[Lostdeepinspace]

I need help or opinions on what people think of this. My father and mother split when I was 5. I saw him on and off until I was 11. I moved cities so did not see him for a few years. When I was 14, I went to visit him and he picked me up from the airport. We went to his house and the next day he was gone as he had to work. He did not come home for a week.... and I started to wonder what the hell was going on. I called the local bar where I knew he always went and they paged him to come to the phone. When he answered he was drunk and said he would come home that night. He did not come home. The next day I was so sad, I changed my plane ticket (by myself at 14 years old). The day after, I flew home without seeing my dad. That was the last time we saw each other. I have spoken to him a few times over the year when my grandmother died, but it was only because I was executor of the will and he wanted to know what was happening with his money. OK So here is what I need help with.... he called me the other day.. crying (drunk) telling me how much he loved me and how he had no idea of who I was until he bumped into a family friend. This phone call sent me in hysterics as I have always longed for my father to love me. Please let me know your thoughts if Im reading to much into his bull or should I give him chance. we have not spoken since his drunken call.

Personally I don't believe you owe this person anything. It is really up to you, wantwhatIcanthave. If your desire to be loved by your father is that strong that you want to take a chance, this is something only you can decide. But I would certainly urge caution on your part. If he was drunk when he made this most recent call, he clearly hasn't changed &, after all these years, I would say he's probably not likely to. I'm afraid you may just be opening yourself up to allot of additional trouble from him. But, there again, this is really a decision you'll have to make. Do you really want to try to establish a loving relationship with him enough to risk all of the additional trauma he may bring into your life? Also, if he was drunk when he called, will he even remember that he made this most recent call to you? My best wishes to you with regard to this situation...

[Lostdeepinspace]

Thank you! I was thinking the same thing. He probably doesnt rememeber the call... But at the same time there is this little voice in my head saying maybe he really wants to reach out... And u know what people say... The truth comes out when u drunk. Also maybe he hasnt called again because maybe he is embarrassed? But then again maybe that is just wishful thingking on my part.

[Rose76]

Since he is still drinking heavily, I would be very slow to build up any hopes that he is on the verge of starting a good relationship with you. He very well may actually love you, to the extent that he knows you. That doesn't mean he'ld be a joy to be in frequent contact with. A number of people quite close to me have been heavy drinkers. As fond of them as I was and as fond of me as they were, connecting with them tends to be a disruptive experience.

You ask about "giving him a chance." A chance for what? You need to get this clear in your mind. If you don't mind having the occasional encounter with him that is apt to be marred by his drinking, then I would say, "Sure, why not."

But, if you are contemplating giving him the chance to be the father you always wished he was, then forget it. He's not going to be that guy . . . . not so long as he is as heavily involved with booze as you describe. Consider the risks you are taking, if you try to establish more of a connection with him. For instance: How would you feel about him showing up at your front door, intoxicated, saying "I have no where to sleep tonight and I was hoping I could stay with you."

His distancing himself from you may actually have been a loving move on his part. Alcoholics sometimes don't want to expose their children to the nitty gritty aspects of their plight. Also, alcoholics are often on the lookout for someone who might be a source of financial support to them. As a child you couldn't be that. Is he possibly suddenly interested in you because he sees you as someone who can help him out when he's in a jam?

I'm not saying he is just out to use you. However, alcoholics tend to end up using anyone they can who is available to meet a need. (At least that's been my experience, which has been rather extensive.)

If you feel you want to open your heart to him, then you might say something like this the next time he calls: "I think about you, Dad, and I'ld like us to know each other better. Maybe we could meet for lunch one day soon." Then you could see how that encounter goes. Just keep in mind that once you open that door, you don't know what will come through it.

[Lostdeepinspace]

Well... As much as i would love to go for lunch with him... That is not an option. I have moved an no longer live in the same country as him. In fact i just went back to my old country in june and tried hard not to go look for him. I just want him to know that i hve always loved him and have very fond memories of when i was a child. I just want to know that he is ok and that he knows i am ok.

[Rose76]

So what options are you contemplating?

[Lostdeepinspace]

Originally Posted by Rose76

So what options are you contemplating?

Well.... I go back to my home country once every year... And i am contemplating on whether i should just go see how he is or just let it be? Should i call him or just forget about it. My heart wants to know him more.. But at the same time cant take anymore hurt. My grandmother passed away and she was in the same boat. I remember her always being sad because she didnt have a relationship with her son. I just feel that maybe this is a chance to see if a friendship could work...? Deep down inside i feel that if i do it she will get to see it aswell from my heart.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by wantwhaticanthave

And i am contemplating on whether i should just go see how he is or just let it be? Should i call him or just forget about it. My heart wants to know him more.. But at the same time cant take anymore hurt. . . . I just feel that maybe this is a chance to see if a friendship could work...?

In life, there tends to be risks with anything we do. That's the first thing you need to get realistic about. Reconnecting with your father will definitely put you at risk of having to get hurt more than you already are. If you absolutely "can't take anymore hurt," then forget about it.

I would also advise you not to do it as a favor to your grandmother. She can see her son just as well from heaven above, as from inside your heart. Either do it to satisfy a need of your own, or don't.

Someone who is heavily involved with alcohol is apt to not make for the best buddy in the world. So when you say you are wanting "to see if a friendship could work," you need to be careful about what it is that you are envisioning. This man's relationships are likely to be dysfunctional, as you have already experienced. How much of that are you up for?

Alcoholics are human beings with hearts like anyone else. They can care, and and they can love. I remember when my baby sister died. My alcoholic uncle was the first person to show up at the wake. He was clean, neatly dressed and sober. This was a big effort for him. He made the effort because he did love us and felt so bad for our family. It was touching because he was actually at the funeral parlor before anyone, waiting in there all by himself . . . just waiting for my parents to say how sorry he was. This was a man who inhabited skid row on a regular basis.

If you have the strength to love someone who is apt to break your heart, then go for it. Since your dad lives in a different country, there are a lot of problems you may be less likely to have. He may be glad to know that you are okay and not bitter toward him, which it doesn't sound like you are. You could be a source of some comfort to him.

Just be real low in your expectations of what he will offer you. He will not be a consistent source of emotional support, in the way that a good friend is likely to be. He may be in and out of tough difficulties in his life that will be disturbing for you to hear about. His mind probably has trouble separating reality from fantasy. If talking to someone like that gets on your nerves, then don't even bother getting involved.

I would recommend that you do some reading on alcoholism. AA, or Al-Anon, is a good source of material, and there are others. You don't want to make a connection and then say to yourself, "OMG, I had no idea his life would be this much of a mess and would never have contacted him, if I had realized that it were."

He may be embarrassed about calling you. My experience is that alcoholics tend to be riddled with shame. If you open some kind of a corridor between him and you, don't press him too much about staying in touch. Just leave a little door open that he can approach as the spirit moves him. At the same time, have an idea of what boundaries you may wish to leave in place.

Knowing more about him could help you better understand the history of your own life and just life in general.

[Lostdeepinspace]

Thank you Rose. It is always helpful hearing everything from another persons point of view. I grew up in an alcoholic house hold so i know what kind of issues and problems that can lead to. All of my aunts and uncles are drugs addicts and alcoholics so i have seen it in the flesh. All my cousins have bound together and worked hard on not becoming like the generation before us. I love my dad and maybe its just me feeling sorry for him and myself. I just want him to know i love him dispite all the hardship we have had. I know he is in deep and cant crawl out. I just want to be there for him for moral support. Knowing all that i do about alcoholism and seeing what it can do to someones life, i dont feel i give up on him like everyone else. I will be there if he needs (morally) and if not, i will just hope for the best for him. I will try hard to not have expectations.

[ellengiles]

Just be strong dear. He wasn't there when you needed him the most. I understand your craving for your father's attention. But does he really means what he says?? I would suggest that you maintain a co-ordial relation with him and not read too much between the lines. Give time to both of you. If he calls you up and says the same things when he is not drunk you might consider giving this a thought. Till then, just be formal.

Its easy becoming a Father to a child. The real challenge lies in being Daddy!!