[ltlredvett]

I need some advice on how to handle a situation. Before I ask the question I need to provide you with some background information.

I have been divorced about five years now. During that time I have been treated for depression on and off. I have had two episodes of severe depression, the last one very recently. My depression first started after my divorce as it "sank in" that I wasn't living with my children whom I love dearly. I had a BRIEF rebound marriage to a woman that was only in it to take as much of my money as she could (and she got a LOT)

After my first divorce I began to seek out sex as a means to "self medicate" and escape the emotional struggles I was experiencing. After fulfilling these desires I would feel shame ang guilt which only made the depression worse. I stopped this activity when I married the second time.

At any rate after my second marriage and I finally met "the love of my life". She is the sweetest, kindest, warmest person you would ever want to meet. I was feeling so great that I decided to go off my antidepressants. Unfortunately my depression creeped back in and I did act out sexually during this period.

With my depression back in full swing my relationship with "the love of my life" deteriorated quickly as I was not in a position to give of myself. She was unaware of my "exploits". I felt so guilty for continuing this activity but I felt powerless to stop. Our relationship crumbled due to my depression.

Just after we decided to "take a break" from the relationship this woman discovered that I was writing posts on an adult internet forum. I freaked out that I was discovered. Further, I became more and more depressed as I missed this woman so much and only then realized how much she meant to me. I wound up spiralling into and endless pit of depression, getting worse and worse with each passing day.

I didn't get help until I had come close to committing suicide 2 or 3 times. One night I finally said "this is it" and I checked myself into the hospital. (Story is almost over...promise). At any rate after hospitalization, outpatient treatment and medication I am feeling more like myself that I have in years.
My little "exploits" have ceased and Ihave successfully replaced those behaviors with more positive ones.

Now that I am getting better with each passing day I still have so many regrets over what I have done. I let my depression take ahold of me and I did things that were so contrary to my underlying value system. I am managing the guilt and shame, holding my head high. But, I think about the woman that I lost each and every day. I love her so much and am so incredibly sorry for what I have done. We had the kind of relationship where you just knew we could be together for the rest of our lives. We could have had one of those relationships that was a model that others would comment about.

So......... I have been thinking about calling her. On the one hand I know that I caused her a LOT of pain and I should stay out of her life. It is probably better for both of us to put this behind us and move on with our lives. On the other hand, what if she is capable of truely forgiving me and misses me as much as I miss her? I would hate to miss the opportunity to get her back in my life if I could. I am fully prepared for her to say no, or to hang up on me. But, I am just not sure if contacting her is fair to her. I love her and do not want her to suffer any longer.

I could easily find another woman to date, or get to know, start new with someone. In fact, that would be so much easier as they would not be aware of my past and I could start off with a clean slate. However, I really have no desire to do that. All I can think about is this woman and how perfect she was for me. Even if it is harder, takes a great deal of time and effort, I would much rather be with her. And, if I can not have her in my life, I guess I would just as soon be alone.

So... to call or not to call, that is the question.

[rubyred]

I think you are going to have to contact her in some manner, or you will drive yourself nuts wondering what she might have said to you. The worse thing that can happen is she tells you in no uncertain terms that you should take a hike. But at least you will have tried.

Don't get too attached to the past though, as the past brings all that emotional turmoil right back into your life. Maybe you should just call and say hello, and then wrap it up. In other words, get your closure and move on.

Choices, it's all about choices.

[ltlredvett]

Thank you for your replies. Actually, I did send her a note, but I am not even sure if she read it. I suspect that she recognizes the hand writing and simply throws the note away.

You are probably correct in your advice to put the past behind me and move on. Sometimes it is just not that easy. Reminds me of a movie I saw once. I can't remember the name of the movie right now, but I can clearly remember the story. It is about a couple that were deeply in love. The couple separated and did not wind up together. One day when they were old and grey they rediscovered each other and their love was as strong as the day they parted. They were heppy to be together, but they wasted so much time not together. I feel that is going to happen to us if we don't get together again.

At any rate, I think I had better leave well enough alone and move on as you suggest. It will be a very long time, a very'very long time before I am even close to trying to establish another relationship I will tell you that. How can you even think of being in a relationship if your heart belongs to someone else?

[willoughby]

It was my friend that Ozzie made the comment on. And, Ozzie was of great support. I realize you weren't feeling well at the time and did things you normally wouldn't have done. But being the best friend of a person who had been cheated on. I see her pain and heartache. She is going through hell. Much like the hell you went through. I agree with all the posts. It might be better to let sleeping dogs lie. And people do learn from their past mistakes. Unfortuneatly for you this was a very tough life lesson. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you can learn to love another. You will be a better parnter because of your past. I'll say a prayer for you.

"you only have one chance to make a first impression"

[alm15]

Hi! My first thought about this, is that in my case when I do something that has been hurtful, I need to make amends. For me, amends is apologizing for what I've done and saying I was wrong. But the most important thing is that I do it without an alterior motive. As Ozzy said, if she wants to contact you after that that is her chioce. The other thing I have done is to write on the envelope, "An apology" where my address would go. That way they know it's not something else. Then I can let it go, knowing that I cleaned my side of the street and did all I could.
The other thing I thought was if you don't know why you cheated in the first place, you might want to figure that out. There might be something there that needs to be addressed. Good luck to you! Annie

[ltlredvett]

alm...

I am sorting out my own cheating in therapy. I cheated to "self medicate" to end my depression and emotional pain (and worry... had a lot of loose ends... taht I am tying up now).

At any rate I have to let go and to accept the fact that this is a tough life lesson. The toughest, you simply have no idea.