I always have a hard time getting past a break up. Even if it happened over two years ago...
I made the mistake of being friends with my ex, I thought if I break up with him he can't hurt me or vice versa, what an idiotic thought that was. The friendship was on his terms, he said "people like us need to stick together" (he also has depression, etc.) I know I shouldn't be friends with my exes because of the way I once felt for them, that doesn't mix well in a friendship for me. So of course, as it always happens, he lied to me for over a month, let everything snow ball until he finally told me he was seeing other people, not even in a romantic way, but he had been lying about it and canceling plans to go see them. Needless to say I feel very betrayed, mostly because he was the only person in my life I felt I could trust, he was supportive and helped me a lot... but then he really screwed up the situation.... and me.

I know, for me, I need to make friends and have better experiences, but I've been trying for over two years with no success. How is it possible to get over past betrayals if I can't make new experiences? I try to go out and do things, but just yesterday I was out walking with my only friend and I saw my ex-friend driving by with a girl in the car. Triggers are everywhere for me, I was having a panic attack in a store after I saw him. I just want to get past what I should be past already. It doesn't feel possible anymore...

To make matters worse, that "only friend" I mentioned is a constant liar, always unreliable and I've even gone as far as calling him a narcissist. And again, he's the one who suggested hanging out and made plans, then ditches me and I'm left sitting alone at home with nothing to do and no distractions.
I don't know how to get past any of these upsets without better experiences... I don't even feel safe going out after seeing my ex-friend, it's hopeless....

[curley]

Hi Borderline, I think the reason you have had difficulty meeting someone or starting a new relationship over the past two years is.......you still have the ex in your life.
Even though you know it is a friendship in the back of your mind you still have a man so why look. Besides spending time with this guy takes away from your new life.
Granted lying to a good friend is not acceptable, but it is possible he was hiding the relationships so you would not be hurt.
You admitted when you saw him with a girl it really upset you. #1 You need to work on that, because you and he are friends, #2 Good reason for him hiding his other relationships.
He has every right as do you to spend time with others!
You seriously need to meet some other friends and possibly you will be attracted to one of them. Or join a fun class, art, etc, or some kind of community group!!!
I have felt some of the hurt you are feeling, so I can relate, but you are only hurting yourself. Try not to hold resentments toward this guy, you did admit he was caring and supportive. It is just time to move on!!!
good luck to you

[FreeBird98]

i feel like it's impossible and inappropriate to keep your ex in your life.. that's just me though.

[~Christina]

Ex's are Ex's for a reason..... Maybe wayyyyyy down the road you can have a sort of relationship, but no one can go from in a relationship right into a friendship-zone. Feelings are still way to raw.

I completely agree. I never wanted to be his friend in the first place, but things happened on his terms and when you have no one else, it seems like a good idea.
I also agree that the reason I haven't been able to meet anyone is because we WERE friends. We are no longer friends, I saw him with another person a month after I stopped seeing him as friends. I think the reason it was so upsetting to me is because he made it seem like it was impossible for him to meet people. "Sent out 100 messages and only 1 reply" where as I've been looking for over two years with no success.

Ironically, I think it was the next day after this post, I did meet someone and we started talking. Although we aren't talking anymore and it probably wouldn't have gone any where, I finally did it.
I was right after all these years, staying friends with my ex was holding me back, and believe me I told him that many times.

Oh, and lying to spare my feelings is really the worst excuse to lie, it justifies absolutely nothing. The reaction that these people who lie are afraid of, is the reaction to their lies, obviously they would have done their fair share of lying in the past to fear such a reaction.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you should seriously consider DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). I assume that there are a lot of practitioners in Canada. Your nickname includes borderline, but, you seem to be unaware of the limitations that this personality disorder places on you, nor seem to be equipped with effective skills for dealing with your triggers.

Staying friends with an ex is challenging for anyone, but for someone with borderline traits, it is simply counter-indicated.

You also place unrealistic expectations on yourself - you say that you want to be past what you SHOULD be past, but how would you go past it in the absence of skills?

It seems that you have never received psycho-social education, i.e. nobody has spent time with you explaining the personality traits and how to work around them.

There are DBT groups- for one, groups are usually more affordable than one-on-one therapy, and for another, for building skills groups might actually be better, so it is a win-win. Can you research DBT groups in your area?