Helping with the dishes

Hi All,

Husband usually does the dishes, but he has been behind for awhile now. So today, I decided to take the bull by the horns and help him.

This took facing my sense of inadequacy when it comes to housekeeping tasks. My mother thought she was being very kind to me by not assigning me any housework. As a result, however, I have never felt particularly skillful in cleaning and keeping a house.

Fortunately, my husband has all of these skills.

Anyway I faced down my dishwashing demons, and got tons of dishes washed.

It was a little, but big victory for me.

I even baked a cake tonight.

Thanks for listening. If anyone identifies with this I would love to hear from you.

EJ

I hate doing dishes. I hate cleaning house. I need to dishes and I need to clean house......hahhaah. No hubby to help. So I can't quite identify, but thought I'd share that I need to tackle it too. You've given me motivation to do it this week!

Ooh, I like doing the dishes. I find it quite soothing actually. Something is messy or whatnot, scrub-scrub and see, all is spotless!

If only that *censored* life could be as easy

EJ my mother thought I should just know how to do it. she never taught me a darn thing so yes honey I know exactly how you feel. I hate not being able to clean and it look good. and now with the back injury I can't do squat. thank goodness I have a good hubby that is very helpful. he does most of it now.

My stepmother was excellent at everything she did and a bit impatient with me. So, I would think I was horrible at something (especially peeling potatoes :-) when my T and I finally figured out it was just that I had no real experience and practice! The more you do a chore the better you get at it and the easier it is. I hated peeling potatoes as an adult so my poor husband rarely got mashed potatoes which we both like. But I keep at it (and peeling apples for apple pie) and now it's not so hard, uncomfortable, etc.

The biggest problem is "wanting" to do any chores since they're usually not fun or glamorous, etc. I had a hard time too, my T said, because my stepmother would show me once how to do something and then I was expected to do it from then on by myself. So, at 5 I was making my bed every day. Chores are much more enjoyable if you're working/talking with another and my stepmother and I missed out on getting to know one another in that way; my brothers and I had our "night" to do the dishes and we were alone, with the family's dishes (6-7+ people). The one person wash the other dry is nice. I wish my stepmother and I had done things together; I think if I could "go back" that's a change I would try to make in our relationship -- I'd help more and ask for her help/companionship, etc. I think that's probably an important way we get to know others and help others and learn our worth, etc. is in the give and take together.

Funny story, EJ711; my stepmother was like you and never had to do,didn't learn chores. She got married in the mid-1930s, and used to tell stories of having to learn all that; she tried to heat water in a pewter cup :-) The first time she did laundry (no washing machine) she put the clothes in the washtub, put in soap flakes and just left there there for days! (they mildewed -- she didn't realize she had to rub/scrub them, rince, ring them out, etc.) and she and her husband went to another couple's house for dinner and she was amazed and asked the woman how she managed to cook everything so it came out/was done all at the same time. I was just raised in her household, picked things up, was given chores to do, etc. so I picked up stuff automatically so you don't realize how much you learn/how "complicated" it can seem for someone who has never done it! I think some women don't realize that some men aren't raised learning those things and they think they're just "lazy" or stupid when in fact they just don't know how. But I don't think anyone "enjoys" some chores and wants to do them so I try not to feel put upon if I'm doing "more" and try to include/ask for my husband's help if I want/need it.

Congrats EJ!

I'm terribly incompetent at housework. My mother also thought she was being nice by never making me do any. Plus she was such a perfect cook that it was impossible for me (the domestic idiot) to learn from her. So I can barely cook and my apartment is generally a mess. Luckily most of the men I've dated could cook. I guess I better find a new boyfriend now before I starve....

Nice going on the dishes and cake!
Sidony

Yes good job!! I am very proud of you

My mother has an undiagnosed case of OCD..im sure she has it though anyway everything had to be spotless...spotless as in if you drop a clean fork on the floor she flips out and slams stuff...just for a fork...anyway i was assigned chores...mostly dusting and running the vaccum and some other stuff but she never liked my job and always critized me...plus she would tell me not to do work because she would do it and then scream at me later for being lazy...nevertheless go figure...cleaning and keeping house is a big trigger for me to go off the deep end especially if people critize me or push me or yell at me to finish...it is probably one of my main triggers that im finding out...so i do know the insecerities you talk about and i wish i could give you the biggest hug for overcoming such an obsticle!! (((((((((((((EJ)))))))))))))) You have my love and my praise...Good luck and keep up the good work! love, Inny

i was taught to cook and clean at an early age, i was the only girl in my imediate family so i used to have to do for my dad and my two brothers who were older than me, no thanks just had to do, by the age of 13 i was cooking all the evining meals through the winter, summer was diferant we would get money to get what we wanted,
i know how to do most things but sometimes im a bit slack at getting things done,
hubby is a great help he also can do most things, and does a lot of the cooking

Hi Bebop,

My mother did show me how, but it felt like she expected me to do it exactly her way, which I think was pretty advanced. I was supposed to be very careful to only use so much water. It felt like there were too many restrictions on the process. There wasn't room to find my own way.

Husband is like mother in that he wants to tell me how he does it, and in such a way that it sounds like he wants me to do it his way too.

Anyway neither my mother or husband were around yesterday, and I came up with a really fast and good way to get through the accumulated silverware.

It felt like a real victory.

I'm sorry you have a bad back.

Hugs,

EJ

Raynaadi, Always, Perna, Sidony, Inny and Katheryn,

Thank you all for sharing your stories and struggles too. I felt really vulnerable sharing about my housekeeping issues, and you all have made me feel so much less alone in this.

Hugs to everyone,

EJ

Hi there!

Congratulations for conquering a demon. Good for you!

As for not being trained in housekeeping, my mother took the time to train me, and I know lots of short cuts and how-tos that I'm amazed other people don't. But you know what? I hate housekeeping anyway, and I do very little of it.

I'd have to say that if I made a list of things I need to be good at, housekeeping would come at the bottom of the list!

My mother never taught me any housekeeping tricks either, and she certainly never taught me how to cook, because she couldn't stand to have people in the kitchen with her. Even if offered help, she would shoo the person away and want to do it herself. She paid for it, though. Once when I was a junior or senior in high school (so late teens and should have known better) she asked me to make bouillon. I had never seen a bouillon cube in my life and had no clue what to do with it. But it seemed like it required boiling water, so I put the teakettle on, got it boiling, and dropped the cube in the teakettle!

Ooooooh, did I get yelled at, but she did admit finally it was her fault for not teaching me how to cook! LOL which I still can't do, as you know.

Congrats on getting through the dishes!

Candy

I went on a marathon cleaning spree yesterday. Got everything done. Wore me out!!!! This thread gave me the push though!

Raynaadi,

Good for you!!!

EJ

Yesterday I had a lady come in to clean my apartment. My one-bedroom apartment where I live, alone.

Does it get more incompetent than that?

I'm afraid I'll never be skilled in a domestic sense. My mother also shooed me out of the kitchen (still does when I visit) if I tried to help. She was just too perfect at it. Not that I blame her for the fact that I turned out to be lazy.

I just hope that if I ever marry, I'll be able to halfway do my share. I mean, I'll really try, but I'm not good at this stuff. I forget.

Sidony

I would love to be able to afford someone to come in and clean up after me. In my case, it's not competence, but fatigue from illness, working long hours, and having other priorities for my limited "free" time.

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Wants2Fly said:
I would love to be able to afford someone to come in and clean up after me. In my case, it's not competence, but fatigue from illness, working long hours, and having other priorities for my limited "free" time.

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Oh I definitely shouldn't have spent money like that and don't very often. But I was desperate and never seem able to drum up the willpower to try to do those things I'm so bad at....

Sid

I have a funny story. I had trouble with mold/mildew in my new shower (that is supposed to be of a material that resists mold and mildew :-) and scrubbing didn't do anything at all which was disappointing so I decided to try Tilex. Sprayed some on and scrubbed and nothing happened. Yesterday I wanted to "install" a new shower nonslip mat as I'd done some inadvertent surfing/hydroplaning on the one we had and wrenched my back (not good) and it was "solid" and collected mold/mildew underneath which wouldn't scrub up but when I looked, the spots that I'd sprayed with the Tilex were gone. So, I sprayed and scrubbed underneath where the old mat had been and nothing happened but within 45 seconds it did :-) I could almost watch it disappear and fast too.

I know about the "do it my way" sort of instruction. I still remember taking home ec in junior high school, 1963ish and we were literally taught what order to wash the dishes and had to follow it (and be graded on doing it in the right order). I guess back then there was still the whole factory efficiency movement going on (Cheaper by the Dozen thing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheaper_by_the_Dozen) and since too, most people didn't have dishwashers yet and used a single sink of water how "dirty" the dishes were would make a difference; there's less "dirt" on a glass than a plate and even more on a pot/pan so dipping it in the "dirty" water, you'd want it cleaner for some things than others. And getting the tines of a fork clean, is harder, etc. so would slow you down and be inefficient :-) Can't wash a glass then 2 forks, a plate, 3 spoons, another glass -- how "chaotic" and barbarian; positively NOT genteel.

It always surprises me how we forget that what we "learned" when we were growing up is not necessarily"right," "true," or "good" but just a habit that was 100% madeup somewhere by someone for a social reason.

Sidony, I didn't mean for my comment to be taken as a criticism or something that required a defense. I'm sorry if it projected that way.