Trust issues with girlfriend need advice please.

Hi people
I am 20 years of age and was put in care by the age of 4. i was with foster parents and in children homes growing up and have always thought of life as a dark place. I have no family to rely on or never had love in my life. i have resonantly been diagnosed with Emotionally unstable personality disorder and i am on medication for this which was helping until i met my new girlfriend. I have had 2 serious relationships previously and my trust issues have pushed them away and destroyed the relationship which left me heartbroken even though I caused it. I constantly accused them of cheating and always thinking everything they said was to hide something or a cover up. I started talking to some girl 2 months ago online and we get on well and she drove to my home and picked me up and we went out had a good laugh and it was going really well, i see her a few more times and she really likes me and i really like her too. but i cant stop saying please don't cheat on me. its so weird because i don't want to be saying it but i cant control it i feel like i have to keep saying it and i no it aint healthy. i have spoke to her about why i feel like this and tried to get her to understand and she re assures me she only wants me and that she wouldn't hurt me or cheat. we are together now but i am on here because i cant control it myself im always doubting her and not trusting her when she has not done anything wrong. she is very independent and i worry 24/7 that i am going to loose her, if i carry on like this i will eventually loose her and im scared of that. can anyone give me any advice on what to do because im going to end up lonely for life if i carry on the way i am. i don't believe when she tells me she loves me i dont believe anything she says. i just don't know what to do. even when i come home after a good time with her i get all down and depressed.

Are you in any kind of counseling or therapy? If not I would suggest it. A good therapist might be able to help you get rid of the issues that are causing the problem. Seeing a therapist or counselor would also show your girlfriend how much you care and what you are willing to do for her. Just a thought.

i have had 6 counselling sessions previously and it did help but it was not to do with my trust issues it was more about anger. I am willing to do councelling. do you know how i would go about it? like how would i get in contact with councellor??

Thanks for sharing....

That's only what you think. Did you see anyone with her while you're together? Do you have evidences to prove that? I mean, If you don't trust your girlfriend then let her go. If you love her, then trust her.

Hey...

I think you are doing remarkably well considering the attachment problems stemming from early childhood and adolescence spent in children's home and foster care.

I am unclear as to what medication is being used for your PD (personality disorder), but I can tell you for sure that the standard of care for your PD includes therapy (T). T is an absolute must. Do not rely on medications alone, or you would never get out if this rut. If you cannot afford individual T, look for group T. Interns charge less than licensed therapists. Some clinics are sliding scale. You must avail yourself of the resources that are out there. At the very least, if you absolutely cannot spend a penny on treatment, sign up for a peer support group - those are either free or carry a nominal charge or require an optional donation.

Note that the old name for your BPD was borderline PD or BPD, so when you search for groups in your area (say on meetup), use both terms. The emotionally unstable is a relative new term and not everybody uses it, although it IS a better term for sure.

That you have already had two serious relationships is a big achievement, given that a string of foster care placements did not give you a good foundation for forming relationships. So basically you are ahead of the curve.

Your insight into self and the problem is very good and you realize that the way you are handling the problem is ineffective and even dangerous (she may run away if she gets tired of your imploring her to be faithful all the time). So in terms of intellectually comprehending your situation, you are perfectly wise. You just cannot put your wisdom into practice. Is it about right? Would you agree with this assessment? I have some practical ideas but am going to wait until you say whether the only problem is implementation.

Also, switching subject a bit - how many books have you read written by or about people who became successful and prominent despite the fact that they did not have a complete family and spent their childhoods in foster care or children's homes? I think it would be very important for you to read such books, because you'll see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that your childhood is not a permanent scar.

Please tread lightly and be gentle on yourself. You clearly deserve it.

I know a wonderful guy who fostered numerous children, some even disabled. All of them are doing well as adults except for one gal. She got in trouble with the law and now she cannot find a job because of her criminal record. And that is not after a string of foster care placements - she was in good stable hands all the time.

And you had it much worse, but are doing pretty well and, I am sure, will do even better with time, self-work, and therapy! Thanks for joining PC.

Just noticed that you are in UK. So my understanding is that you can get free CBT from the NHS. You might need to wait because there is a waitlist, so the sooner you get on the list, the sooner you will be seen. Maybe you can be fast-tracked given that you have a diagnosed PD and are on medication.

In the US, the most common type of therapy for your PD is called DBT. It is basically CBT with bells and whistles and a little Buddhism. In other words, if you get into CBT, you will get helped. Act as soon as you can - the problems you are describing are treatable and you will feel better and have better relationships after some time spent in CBT.

I'm sorry you're having this problem. My heart goes out to you. My mother (I think) has this disorder but as far as I know, she was never formally diagnosed. Even after she married my father and had two kids with him, she was never able to deal with her fears. Now, 42 years later, she still brings it up, and I can tell it really hurts and frustrates my father.

The other posters hit the nail on the head. With therapy you can start to take back your life and see things from new perspectives. It will take a good, long while, but eventually you'll be much happier for taking the leap into therapy.

Best wishes!

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I would like to thank you for your replies i have read them and i appreciate the advice and the time you spent to help me! god bless you all. i will certainly look into counselling. My trust issues probably do come from my childhood and moving families alot and not having a stable home and feeling like im going through life on my own. It is hard and its nice to express my feelings and talk to people that care it means alot to me thanks again!

i would like to thank you all for your time and advice given to me. i appreciate it a lot. its nice to express my feelings and nice to know there is people who care. i will certainly take everyone's advice who replied to me. i guess i was dealt a bad set of cards since i was born. But got to keep going hey . And yes i am from the UK and if i spoke to my doctor i guess they can refer me to counsellors?. feel free to add me or pm me anyone as i will check this everyday from now on would be good to speak to some new people. thanks again i appreciate it unexplainable amounts.

Oh, and in the meantime, your GF should know that you had a string of foster care placements and children's homes. Any lay person who cares would empathize with you; one does not need to have a degree in psychology to comprehend how attachment is formed in early life. So she should be in the know about your lack of stable structure for many years.

Treatment WILL help you, but... with time.

For right now, you need a stopgap measure - a temporary solution. If you find yourself saying those things to her again... and again... do not berate yourself but rather qualify what you are saying in an apologetic way.

"I know full well that you have done absolutely nothing - nothing at all - that could come remotely close to justifying any trace of doubt on my part, but I feel this this and that".

If you make sure that you hold her in high esteem and are only expressing your feelings without actually suspecting anything, I trust that it would be nice enough.

Or, to avoid lengthy conversations, you can come up with a code word and tell her what it means. Then your exchange might go like this:

You: the tornado is here once again
GF: oh, I am so sorry!
You: I am sorry for YOU since YOU have to put up with this
GF: oh well, I guess I have to (I think that would be the British way of saying it)
You: a hug?
GF: "sure" or "always glad"

And that is all.