[Jocelyn123]

My boyfriend displays the classic symptoms for NPD. He's not diagnosed with anything aside from ADHD, but I'm pretty sure he would qualify. Since I moved in three months ago, things have gone from great to really bad. Lately I feel like he's becoming verbally abusive making small comments here and there about how I could never compete with a 22 year old (I'm 30 and we got together when I was 25), telling me that while I'm objectively beautiful, and he loves me, he doesn't find me attractive. He makes me feel like he's doing me a favor by being with me. He recently said that sex with me was unfulfilling and that he might as well just "get a hand-job from a hooker." He refuses to work on our issues, only vacillates on the negatives (mostly me and how he isn't attracted to me - I should mention that the entire first year of our relationship was incredible sexual and passionate - he now claims that he never felt attracted to me and he thinks there is something wrong with him because of it - VERY confusing.)

My self-esteem has hit an incredible low and I no longer want to see or talk to friends and family, because I am so down and feeling such shame that I don't want anyone to know.

When we have a good time together, it's really great. I have, at times, felt so lucky to have the love I have, but the bad times are escalating and I feel trapped. My resentment towards him is mounting and I'm angry and sad a lot. I feel at a loss.

[~Christina]

I'm sorry that you are in such a terrible situation Whether he has NPD or not isn't really the issue. The issue is he is emotionally abusive.

I doubt there is any reason to even advise couples therapy as he seems beyond reason. I do advise you to find a Therapist for yourself to help you process what you have been going through and helping build your self esteem back up as its taken a hell of a beating.

Are you able to plan a way to leave the relationship.? Can you move and live on your own? Or maybe find a roommate situation or is there friends or family you could stay with while finding your own place.

Welcome to PC

[Shadix]

Not sure if it's NPD, but his comments are definitely abusive and unacceptable. I would say it's not healthy for you to be in that relationship unless he realizes he has a problem and decides to fix it.

Personally, I could never be happy with a woman who found me unattractive or consistently found other guys more attractive than me.

[hvert]

Whatever his problem is, I hope you can start to make an escape plan to get out of this relationship. His comments are extremely hurtful and mean. You can do much better than dating someone who treats you that way. Even though you don't want to be around friends and family right now, it's really important that you keep up those connections.

[Trippin2.0]

You.Deserve.Better!!!!!

End of story.

[Jocelyn123]

We are meant to be getting married soon, and my life is incredibly intertwined with his. Not to say I couldn't leave but it would mean leaving the life I've built for the past ten years. It's complicated, which adds a stress for us both, I'm sure. I don't know where I would go / what I would do. There are definitely some dependency issues on my end. I truly believe he doesn't want to or mean to hurt me. We talked about it again this morning and he apologized, but I don't know. The cycle has been brutal.

Thank you all for your feedback and support. I can't tell you how much it means.

[Trippin2.0]

For 5 years, 5 whole years you had what you thought a good, healthy relationship.

3 months into living together, and things went downhill at full speed.

You said it yourself, "great to really bad"......

Now I don't know what you've built for the 5 years before the relationship (as you mention 10 in the post above but mention being together since age 25) but I ask you this;

Is it worth going down this rabbit (wormhole)hole that moving in together has opened up?

Also, dependency issues are a right b1tch, I get it, but what price are you willing to pay for your comfort zone?

You're already paying in self-esteem, insecurity, doubt, pain, sadness...
All of this in just 3 months, soon self-respect, trust and dignity will follow, so at which point will you decide the cost is too high?

Have you set a limit, do you have a limit?

No, please don't think you have to answer on this thread, just something for you to think about.

PS. This is why even though I come from a staunch Christian background, I am definitely for moving in together first. You never quite know someone until you live with them. At least this way, people know exactly what they're signing up for, and if they sign up regardless....

[Open Eyes]

Please do "not" blame yourself for this in any way. IMHO, what he is actually saying to you is that he is having self esteem issues with you and would rather find someone younger that he can feel "more than" or "superior" with. The way this relationship began to tumbul when you moved in together means, he really is not ready to actually "be" grown up and more committed. You know, that is not going to change with a walk down the isle and if you think you are stuck now, if you have children and tie the knot, you will be so much worse off.

[Trippin2.0]

I would just like to echo the stuck message above...


You have absolutely no clue the level of stuck children and wedding rings can lead to.


If you're already feeling stuck now, I would seriously advise putting the breaks on the whole marriage thing. You don't have to call it off, marry him if you really want to and believe he's the best choice for you. But do it when you feel you actually want to, and not because you mistakenly believe you're trapped.

[Fuzzybear]

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jocelyn123

We are meant to be getting married soon, and my life is incredibly intertwined with his. Not to say I couldn't leave but it would mean leaving the life I've built for the past ten years. It's complicated, which adds a stress for us both, I'm sure. I don't know where I would go / what I would do. There are definitely some dependency issues on my end. I truly believe he doesn't want to or mean to hurt me. We talked about it again this morning and he apologized, but I don't know. The cycle has been brutal.

Thank you all for your feedback and support. I can't tell you how much it means.

I personally think your original post is showing what your feeling and dealing with on a daily basis, which is him being emotionally abusive.

Your response? Well , it comes across as a typical abuse victim, Your making excuses for his behavior, and reasons that disconnecting your life would be difficult, etc.

~~~~~~> The cycle has been brutal. <~~~~~~ This ! you typed.. Are you willing to deal with "cycles" like this ?

It is very common for the abused to make allowances and excuses for the abuser.

Why marry if hes telling you that you do not fulfill his needs sexually and hand jobs are more appealing?

Why marry if he doesn't find you attractive?

I do hope that before you continue with this relationship that you seek Therapy to help you sort through your emotions and thoughts about how a loving relationship that has mutual respect should be.. Respect is no where to be found in your relationship at this time. Re read your original post a few times.