[MGMorden]

Hey guys. Just writing here because I feel I've exhausted all options and am just getting frustrated.

I'm a 33 year old single male. About 20 months ago my sister and her two daughters (now 6 and 4) were kicked out of her boyfriend/their father's home. He was physically abusive towards my sister and constantly cheated on her. I took them in to my house after that as I had the extra room.

As said, it's been around 20 months now, and my sister still hasn't gotten a job - or really put forth any serious effort into even looking for one. I don't charge her any rent or utilities, and she spends most of her child support check within a week or two leaving at least half the month where I'm buying whatever necessities her and the girls need. She also was convicted of a DUI 2 years ago and lost her license. She hasn't been financially able to get them back so I drive her everywhere she needs to go (as well as driving my older niece to school every morning).

That in and of itself, I don't mind, but the other side of the coin is that the house is filthy. I gave her the second bedroom in my house, and my nieces another to stay in. Both are now so cluttered with clothing, toys, and other junk that you cannot even see the floor. At any given time there are several dozen empty drinking glasses (and about as many empty soda cans) sitting around here room. The door to her bedroom will barely open wide enough for someone to fit through. The hallway bathroom has junk piled in the sink which literally hasn't been ran for months.

If I ask her - no matter how nicely, to clean up these rooms I basically get chewed and cursed out. Yesterday things kinda came to a head. She was supposed to get at least the girls room cleaned up over Christmas break. For the second half of the break the girls are gone to their dads and their toys they got for Christmas have to be able to go somewhere (right now they're all just piled up in my living room). She wasted away 2 of the 4 days they would be gone doing nothing. When I asked when she intended to start on the girls' room I was again chewed out, but she later said she'd do it today but she'd prefer to have the house to herself. I really didn't have anything I felt like doing, but as a courtesy I vacated the house and made myself scarce for around 7-8 hours. When I returned - she was on the iPad browsing Amazon and Facebook. The room was just as I left it. A heated argument ensued and she stomped out down the street.

To some degree I'm not sure what advice one can offer - maybe it's just a need for me to put my feelings down, but I'm feeling trapped right now. I cannot live like this in squalor for much longer. I come home from work and see my home and it kills me. I can barely get to sleep at night and its started to affect my mood and performance at work. At the same time, I love my nieces like they were my own children. When their dad kicked their mom out I made a promise to my older niece (who was quite upset over it) that "Uncle Bubba" would never make her leave, and I don't have the heart to do that.

Right now I can honestly say that if it was just my sister, I'd have already asked her to go. With my nieces though they are just innocent children, but if I kick her out she really has no where to go, and they naturally get dragged along with her. I just feel trapped.

Anyways, thanks for listening.

I feel for you , you would think your sis would be grateful for you , for taking her and her daughters in .
Was your sister alway like that messy ?

I think you need to make some ground rules because she is not respecting you or your home and that is not cool .

I would have her pay rent so your not left paying for everything your sister needs to learn how to take responsibility . And maybe she dose not know how and you need to show her , because right now she is making you do all the work and you will get burned out .

[Angelique67]

It sounds like your sister is developing hoarding tendencies, in which case it would be very hard for her to clear out the mess because it makes sort of a safe cocoon for her that she feels bad things can't get to her through it.

She may need the help of a good professional organizer if she is a hoarder. Good luck, you shouldn't have to be in this situation.

I'd tell her the children are welcome to stay but that she's got to go.

Let her know if she tries to take the children with her you will report her to Child Services.

Or, you can let her continue to use, disrespect & abuse you, your home & her children.

The choice, albeit a difficult one, is yours and yours alone.

Someone's gotta be the responsible adult here, and your sister obviously isn't that someone!

[guilloche]

Oh wow... I'm so sorry. What a rotten situation, especially given that you were being generous and kind by taking in your sister and her kids.

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. I'm a little confused about how the father gets visitation with the kids, when he was abusive towards their mom, is that normal?

Frankly, what really makes me mad on your behalf, is that she's screaming and cussing at you, when you ask her to clean up. You're being generous and doing her a favor by giving her a place to stay - the LAST thing she should be doing is disrespecting you like that. I think, if I were in your place, I'd want to address that first. That's not ok. (I'm assuming you're discussing the cleaning in a fairly rational way, that you're not starting out yelling and screaming at her...)

She really seems like she needs some sort of counseling or coaching, but it's my experience that when people don't see the need for that kind of help, they don't get anything out of it. They have to want to improve their lives first, but it sounds like your sister isn't at a point where she actually wants to change. I just don't know what you can do in those circumstances, other than kick her out (since you're essentially "enabling" her, as much as I hate to say it, since she doesn't have to get a job as long as you're taking care of everything for her.)

Are your parents around? Could she move in with them?

I guess (sorry, I'm a little unfocused here!) that in your place, I'd figure out what my priorities are... i.e. it might look something like this:

- Protect my neices
- Not be yelled at/cursed at
- Keep house clean
- Stop financially supporting sister
- Sister gets job and contributes to house bills

Something like that, to help get clear on what needs to happen. Then, I'd go to my sister (preferably when the kids aren't home, since she might throw a fit) and say that I want to help her, but the current arrangement is not working, and that we need to agree on some rules. I'd talk to her about the areas outlined above, and try to mutually agree on some very concrete rules (things that will be clear and easy to see when they're not followed).

I'd tell her that if she can't follow those rules, she'll need to move out. I know that's hard with the kids involved, but this gives her fair warning and a voice in negotiating the rules. Ugh, I'm sorry, it really is a rotten situation... and you're right that those poor kids shouldn't suffer and possibly be out on the street because of their mother... I'm not sure what else you can do though, unless you think she's unfit enough to get a lawyer and try to have her rights terminated (and adopt them yourself), which might be more traumatic on them, and hard on you too...

Good luck...

[~Christina]

20 months is a very very long time to allow this to go on....

Sometimes tough love is needed.

You need to have a sit down face to face discussion with her and start it out with a "we are going to be grown ups and there will be no yelling cursing and no nonsense"
( prior to this make a list of the things that HAVE to be changed no matter what)

There is no reason that after 20 months she has been unable to get even a part time job, might not be something she likes but hey asking " do you want fries with that" is at least something.

Explain that you will no longer allow your home to be jam packed with so much stuff. It will and has to be cleaned up by X date.

I would explain to her and how her money is being spent and that is she is unable budget her money to last the month that you will sit down and explain to her. and even offer to take her money and keep it safe and allow her X amount each week. If she resists, make it clear in simple clear english that things are going to change, You wont let the children go hungry but you will limit the amount of food she can eat. Sounds severe I know, But she needs a wake up call.

I would make it very clear her cursing and tantrums are going to stop right here and now.

I would give all this a deadline 1 month 2 months? and you will have to follow through or X is going to happen, IE Child protective services will be called. ( Yep super hard for you to do , but really do you want more and more months or years of doing pretty much anything for her??

She will mostly likely explode about all of this, So what, Tomorrow sit her down and go back over the list, and do so until she finally relents and starts helping HERSELF or the time limit has come and gone and you can call dcf and offer to keep the children but that she must leave the home.

If you don't put your foot down and force change well then your just enabling her to continue this abuse of your kindness.

Take back your home, But you need to really stick to your time limits on her completing the tasks.

If shes not working there is no reason for her to not have the rooms clean. Can you disable your internet while your not home? Change the password? No internet shes going to have time to get off her backside and do something. If she still refuses , I would get some large black trash bags and calmly tell her she can have the rooms cleaned by tomorrow or you will do it yourself and throw out anything you see fit to do and actually start doing it.

Time to just take control, all the way. No matter how its going to hurt.

I hope that thinks improve and you can have your own life back

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