[marjan]

My boyfriend and I are fighting too much. Last night was getting really bad. Very bad. and the next day, I'm depressed and sad and I can't work or do anything.
I hate this situation.

We've been together for almost two years. He basically lives with me without paying a penny. He has two kids and lives with his mom when he has his kids.
He's 45 and I'm 41.

I really want to have kids and my time goes by quickly waiting for him.
I feel he's the only and last man that I can have child from.
But at the same time, he has tremendous of issues and problems. Credit problem, kids problems, riding an old car, not having a proper home for himself and his kids.

In the other hand, I own my house and I have a good job and I have no debt except my mortgage!

He has a good job, and make good money, but I don't think he's capable to make right decisions.

I'm so afraid of breaking up with him and ended up alone!

what should I do to change this situation?

Thanks
M

Hello marjan: Personally I would have to say that this guy sounds like BIG trouble. There's a saying: "If you want to see which way the bullet is going, look down the barrel of the gun." Just re-read what you wrote here about him & you can see your future if you stay with him. You can't change him. And on top of that I would be concerned that a guy like this could turn out to be physically abusive as well.

If you want to have kids so badly have you considered adoption, or perhaps in-vitro fertilization? Of course, in either of these cases you'd be a single parent. But, with the man you describe, I'm afraid you'd end up being one anyway. Plus you'd have all of the problems he himself would create for you. I'm sorry to be so negative about this. I hope I'm wrong. But, from what I read in your post, I don't see much to be positive about with regard to this man. My best wishes to you.

[marjan]

He is emotionally abusing me!

I know what you say. And most people tell me the same. I found myself very weak to let him go.

I'm questioning his poor decisions. All his decisions are so temporary and not good for long run. Then later on, he's stuck with the poor decision.

For example, his wife cheated on him and after a year trying, he decided one day to just leave! He said it took him just few hours to make the decision and leave without telling her!!!! Then he started dating different girls and taking them to hotels to sleep with them. He's so proud of himself for such a thing and he keeps telling me. In mean while, he couldn't afford to pay his bills while he was paying for the hotels and trips and enjoying himself! He's credit ruined big time. I saw his credit report and for more than 6 month he didn't pay even minimum payments on his cards. He had many credit cards.

Now he's coming back on track. Just since he's been dating me and I'm forcing him to be responsible.

However, every few days, he comes up with another big expenses like overseas trips with his kids or shopping expensive clothes. And we will have so much fight over that. He promised me to save money to buy a home together.

I'm even afraid to buy a house with him.

The other thing is his kids. They are 9 and 7! Very undisciplined kids. They are doing poor at school and they don't have proper manners! Poor kids, it's all because they are living in different households.

I feel so depressed for wasting around two years for him and now I think if I break up with him, I won't be able to find a decent relationship for another six month or so!

I have very little friends and I'm terrified! I moved to California for a better climate but barely were able to make friends here.

I'm getting so negative and pessimistic and I hate this stage. Also, I feel I'm so depressed. I don't see a progress with him and I get so *****y and fight and argue and nag which are not good.

I need help.

Thanks

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello marjan: Personally I would have to say that this guy sounds like BIG trouble. There's a saying: "If you want to see which way the bullet is going, look down the barrel of the gun." Just re-read what you wrote here about him & you can see your future if you stay with him. You can't change him. And on top of that I would be concerned that a guy like this could turn out to be physically abusive as well.

If you want to have kids so badly have you considered adoption, or perhaps in-vitro fertilization? Of course, in either of these cases you'd be a single parent. But, with the man you describe, I'm afraid you'd end up being one anyway. Plus you'd have all of the problems he himself would create for you. I'm sorry to be so negative about this. I hope I'm wrong. But, from what I read in your post, I don't see much to be positive about with regard to this man. My best wishes to you.

[Bill3]

I'm even afraid to buy a house with him.

I would be terrified to buy a house with him.

The more time you waste on him, the older you will be--and no closer to your goals.

I'm sorry that the relationship has worked out the way it has.

You know in your gut what you need to do , and non of us can make you do it .
You have to find the strength to let him go ..

He is toxic and as long as your with mr. wrong you will never find mr. right

[Puglife]

Life is too short. You are doing well for yourself. Don't let him drag you down. You are going to be his mother, not his partner. He does not sound like someone you should have a child with and have to deal with for the rest of your life. Let him go and deal with the consequences of his decisions. Women have children in their forties or there are other options. Anything has to be better than him.

Good luck!

[~Christina]

You want a child ? well you have one "him"

I say cut your losses and more on. Lots of great men out there, Don't settle

It seems like perhaps this would be a good situation to see a counselor or therapist about... not so much to delve into your past, etc. but more to help you sort this whole situation out & decide what to do. It sounds like there's more to this than just the issue of this man's lifestyle (although that's certainly a biggie!) A women's support group might also be beneficial if you could locate one. Since you apparently live in or near L.A., there must be resources available.

[marjan]

It's so hard for me to break up. I know it is better to do it sooner than later.

Last night, again we had argue on the phone. We talk about vacations and holidays and he makes it so ugly. He uses his kids to make me feel guilty.

I was telling him that days that we took off and we don't have his kids, we can do something together. But he wants to spend that day with his friends playing golf.
Then he got mad at me telling me all sorts of things and since he's living with his noisy mother (he lives at his mother!). She starts giving him direction and getting into our argue. He shout at her that it's not related to you mom! I hung up on him.
I don't like this. I'm an adult. My mom never gets into my relationships. I live by myself and he lives with his mother at the age of 45!
I felt like a teenager. When I was a teen, my boyfriend's mother was doing that.
Then he told me if he goes vacation with me and his kids, I have just to follow them and not say anything. Basically, I have to bend over to every single demands they have. He said, I have no rights even to say what food I like to eat. He will ask his kids first and he will decide!
This is the same guy that kept telling me it's in bible that parents are first (the man and a woman relationship is first) and then kids. because if we (me and him) are not happy, then we can't provide to kids.
I've been so good to his kids. I never done anything bad to them. I even provided them the room and home that both their parents can't provide them.

I feel my heart is broken, but I'm trying to put them back together.

I'm not even angry. I just want to move and hopefully, I find that special man in my life who doesn't humiliate me like this.

Then in the morning, he texted me "sorry for giving you so much stress".

Tonight, he goes to a concert without me. The reason is that the guy who invited him doesn't believe in divorce and consider it as sin. Therefore, he didn't tell him that he's separated and has a girlfriend. Then I have to be out again. For somebody's belief!

Please wish me to be strong again.

Two years....I feel I aged! I was so happy when I met him. He fall in love with me because I was laughing. But he managed to make me old and sad and depressed.

I think this is the time to move to another city again. Oh God, give me strength.

with love
M.

[Bill3]

Please wish me to be strong again.

I wish you to be strong again!

[Little Jay]

[angelene]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to kick this guy to the curb. You deserve someone better. Don't worry about being alone; you're much better off without this sponge than with him. I also don't think you should move to a new city! This guy is ruining your life. It's time to take action and take care of yourself!

Originally Posted by marjan

Oh God, give me strength.

with love
M.

[hannabee]

Take your life back. Find another man. Freeze some eggs, if you can afford it. Get strong and realize you deserve better than he is treating you. His children should come first and they always will, but there is a better way for him to treat you and act about this. He is a user. And don't move unless it is BEST FOR YOU! Big hug and good luck. Keep us posted.

[marjan]

He ended up this time. I think I fed his ego. So many times, I wanted to end it up but he was sad and we got back together.

It was really bad. We took a trip with his kids and his 9 years old daughter were such a little brat in the entire trip. Nothing made this child happy. She complained about everything. She shout at his father "WHAT? You brought me to this hotel. I don't like it." or another time "I want a fancier restaurant"....or so many other long unhappy faces, very jealous.
We went to my sister's home and she has two sweet kids, a boy and a girl, 9 and 10. Kids were playing the whole day. My niece is a sweet heart. She never gets into any trouble and she let the kids to play with her toys, same as my nephew.
But oh mother of lord, this girl was not happy. I took her to nail salon, she's not happy still. His son was sweet, appreciating every moment.
When she complained about the 4.5 starts hotel in San Fransisco, I spoke up. I said you should say thanks to your father to spend all these money for just you. Nobody wanted to come to San Fransisco, except you, but nothing makes you happy. Richard, my boyfriend, was quiet. later on, he said, it's ok, she's just a child. I said that's the parents job to teach a kid to say thanks and appreciate.
Anyhow, the long story short, on the day four, the last day of the trip, we were in the science center for them, and around 5:30 I'm tired. I want to go.
They are running around, and not even waiting for me. Basically, I stay behind. They don't care. They don't wait. He doesn't even bother himself to look back and see if I exist. I got so pissed at him when specially they didn't wait for me and left me behind a closed door. I texted him "What do you call yourself? You don't even wait for me." When I saw him, He said "everybody is happy except you....look kids, who is unhappy...Marjan"...and he pointed his finger at me. This is bullying! I got mad and I told him you are a A.H....and I left (I just used the acronym). I sat outside waiting for them.
We got into the car, again the little brat is blaming me for losing some **** (ipod, ipad whatever **** they are playing with). I said I toss it in the garbage!
I bought the iPad and I'm the only one who's not using it. It turns to be their toys. He found it and gave it to me.
Then he said again "Look guys who is sad here and miserable....oh just Marjan". I felt I get heart attack! I told him, leave me alone, give me few minutes of peace.
After around an hour, I needed to go to bathroom. I asked him to make a stop in the next exit. He said nothing but he didn't stop and he passed the exit. I told him I really need to go, don't miss the next exit. He starts screaming at me and stopped the car at the entrance of the freeway. Made me to drive the whole night.
He screamed at me many times right in front of his kids. I told him don't do it at least in front of them. But he couldn't help himself.
Anyhow.....we went to the hotel....I start trying to soften the situation. I told him it's ok if you want to break up but don't make it ugly like this. We don't need to say hurtful things together.....
Anyhow, in the morning, the mean behavior continued. He was laughing with his kids and again saying that "hey kids, who is sad between four of us....it's her...Marjan.".....I've never got bullied like this even at elementary school!
so...I drove them back to my home where his dirty car was...he took some of his stuff and he wanted to come back for few piece of furniture he has. I told him "No, you can't disturb me tonight. I had enough of you and your kids. I need rest. I'll let you know when to come and pick them up."
I let his kids to come in and open their gifts. Then they left. I closed the garage door. but it didn't take them two minutes, to come back again. This time, his daughter is yelling and shouting at my door and kicking the door. I didn't want to see them again. I didn't open the door. I could hear that "She's yelling saying that Daddy, Marjan Doesn't open the door." in a very demanding rude manner. She lost her iPod and she was blaming me for it. I never see her iPod. It was with her the whole trip. She's a messy girl!
They waited for awhile. I took shower and they were still there. I didn't answer his text message either. I don't want the guy who treat me like a ****.
I put up with his nasty life for a long time. I've been so unhappy. And now, he's breaking up with me right at the new year!
Last year, he made the Christmas and New Year miserable and this year the same.
Now, all I need recovery.
I try not to think the lonely days and not to think about the good days that I had with him and not to think about the unknown future.
I think the main thing I'm afraid of is not finding a person to love and being alone. I'm not sure how to overcome this fear.
I know the time that I overcome these two main fears, I will be happy.

Thanks for your support
Marjan

[hannabee]

So sorry it seems like you chose a loser. Hang in there, you will find someone who will treat you better! Big hug! And, those children sound horrid, so sad they are not being taught respect and love by their father.

[~serenity~]

You are certainly better off without him. Someday you will experience a huge sense of relief to no longer have to deal with his awful behaviors.
You will find somebody better. Just be open to the possibilities.

[marjan]

Thanks for your support and kind words....these are the words I really need to here....
I feel so dark. I feel he's the only man and nobody else can replace him but when I think about all the abuse he's done to me and hurtful things he said, I don't want him in my life.
It took me a long time to get connected with another man and I can't imagine how long will take me again to find the next one!
I really hope I found the one and no kids anymore.
That's my choice. I have no kids and I want a guy without kids