[seeker1950]

Hi, all,
I posted here several months ago about hearing from the old college boyfriend who had looked me up thru our alumni assoc. I've been hearing from him thru snail mail letters since last early fall, during which time he had a serious accident and almost died. His sister called me after this telling me of his accident. I have called him several times to learn of his healing progress, and we have had several pleasant, friendly conversations, but something about our communication leaves much to be desired. I think he is very self-centered, or defensive.
He has been single all these years, except for a short marriage in his 20's. He's age 60 now. I'm 56. During our youth, although we talked of marriage, I rather quickly became distracted afer he graduated, and found myself attracted to other fellas, at which he would return to campus, following me around crying openly.
Am I kidding myself that there could be any kind of emotional connection with this fella? He lives on the beach in CA, and I am in WV. He just got email and told me he is and has been alone for a very long time. Also, that he hopes to visit here this summer. The question I've been asking myself regarding our communication is: "Am I so desperate that I am willing to accept so little?" I mean nothing from him in a warm affectionate communication, and so I remind myself to invest nothing in this.
I haven't dated for three years now after the debacle that brought me here to this site.
Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Patty

[January]

((((((((( Patty ))))))))))

I would so much rather be alone than with the wrong person. If you're stuck in a bad relationship, you aren't free when thte right person does come along.

I thought I would literally die from loneliness when I realized I had to live by myself, but I'm better for it. Take your time. You don't have to settle for anything. You deserve only the best, my friend.

Hugs,

Jan

[seeker1950]

Thanks, January, friend!
Yes, there is this thing we learn about "listening to our inner voice." I know mine is talking ot me.
Patty

girl..........do i have to come to WV and shake you good??????? you're much more deserving of a good guy than you believe you are.......you don't want to be someone's cheerleader.......or listen to long boring stories about him.....ugh!!! xoxoxo pat

[Wants2Fly]

What January said. What Pat said. I am 58. I have spent large portions of my life alone, and I have been alone for the past 4 years after a 15-year relationship ended. It gets lonely. Your post does not make it sound like this man is right for you.

[seeker1950]

Y'all are right, I know...
I just got home from a gallery opening (required to attend for my college class), and it was good for me to get out! I've been so reclusive, that I guess I thought, knowing this person from my past, that it would turn into a satisfying communication. It hasn't (sigh). For example, I sent him several pics of myself, my surroundings, and the art I've created for my weaving grad classes....No acknowledgment on any of them...nada! and this over several months of communication.
I DO know how to communicate, as many of you do here also, and when corresponding with a friend, I always acknowledge what they've shared....
Anyway, I haven't invested in this contact, other than writing a few letters, all the while surveying it with discernment ( a skill learned late in life!).
Thanks all of you.
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

Well, Patty, I'm not sure that discernment can be learned early in life, now that you use the word. A spiritual mentor (well up in years!) started using the word to describe the decision-making I started making in my 40s. When I look at my college students -- they are worldly wise beyond their wise and astonishingly naive. No discernment there.

Perhaps we should pat ourselves on the back for, at long, getting this discernment "thing." We sure paid for it in experience!

[seeker1950]

Wants...Yes...that ability to discern only came to me also in my 40's, and is growing as I age. (One of the FEW blessings of age, I guess!) Like you, I have learned by mistakes and suffering (no understatement), but unlike my friend in CA, I am not crawling in a hole to die! That seems to be his mentality, all the while focused on himself.
I told myself this evening while driving back from the gallery event...Hey, that's not my problem! And as Pat so wisely said...not my job to be his "cheerleader!"
I want to comment on your posting about your students' evaluations of you in the thread about accepting criticism. I'm going there now.
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

Sorry about all my typos in the previous post. I guess you picked out the meaning.

[seeker1950]

Lately, the term "Narcissist" has come to mind many times in communicating with this fella. Having some unfortunate experience since my divorce with a textbook Narcissist (more than one, actually, ashamedly, I admit), I am fairly aware when their behaviors are displayed. Today, I looked up "Aging Narcissist" on the Internet. Just as this fella has described himself for several years now, he is alone, without friends, reclusive, the textbook prognosis for the N is exactly this.
This brings to mind my early, immature contact with him, when, after he graduated from college, would send me reams of long letters, several a day, all about himself, and I finally stopped reading them. I felt guilty for years, literally!, for placing all those letters in a huge (4 foot tall box!) in the attic of my college dorm and leaving them there for eternity (I often wonder if they're still there!).
So...this is validating to me, after all these years of feeling like I hurt someone badly, to realize my instincts, even as a young woman, were correct.
I have deleted his emails, the last one rec'd this morning, saying he enjoyed the "communciation," though it was again all about himself, acknowledging nothing I had said.
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

I'm glad you realized this. It must be a relief.

[seeker1950]

I'm actually more dismayed than relieved. This role of "cheerleader" (as Pat has labeled it accuratly) has been my profile in many relationships, getting me nothing but grief!
LMO responded to someone, I can't remember who it was, about letting someone earn your trust and commitment, and, I have to admit, I've never done that...always diving in to give, give, give and regretting it!
The presence here on PC has been beneficial for many reasons, but in this present situation, primarily so, for keeping me conscious and aware of my weaknesses and foibles in the past.
Patty