[setnpretty]

Hi Everyone!
So my boyfriend of almost 2 years, cheated on me for the first 6 months of our relationship. I found out and decided to stay with him. I just can't seem to let it go. It's been over a year and I still get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think something isn't right. If he has his phone on silent, he unblocked the girl he was messing with on facebook one day, when he is working out of town and I don't hear from him for extended periods of time. I feel like all those things throw me back to the very day I found out about all of this. He says that I forgave him and he's not going to argue about it anymore, nor is he going to have the conversation every few months or weeks whenever I have a breakdown. I still feel wounded and I need him to acknowledge that but he doesn't seem to have much remorse for the damage he caused. I know I have to let it go or let him go. He has told me several times that I need to let it go or move on...and I know that is the truth, I just am on an emotional roller coaster and don't know what to do. I feel he should still be more helpful through this, but then maybe I am the one who is the cause of all the chaos, maybe I shouldn't still be thinking about it. Please understand that I know that it's a difficult situation and some of you will think I'm just stupid for still being there....I just had hope that he meant it when he said he would do anything to make it all better after his cheating....I just constantly have a horrible guy feeling that something isn't right and I don't know if it's because of my past hurt, or I'm just not where I'm supposed to be.
Thanks for taking the time to read this...

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It is a hard thing to live with someone after they cheat, but that doesn't mean that it is impossible. Have you tried counseling? If not, that might be a good place to start. Forgiving is not as easy for some as it is for others, so don't be too hard on yourself.

[kelly8896]

It’s hard to continue in a relationship when the trust you had is destroyed. I believe that it is not up to you to get over it, it is up to him to make you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship since he is the one that betrayed it. That will take time and effort. Yes, You have to be willing to forgive. So ask yourself, what can he do to make you feel secure and confident in your relationship going forward? Really be honest with yourself here and then express to him that you are doing your best to trust him and want the relationship to work, but you feel you need this (tell him specifically what you need) from him in order to feel secure and confident that the relationship is headed in a positive direction and so the trust can be rebuilt.

I’d say if he is willing to put forth the effort in giving you what you need to rebuild the trust, then give it a chance, but if his attitude is that you just need to get over it, then I expect your insecurities and trust issues won’t ever go away and you need to find someone else. Someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated, with respect, love and consideration and who is willing to put forth the same amount of effort into a relationship as you are.

Good luck. Remember to stand up for what you feel you deserve and except no less.

[Puglife]

The good news is you are not married to him. Now is the time to decide if you can fully forgive and move on. If you decide to stay with him then at some point you will have to trust him. But you have decide what your motives for staying with someone that cheated on you for six months are. For me, part of it would depend on his reasoning and how I found out. But he also needs to prove he is trustworthy. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Good luck.

[RedDot]

Forgiveness and trust are two entirely separate things. Forgiveness is given by your own grace, trust is earned through effort. It's not you, in this case, it's him. He has to earn your trust, and to do that he has to decide if he wants it. It sounds to me like he is being dismissive and only wants to make the effort.

What troubles me is this - "he cheated on me for the first 6 months of our relationship" (did you get a reason?) "I found out" (did he tell you or did you discover based on evidence found?), "nor is he going to have the conversation every few months or weeks whenever I have a breakdown" "he doesn't seem to have much remorse for the damage he caused" (a biggie for me possibly deal breaker), "He has told me several times that I need to let it go or move on". He said he would do anything to make it all better for you but when you need to discuss your fears he drops the gavel and says "NO TALKING ABOUT IT - SUBJECT IS OFF LIMITS!". How convenient for him to make up all the rules and expect you to obey them or "move on". He must feel he has some power over you (sounds like you've given him that too).

Why would you think that you are the cause of his cheating? Is there any basis to that? Not looking for a response to any questions, just postulating. No one knows all the facets of your relationship. Just be careful, whatever you do. Sorry you are dealing with this.

[DomesticCompanion]

To Kelly8896: What you say about standing up for what you feel you deserve and accepting no less is good advice, in my opinion. I think maybe that is the bottom line.

[setnpretty]

Originally Posted by Cthrume

What troubles me is this - "he cheated on me for the first 6 months of our relationship" (did you get a reason?) "I found out" (did he tell you or did you discover based on evidence found?), "nor is he going to have the conversation every few months or weeks whenever I have a breakdown" "he doesn't seem to have much remorse for the damage he caused" (a biggie for me possibly deal breaker), "He has told me several times that I need to let it go or move on". He said he would do anything to make it all better for you but when you need to discuss your fears he drops the gavel and says "NO TALKING ABOUT IT - SUBJECT IS OFF LIMITS!". How convenient for him to make up all the rules and expect you to obey them or "move on". He must feel he has some power over you (sounds like you've given him that too).

Why would you think that you are the cause of his cheating? Is there any basis to that? Not looking for a response to any questions, just postulating. No one knows all the facets of your relationship. Just be careful, whatever you do. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Thank you! I found out on my own and then he came clean, he was talking to a couple different girls on the internet and sharing inappropriate texts and pictures with them. He isn't very remorseful, and that is hard because I feel even though it's been a year he should still be trying everyday to make things better. I try daily and I have been faithful since day one. I have given him a lot of power over me and I don't understand why, I feel weaker than I ever have in my life. I don't know how to get through this, it's like an emotional roller coaster. I shouldn't feel the cause of the cheating to be my fault, we have his daughter full time and I take care of her like my own (he works out of town a lot), we have a very active and fulfilling sex life, I take care of our home there isn't any areas that he should want more...so I just don't understand...Just in the pit of my stomach I always feel like something shady is going on....Thanks again for listening to me...

[setnpretty]

Originally Posted by kelly8896

It’s hard to continue in a relationship when the trust you had is destroyed. I believe that it is not up to you to get over it, it is up to him to make you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship since he is the one that betrayed it. That will take time and effort. Yes, You have to be willing to forgive. So ask yourself, what can he do to make you feel secure and confident in your relationship going forward? Really be honest with yourself here and then express to him that you are doing your best to trust him and want the relationship to work, but you feel you need this (tell him specifically what you need) from him in order to feel secure and confident that the relationship is headed in a positive direction and so the trust can be rebuilt.

I’d say if he is willing to put forth the effort in giving you what you need to rebuild the trust, then give it a chance, but if his attitude is that you just need to get over it, then I expect your insecurities and trust issues won’t ever go away and you need to find someone else. Someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated, with respect, love and consideration and who is willing to put forth the same amount of effort into a relationship as you are.

Good luck. Remember to stand up for what you feel you deserve and except no less.

Thank you! I try to stand up for myself and then he twists and turns things around that makes me feel like I'm making no sense and it's all my fault because I'm bringing it up again. I've mentioned before that I feel like I am weaker than I ever thought I was. I trusted him by moving in with him with my 10 year old son, and it feels like he's taken advantage of my trust and good heart....He continually says I just need to get over it.....so I doubt that he is ever going to change...

[setnpretty]

Originally Posted by Puglife

The good news is you are not married to him. Now is the time to decide if you can fully forgive and move on. If you decide to stay with him then at some point you will have to trust him. But you have decide what your motives for staying with someone that cheated on you for six months are. For me, part of it would depend on his reasoning and how I found out. But he also needs to prove he is trustworthy. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Good luck.

Thank you! I love the quote you posted about nothing to hide, that is so true. Sometimes I wonder if I was put here because I needed to harden my heart...You are exactly right about not being married, I just need to become stronger and not allow him to play the mind games he does with me.

[setnpretty]

Originally Posted by RedDot

Forgiveness and trust are two entirely separate things. Forgiveness is given by your own grace, trust is earned through effort. It's not you, in this case, it's him. He has to earn your trust, and to do that he has to decide if he wants it. It sounds to me like he is being dismissive and only wants to make the effort.

That is very true, I can forgive people, I just can't live with constant questions in my heart. It is an awful emotional roller coaster to be on...

[setnpretty]

Originally Posted by DomesticCompanion

To Kelly8896: What you say about standing up for what you feel you deserve and accepting no less is good advice, in my opinion. I think maybe that is the bottom line.

Thank you! I am trying to do exactly that!