How can I find Forgiveness?

I have had some really rough times trying to deal with my BiPolar Disorder and the effect of my episodes have been hard on my wife and my kids, when I've been hypomanic then I work like crazy and start projects and make promises and some things work out.....but many times they don't and my family feels like I have let them down. Then when I get exhausted and slip into my twice yearly depressions then I am withdrawn and unavailable and I am not much fun at all. My family thinks that I am doing all of this "on purpose" but they don't really understand that my brain is "faulty" and sometimes I make bad decisions or cannot do the things that I thought I could. Would they forgive me if they understood that I don't want to be this way? If I had a brain tumor or cancer I think they would be more understanding but they don't see that my illness is REAL and so I just feel really sad and lonely and misunderstood.

I'm sorry your dealing with a family that just doesnt "get it" Bipolar is a very difficult thing to understand even for US that have it.. but to anyone else it's really hard.

Are you in Therapy ? If so is it possible for you wife to come to a session so your Therapist can help her understand how at times you really do not have 100% control of your mood. My Husband didnt really believe "it" until my T explained it to him in very straight forward blunt east to understand it. It made a huge difference.

I don't really talk much to my husband about my Bipolar, Unless I am in a bad place and he needs to know about it. Bipolar can if unchecked kinda take over a relationship if your not careful.. Do you know around what times of year you tend to deal with depression? If so maybe in the weeks maybe leading up to it get with your Pdoc and try to head the episode off before it becomes a huge problem. Also give your wife a heads up.

Are you using every single last coping skill you know? Are you letting your self care slide? It's had not to fall into the trap of " well if I had cancer or whatnot" you wouldnt be treated this way.. There is no real way to use the two as comparable.

I would invite your wife along for a session and actually it might benefit her to see a Therapist on her own..it is tough living with a Bipolar spouse and she needs to learn how to mentally stay healthy herself.

Work hard in finding more and more coping skills you can use. I hate to say but at times I just fake it til I make it.. Yeah It sucks soooooo much , but sometimes it does help me stay in control of my lousy times.

Welcome to PC You will find tons of people here that "get it" There is a Bipolar forum, great place to hang your hat and stay awhile.

I do know your first 5 posts need to be okay'd my moderators after than as soon as you hit submit your stuff will show right up .

I'd like to add to what Christina said. You don't say how old your children are but they would benefit from a session or two with a therapist too, particularly one who is skilled with children.

Family therapy might be useful to help you work out a plan with the family on how to handle things, and what solutions can be found - because they're expressing that their needs aren't being met by you when you're in a depression or hypomania.

It's like anything else - finding some sort of balance to best meet everyone's needs. Sometimes someone else's needs simply do come first, but when it becomes a regularly recurring thing then people will eventually feel resentment. What they are likely seeing is that for good chunks of the year your needs are coming before their collective needs. Which is understandably not fair.

At the same time, they don't understand how depressions and hypomanias work; it will help them to see how you're trying to meet their needs even amidst the rollercoaster. Therapy will help them (and you) see how and what you do that demonstrates your caring for them, and therapy will help them to understand your limitations and what they can do to help meet you in the middle so that everyone can get as much of their needs met as possible.

I agree with Christina about the faking it till you make it push. I do that a lot when I am depressed - I might absolutely not want to do something, but I drag my sorry butt out there and do it anyway for other people. Not all the time mind you, but more than I'd want to. I do things like that on my better days; my friends by now are accepting of the fact htat there are days where I just simply will be like "yeah no I can't go." But, I recognize that it isn't fair to them so I make myself compromise - I'll even initiate some 1:1 time that I may not really want but I want to do my best by them to still show that I care. It's exhausting sometimes.

When you make promises while hypomanic, I think it's important for you to work on fulfilling those promises once you're out of the hypomania. It might take longer than you led them to believe depending on what it was, but you should work towards it anyway when you're stable. You're unintentionally teaching your children not to trust you.

I agree with the others who favor that family members have contact with a professional who can help them understand the nature of bipolar disorder.