far before I fall back down, whether metaphorically it's money, friends, or emotional reasons.

I resent my mothers over protectiveness it's not helping it's abusive. She ignores me most of the time, when I'm upset. I can go to her for ****, if she hears a curse word or something she doesn't like she takes it out on you even my dad. She has so many issues and I hate being here. I want to be a free person, not some slave till I die. **** when I leave my mom be 62 and retired and making all the money she wants and still be in this situation. I can't be here anymore. I feel like for me to get my license, I have to take my moms car without telling her. She won't ever let me do it, I can do it. I've already seen it. I'm better than her actually.

I work hard at my current part time job, I'm trying to get this music job going, but nothing is budging. I'm forced to hear from someone out in california in a executive branch of a record label, to tell me I have this deadline expecting me to finish all these tracks like I'm the best artist in the world. In my honesty, I'm not, I am very talented, but I don't have the best equipment and it's because of this **** paying for their bills and it's so slow, it's like my life should be over now. I don't have a life, I don't want to live, I don't want the success, because I'll end up like her, miserable working working working away self loathing and hating and hurting everyone. I can't do this. I hate her, I can't do anything, she can't fix me to be her perfect child. I am not the defiant person she assumes I am, it's a cover for others to make an image I'm a brat. It's not true, I learned my mistakes and catch myself before she ever does. When she messes up she's like ooops ignore that. It happens a lot, when I do, she's goes ape **** and gets very mean to me..

It's like I'm a slave. I can't say **** you enough just to get my rage out and walk away. It's like a prison. I'm not able to get the results I want. I go outside talk to people make new friends, and realize it's not the same. I have my social skills shot in the *** from this. My mom doesn't want me to have a life, then she'll try to get me out of the house because she wants tv time and to prove like I deserve it to others and pretend that everything is fine.

I hear voices all the time, it's literally what the prisons in solitary confinement go through. I see hallucinations all the time, and my mom has no regard of it. Wants me to be on meds, midas well one day put me in an asylum so you can talk **** about how horrible I through my life away when you want me safe at the same time deluded to the fact you want me to be this isolated.

I'm not free, I'm in hell. True hell, I can not connect. I can not be happy. I just told her coworker new best friend about this. I know she'll tell my mom and my mom will get mad and take it out on me. Because she's more worried about her image and making money than living. She says, I want a simple life. Get over yourself. Seriously don't know how many times my sister and I said that, my dad telling you to calm down.

I can't live. I can't. It's miserable. I want to go to college to learn and be around like minded people socially. When I tell my mom that, this is what she says, "you go there to work and not socialize." I'm like.. "oh is that what happened to you?" sarcastically. I'm being honest, she doesn't care to look in herself so she takes it out on me. I want to kill myself, because she doesn't care of her pushing her **** on me in the weirdest ways.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm working on that miracle to leave this place forever. Trust me I am. I haven't gotten results yet.

[Yismymindblank12]

My mom when I'm at my darkest she's so hard and mean on me and then asks me why I'm negative. Then asks me why I am hard on myself after her telling me I should feel this or that. She's so ****ing neglectful. I don't ****ing care anymore with my body. I really don't I feel less than dirt and she isn't my mom. She's my captor.

[Yismymindblank12]

Please someone save me. I just want to leave. I can't run they'll know I'm gone. I gotta leave. I can't work my life in this slave pit. I can't please. Where are the people who even want me here. I don't want to be here. Can someone kill me or give me some control I can't leave. I can't leave someone shoot me and beat me so hard where I can't breathe and can't move. I can't leave here, someone save me. I'm begging you....

[Yismymindblank12]

You don't get it. If I go work on myself, and get my independence going my way to get out the fastest. My mom will flip out and call the cops. She makes this threat and usually follows through. I'm scared because of before I'm not rebellious. I'm scared, I'm not able to leave my house anymore. She won't let me leave she talks down to me when I'm upset or when I'm happy ignores me when I'm happy too. She doesn't care, she and my dad had an awesome day I'm isolated at home in so much pain wanting to talk to someone and be out. No one is talking like before and I can't run away and people are telling me I can, but it's not that easy. If my mom wouldn't call the cops on me I would be out now. If her psuedo ****ed up head thinks me being locked in a house alone all the time is safe. You know shes' crazy. Can someone save me? I'm working to make enough money. I'm trying to buy my life out of here. Buy my freedom. Please someone save me!

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm not doing something illegal, she'll just use the cops or 911 as a form of punishment or to keep me in my place. Who the **** does that?!?!?! Seriously. I can't leave here. I just want to leave badly.

[Yismymindblank12]

Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine, I can't run away from these people. Someone please get me out of here. I'm not able to do it myself. Please please please. I can't run. I hate myself, I'm trying not to cry. I'm trying so hard to keep my sadness quiet.They can't know I'm sad, or else they'll get mad at me. I here them getting mad at my dog when he just wants to be by my parents they push him and yell at him. It's like their life is stuck to a ****ing stupid tv. I can be here anymore they don't care not before, not now, not ever. Someone ****ing save me

[sabby]

Y, I'm so sorry to hear how you are suffering right now and all these thoughts ruminating through your mind, it must be very unnerving to you.

Please forgive me for not knowing about you better, but I have some questions for you.

Do you have a T or pdoc that you can speak to about all this? Are you on any meds at all and if so, are they not working for you at this time?

I see you are over 18, so that would mean that legally you have the right to leave your parents home without any intrusion. Does your illness prevent you from living on your own?

Feeling like you want to die is a sign of depression. Please know that those feelings do not have to be acted upon. I do get the impression that you really wish to work on your situation to make it better and that's a good thing!

Have you looked into getting SSI/SSDI at all? How about community housing in your area? That kind of housing goes by a percentage of your income and you may find it very affordable.

Just some ideas off the top of my head. I see you are into music and producing, why not try to keep your mind on that for awhile, it may help calm you a bit so that everything doesn't feel so critical and anxiety ridden for you.

Please take good care of yourself in the mean time. We care about you!

[Yismymindblank12]

I do and I don't take them anymore, my body is too sensitive for medications and I always gotten the rare sometimes nearly deadly side effects medically from like abilify, geodon, lithium, lomectal, I can't remember the others between anti depressants and antipsychotics made me sick all the time. I stopped taking them, it's easier without them.

Yes and no, yes, because I had many many tests and no one knows what I have. So far I have stiff mans syndrome. I'm getting physical therapy soon for it. No, because recently, I'm able to get my license, but it's taking much longer than it should.

yeah I'm aware it's been recently relapsed, from the lack of connections, communication, and people I'm around. I only see the people at work now and no one else. I'm home all the time, no one can hang out with me anymore. I moved too far from them, and my life is consistent of being isolated from everyone. Like my therapist says no matter how hard I try to make something happen they end up doing really ****** things and disappointing me and not being like a friend at all. I don't know, because I've been in all kinds of groups and I didn't like any of them, because over time they are just the same like the others. I'm not shy either, I just get so anxious and angry when someone wants to get to know me, because I don't believe them. This has happened so many times, they lost any credibility that they'll do something different. They always leave, whether, it's life they have to move, made better friends, have a gf bf, or they never liked me to begin with and used me for their time to be spent around people. It's like when I'm upset I'm always being told by these people I should feel guilty even my mom does a lot out of ignorance. I can't even feel like a person or have feelings.
It's like everyday life, is like a cage I'm trying to get out of. I'm not even giving up, I can't find an exit, and all I want to do when I get what I need, I am going to shut everyone out. I'm deleting my fb making a new one, and cutting everyone out from where I live now after I move to another state or city whatever.

I'm going to do that today with music.