[katheryn]

today seems to have been a long day, decided to do the food shop after we picked the children up from school, but because friends were comming to vist and arrived late we ended up leaving home late to pick the children, the stress walking around the supermarket was a strain son who has adhd wanted everything all around, i can normally cope with this but today i allready had a headache so i asked him to wait outside untill we finished,
after we got home eldest daughter came in and as i had forgot to put petrol in the car for the week , we went out to get it took eldest with us as to limit the trouble they would get in when all left at home togeather but youngest (13)fell out with her sister (20) texted us to complain, when we got back told them both to go to there rooms but youngest wouldnt go quietly shouted and screemed abuse at us, every time she does this the things that she says is not very nice, and hurts even when we explain she still does it again

Visited our 20 year-old daughter when she was away at college one time (now 30) & she started telling us how dysfunctional we are (true but we tried our best & gave her & her brother the best we could both emotionally & financially) & basically told us to leave even though we were supposed to stay for the weekend. We left & somehow she regained her loving feelings towards us at a later date.

We don't talk about that time, but they do grow out of the hostility. She now is very loving, appreciative, etc. She even flew in for my husband's bday for only about 18 hours. She is a lawyer with a big time commitment at work, and we couldn't believe she would fly in basically to have an afternoon & evening with us. It was a great time.

Somehow when they age they come to appreciate you so don't give up hope.--Suzy

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((((((Kathryn)))))))))))))))))))))

[almostangela]

Hi Katheryn

When I was a kid & teen, I wouldn't dare yell and scream like my sister did, but I had real low self esteem and she was very successful in life. When my boys have a hissy fit at me I realize they are just testing their strength on someone safe and I know that they will need to use that when they go out into the world. Then I grin and say "suck it up, princesses, I'm the boss" and I don't give in. My oldest (17) remembers that and appreciates that he could get his anger out and not have it held over him forever. I always insisted on an apology after the grounding.

Hang in there, this is just a short period in a long wonderful life.

[Flinty]

((((katheryn))))

When I was a teen, I did have moments of anger when I would say things I didn't mean to my parents.....

I hope that your daughters can put aside their falling out!!!
Maybe your youngest feels that screaming abuse is the only way she can communicate her feelings at the time.

Does she ever appologise for her behaviour after things have calmed down?

Flinty

[Perna]

Children haven't learned very many ways to cope yet and just like the very young ones may hit or kick, etc. the teens sometimes use very hard words because they know they'll have an "effect". My stepmother and I were very hard on one another verbally (and she, physically) when I was a young teen and I always regretted it but couldn't "stop."

I think it is mostly frustration talking. I'd note a teen's anger and what it is "about" so I could try to help but I'd convert the actual words to something like, "Your mother wears combat boots" :-)

[Meta]

((((katheryn))))

It is a real trial for me when my 9 year old daughter gets really angry at me and yells, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" I get very upset but I try to remain calm and just say "I know and that's okay," or " I think what you mean is you are really angry with me right now." When I was a child, my parents reaction to one of my siblings or I being angry, was to become enraged at us. Or if we cried to say something like "I'll give you something to cry about!" Now, based on that history, I have to resist the very strong impulse to express anger back at my daughter or to try and joke her out of being upset. I am hoping she will learn that her emotions are okay--which I did not.
Usually when I handle it well, her emotions seem to blow over--meanwhile while I am happy about this, very often I am still strongly overwrought myself--again I attribute this to my unhealthy childhood experience with emotions. Still, I am hoping I am doing something right that will help her cope better with her emotions than I learned. It is a real struggle though.

meta

[katheryn]

thank you for all the reply's,
because daughter wouldn't take the punishment of going to her room without a fight she is now band from using the PC unless for homework, this is quite a blow to her as she would spend most of her free time on msn talking to the people she goes to school with, again tonight she has begged to go on the PC but hasn't understood why she was banned in the first place, i have tried to explain but all she did was argue, being the youngest of four which two have forms of adhd/add i know its hard with siblings like these, and i try to treat them all fairly
i was brought up by my dad with my aunts influence, and can still remember being punished for things i didn't do, as i was the youngest of my family and my aunts children they would bully me into taking the blame for something, and i would get told of and then when aunt found i had lied i would get another telling of and if i grassed up my cousins i would get into trouble with them, so i try to be fair

[slipping]

oh, it is so simple to have retorts like our mothers used to have...but i learned to bite my tongue and not cause my kids to have feelings hurt over comments i could make when frustrated...todays retort to 'i hate you' can be as simple as 'yeah, yeah, woteva' , love you too' and then act like nothing was ever said...the 8-12 age is difficult one..some times they act grown up, other times like babies, and the worst part is, they dont know when they wake up each day, which one they gonna be - so how can we know....lol....i do remember the door slamming to my daughters room often in that age span...but we and the door survived well....