[arnie91]

Ten days from now me and my boyfriend will have been together a year. Ive known him for almost four. I'm so very frustrated and upset today. It is my birthday today and I told him at the beginning of December to keep today free I want to have a movie night. Well over the past two days I've been trying to finalize our plans. I text him : "Can you be here for five?". No response. I ask if he's still coming. he says ya i should be. followed up with a text from me again asking if five o'clock works.... NO response. Text him today. What time should I expect you? No response. Can you be here for five. His response was that he doubts it because he has errands to run. What time can you be here. NO RESPONSE! I never ask for anything in our relationship. I just wanted to spend my birthday with him and he is making it incredibly difficult. He suffers from depression so I let a lot of things go.... but shouldn't he still try to care? Like he does this kind of **** all the time. He hardly ever proves to me that he cares and I feel like I am always showing him how I care. Like, seriously, on my birthday, you couldn't get time off? Your going to show up late at night watch one movie maybe and go home? I'm just feeling like crap today now... What do you guys think? To me it feels like he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. Could it be just his depression though?

[sideblinded]

Hi arnie91

I would talk to him about the way you feel. Also remember that it is the holidays and some people's depression worsens. He may just be severely depressed and may be just trying to keep himself together. I would try to let him know how you are feeling but if his depression is bad, you might need to get him some help and maybe both of you talk with a therapist.

Best wishes!

[shezbut]

((((arnie1))))

Happy Birthday

Yes, this time of year is especially difficult for many people. Are you sure that your bf knows that today is your birthday? Or, is it possible that he thinks that today is just another day? If he may not know (or remember) that today is your birthday, than it's just another day in his mind, which does explain how he could be non-commital about coming over.

If you are sure that your bf knows that today is your birthday, then I would recommend talking with your bf about how you are feeling when you see him. Remember to use the "I feel ___ " language, rather than accusatory, of course.

Very best wishes to you. Hope that you're able to get things worked through in a gentle, but healthy manner for both of you, soon!

[Fuzzybear]

[toolman65]

so, you have known him for 4 years and have been a couple for almost a year, correct?

Has he always been this way or has it slowly gotten worse?

Has he been diagnosed by a doctor as having depression ?

What is he doing anything about his depression? Therapy? Meds? Exercise?

"he suffers from depression so i let a lot of things go..." Are you sure you aren't telling yourself that as a way to rationalize his behavior? Making the depression a scapegoat for his actions?

Furthermore, by blaming everything on the depression, you may be giving him tacit approval ( a free pass ) to keep doing things that hurt you.

If someone repeatedly does not respond to your texts and would rather run errands than be with you , well, that looks more like avoidance than depression to me.

Whatever is going on between you two, you are obviously hurting and i hope it stops soon.

[arnie91]

Originally Posted by toolman65

"he suffers from depression so i let a lot of things go..." Are you sure you aren't telling yourself that as a way to rationalize his behavior? Making the depression a scapegoat for his actions?

Furthermore, by blaming everything on the depression, you may be giving him tacit approval ( a free pass ) to keep doing things that hurt you.

See I do think I do that sometimes. But anytime I feel frustrated with his behaviour I feel like I'm a bad person for not being sensitive to his situation. I get myself worked up over it all and end up giving up on what's bugging me and pin it to his depression. He did end up coming over last night. He was just difficult about it. And it was a really good night together, but again today he's distant. He is on medications atm and has been exercising, but he has told me he is at a low point right now. I'm just struggling to understand and don't always know how I should be responding.

[toolman65]

I'm glad to here that he is at least taking meds and exercising. You obviously care about him and that is a huge plus for someone fighting this illness. Sadly, when you are severely depressed, as i have been, you become oblivious to all the good things around you. You shut out people, not because you don't love them, but because you simply don't have the energy to keep up with them.

I hope things get better for both of you. In the mean time , you have to look after yourself too. See if you can find some help locally. Be careful not to let his illness swallow you up. Is exercising together a possibility?

stay strong arnie91

[arnie91]

First off, thank you for all your advice! He will be moving closer to me in a few months so hopefully exercising together could be an option, and I think it would be something he'd be up for I'm hoping when he does move closer to me it will help make us closer as a couple. Thanks everyone!