[kmsmith111]

I was hoping someone could tell me how to handle a particular situation and get some opinions on whether I’m wrong or not. The setup is pretty long, but if you could hang in there I’d appreciate it!

I’m supposed to be going on a trip to Disney World with 2 friends at the end of February. I have terminal colon cancer, and this may be the last trip I’ll ever take, although I’m sure it’ll definitely be the last one I’ll ever take with them. It was supposed to be a fun thing that I’d hoped would bring us closer together, but we’re already butting heads about a number of issues, and this could end up threatening our friendship.

I saw an ad for cheap flights to Orlando, which is what started the whole thing. I couldn’t get in touch with my one friend (my best friend - I’ll call her Denise) before the offer ran out, so I made the decision to buy her a ticket, later telling her that I’d pay for her flight. She said she couldn’t come up with enough money for the rest of the trip, though (park tickets, hotel, etc), so I told her that I’d pay for everything except food b/c I really wanted her to go. I don’t make a lot of money, but I figured I could sell my keyboard for about $300, and that would take care of her park tickets. However, it turned out the keyboard doesn’t work anymore (long story on why I didn’t know it didn’t work), and now I’m in a financial bind. So I’ve been arranging everything and making payments when I can, denying myself heat in my apartment and even skipping certain doctor’s appointments b/c of high copays.

In one of the updates I sent my friends I asked if they could allow me to have my own bed since I’m paying for the hotel myself. My other friend agreed immediately (I'll call her Sue), but Denise was very against this and said that we should just alternate partners each night, so this way we could each have one night with a bed to ourselves. Apparently she feels that I shouldn’t be asking for anything special just b/c I’m paying, that if I want to take her it should be out of the goodness of my heart and I shouldn’t expect anything in return (she didn’t exactly say any of that; I’m just paraphrasing what I think she means). But I didn’t WANT to pay for her, I just wanted her to go, and the only way to enable her to go was to pay for her. So it wasn’t like a gift or anything; in fact, I’ve been hinting that I’d like her to try to kick in some money sicne it’s so difficult for me to pay for it, but she hasn’t offered anything as of yet.

Another issue I’m upset about is restaurants. I had said that out of fairness we should each get to pick a restaurant we want, and we could decide together on the fourth one. Denise didn’t like this idea and said that we should decide on all four restaurants together – which really turned out to mean that Denise got to pick out all four restaurants. She is very, very picky, and will only eat two things at table-service restaurants – chicken parm and steak. So we had to limit our choices to only those restaurants that serve these two menu items. Actually, some of the restaurants I wanted to go to had steak, but they came with fancy sauces and sides that she didn’t like, so these were nixed. I wound up agreeing to some pretty crappy choices just so we could go ahead and make the dining reservations – otherwise we might never have decided (or more accurately, Denise would never have agreed to anything). Sue barely had any input in the restaurant choices and is not happy either, although she’s pretty picky as well (but not nearly to the degree of Denise, and is at least willing to be somewhat open to trying new things).

So I feel like I’m getting pretty screwed in all this, and I’m the one paying almost $1600 for this trip! Sue is putting out almost $600, and Denise is only paying a little over $200, and she’s the one who’s putting up the biggest stink. I’d love to be forthcoming and have it out with her before the trip, but the problem is we’re both pretty non-confrontational and usually don’t have big arguments – and I tend to avoid them with her anyway b/c she’s not the most rational person to try to argue with and is very black-and-white in how she sees things.

I don’t know what to do – should I just accept it and be happy that they’re coming with me at all, or should I start something? It’s truly blowing my mind that Denise is so comfortable with me paying for her that she could act the way she is and make so many demands! I keep wondering what she'd do if the situation were reversed - if she was the one paying and I was putting all these restrictions on her. Honestly, I’m at the point in which I’m thinking of canceling the whole thing. Am I wrong????

I would tell her to get stuffed and take another more accommodating friend along.

[cryingontheinside]

Hello kmsmi,
You are absolutely 1000% right. This denise sounds really horrible, controlling and someone who expects something for nothing.
Is it possible you could give her ticket to someone more worthy?
I really do not like the sound of this denise. Of course you should have your own bed. You are the one who is very ill, you should have it no questions asked. I bet denise is not going without heat and making all the sacrafices you are.
She is absilutely ruining the holiday. I would un invite her, give her ticket to someone else and ask them if they can pay half of what you paid for their share so that you could have heat and whatever else you need.
I feel so sorry for you. It sounds like you have one good friend and one selfish free loader of a friend.
I am so upset and angry on your behalf.
I hope you end up having a great holiday but best to uninvite her or she will riun something that is supposed to be really special

Here is the big question who's idea was it to go on this trip ?
I don't understand if you and Denise don't really have money to spend then why are you going ?
Can't you all do something less expencive and spend time together ?
Your not even going to the doctors but your going on vacation ?

"denying myself heat in my apartment and even skipping certain doctor’s appointments b/c of high copays. "

Do they know this ?

This Denise wants a free ride but call all the shots

[iwishicould]

Hi kmsmith111,
yep have to agree with the above posters,find another friend to go.I think she will just ruin your holiday.
You are not selfish,Denise is the selfish one.
Good luck with it all.

[cryingontheinside]

Kmssith, i totally understand why you wanted this holiday but it wasnt your intention to pay for denise. If it had just been your share you would have had money to take care of heating and very important doctors appointments.
At this point i would condider a family member or someone you knoe who id fun but condiderate and would be prapared to pay for at least part of the expenses laid out. I wouldnt be suprised if denise expects you to pau her food, drink, taxis as well. Please keep us updated and i would remind denise that you are unwell and point out the sacrafises you have made. They do say in difficult situations you find out who your true friends are. I think you have found out that denise is not. I think you need to be blunt with her and let her know she is not being a good friend.
I wish you a wonderful holiday

[coffee_lover_91]

Is this Denise person aware that you are making sacrifices so that you can accommodate her in this trip? Even if you are not comfortable telling her exactly what you had to do in order to come up with the money, the fact is that she can't appreciate what you are doing if she doesn't know. Now, please know that i am NOT by any means defending her. I think at this point in the thread we have all unanimously agreed that she is acting like a real big jerk--selfish, picky, cranky, ungrateful. I know if a good friend of mind was paying for a trip for me, whether ill or not, that i would make the effort to be less picky, and more open to what they want to do (tbh i think we all would)

Being a non-confrontational person myself, i know i would feel uncomfortable telling someone i had gone without heat in my apartment, or uninviting them so its understandable if you feel uncomfortable doing either of those things. im not likely to tell anyone to stuff it either, no matter how much i know they deserve to hear it.

However, i do think it would be prudent, and good for both of you to candidly tell her that you are in a bit of a bind by bringing her and paying for her portion, and that you are because you care about her or something along those lines. let her know that it is no small thing for you. if she really cannot find it within herself to be less picky or something, then tell her gently that it might be better to bring someone else. i dont think its right for you to pay for someone to on a trip that becomes all about what she wants and nothing about what you want. There is no reason that you should feel wrong for wanting to have a say in what restaurant to eat at for example. You are not being selfish. she is.

Actually here is a thought, if it's under 100 bucks to change the ticket name, I will pay it

[baseline]

Wow she is definitely high maintenance! You sound like a very generous and kind person. Disney should be light and fun for you. It stinks your friend is being so selfish. If you really want her with you though you will probably be playing by her rules by the sound of it. I think you should make it clear that you expect to be compensated at some point then if she has a problem maybe you should leave her behind or take someone more deserving. Is your friend aware of how stressful she is making your life? If so maybe she is not really the person you should be spending your last trip with. You deserve way better!!! Good luck be brave and have fun in Disney!!

[ChipperMonkey]

Kick denise to the curb. She is an ungrateful biotch. Free trip and still insists on having full control. SMH. The restaurant issue isn't an allergy issue, its a preference issue, so a total PITA. (I have allergy issues, and so I prefer certain issues, but I can find something almost everywhere with the exception of Mexican Restaurants. I have a feeling the trip will be miserable b/c the whole time you'll be sitting there thinking "we are doing this b/c of HER, not because I want to do it!" I don't think you or Sue will have a good time. I know you're non confrontational, but no sense in forking out even more money just because you don't want to make waves. I think at that point you'd be more of a doormat.

[kmsmith111]

Thanks everyone! Wow, I wasn't expecting quite that much animosity towards Denise. I can't actually take anyone else b/c the Disney tickets are non-transferable, and it would cost a lot to transfer the flight tickets. But I really do want to go with her - she's not usually this much of a PIA, and she can be so much fun. I've known her since my freshman year in high school (28 years ago); she's like a sister to me and I love her to death. I just wish I could get her to see things differently. I also really don't have anyone else to take - have lost any other friends I had over the years (have had a social anxiety issue and don't make friends easily), so there really is no one else, at least no one else I'd feel comfortable with.

Someone had mentioned why am I going when I don't have the money to go to doctor's appts, but it's only certain doctors - I do go to the oncologist, my therapist, my primary, etc. I'm only skipping my ophthalmologist and podiatrist (although these are important since I'm diabetic), but they should be able to wait until I get back from the trip. I had fantasized about going on this trip with her, thought it would be a lot of fun, but I just wasn't expecting all this drama. I think Denise does have an idea of the financial difficulties, b/c I wouldn't turn on the heat when she and her boyfriend came over to my apartment. I do think she thinks of this as a gift, though, and that's what I'm having trouble conveying to her - that I really do want her to pay at least some of it if she can.

[healingme4me]

Can your other friend split a bit on the costs that you'd taken on for Denise?

[hvert]

Have you flat out told Denise that you really can't afford to pay for her on your own? It's nice that you want to take her, but you made the offer with the assumption that you would have more money and that she would pay a larger share.

Denise should sleep on a cot, not in a bed. If I were the other friend, I wouldn't want to share a bed every night just because Denise didn't pay her own way when I did. I'm sorry, she really does sound horrible. If this is out of character for her, maybe you could gently bring this up. I can't imagine being someone's guest on a trip like that and dictating all of these things.

Can you cancel the whole trip and just rebook solo or with the other friend? If you call up Disney and explain about how you think it might be your last trip because of your cancer, maybe they will give you a pass.

I went to Disney alone. It was great. I never had to wait in line because they always had room for a single person and I was the only one

[kmsmith111]

Wow, wasn't expecting this much animosity towards Denise! I do feel bad in one way b/c she is my best friend - have known her for 28 years and is like a sister to me; I love her to death. She's not usually THIS bad, although she does tend to see things a certain way and there's no changing her mind, and unfortunately she can be very selfish at times. I really do want her to go, but you guys are right - I know I'll end up playing by her rules and will probably be seething the whole time. I just wish i could go with my fantasy, non-selfish version of her. Haha, thanks K12PCB! But actually the Disney tickets are non-transferable,and it would cost a pretty lot to transfer the flight as well.

Also, I did want to clarify that the doctors' appointments I'm missing aren't critical ones, just the opthalmologist and podiatrist, which, while they are important since I'm diabetic, can wait until after the trip.

But anyway, thanks for all the responses - at least now I know I'm not in the wrong and feel better!

[kmsmith111]

@ Healingmeforme, no - my other friend really doesn't have the money either... she's getting a lot of help from her parents in order to go on this trip (she has a lot of medical issues as well and can't work) - none of us should really be going on this trip b/c none of us can really afford it, but it's something I REALLY want, and I do want all 3 of us to go - it would be very, very weird if Denise didn't go with us. I don't know, I guess it will end up with Denise calling all the shots, and I guess I should just accept that since I'm not willing to do anything about it. I'll try to quash my resentment and just enjoy the trip.

[hvert]

That sounds like a good plan -- you will have fun on your trip either way

[kmsmith111]

I had to post an update, b/c I feel really, really bad now - Denise told me she's going to pay for herself (park tickets, dining plan, and most of the flight - I'm still paying for the hotel), and said she's planning to give me about $500, maybe more. I feel bad and don't want to accept that much, but I'll gladly take some of it since it's tough going trying to pay for this trip1 However, now I wish I'd never posted this.

Anyway, I just wanted anyone who happens to read this post to know that she turned out ot do the right thing.

Glad it worked out. Go have fun

[~Christina]

Glad she is able to pitch in , Go have the time of your life !