[PaulaS]

Now when it´s christmas my thoughts about not having had a relationship are more frequent. I don´t quite know why I never did, I was in therapy partly because of this but we didn´t get to discuss it as I was terminated prematurely.

My life could perhaps look quite "normal" from the outside, I have a university degree, my own apartment, I´ve moved a couple of times to study in different cities. But something has gone wrong along the road so to speak. It´s not a matter of any sexual trauma or something like that though.

I feel like I´m mentally stuck in my teenage years when you´re about to find out how you are and to be "your own person". In my teenage years I were never interested or even thought about boys or meeting someone and later on the relationship thing has become more and more of a sorrow. I feel unnormal not having had a relationship, I´ve never dated anyone either. I´ve been on my own for so long that I now can´t really understand what a relationship would be like and I can´t see myself together with someone.

Of course I don´t want to spend my future all by myself but there´s some kind of mental issue going on I think. It´s not a matter of "just getting out there and meet or date someone", then I hadn´t post a thread in here.

There could be many explanations and I know my T told me I was a bit emotionally distant. I´ve partly lost the emotional side of myself but I don´t know how or why. Often these problems stems from your childhood experiences and I think mine most probably do.

Is there anyone here who recognises this? Have you gotten any explanations by talking about it in therapy - the thing never having had a relationship? What could it possibly mean and what are possible causes. I´d really like to talk about this, especially with those of you who experience the same thing.

[IceCreamKid]

Merry Christmas. Are you still seeing your therapist? What you have mentioned here could be discussed with her/him. I am alone (I'm divorced) and don't see myself having a relationship ever again; I rarely see friends although some of this is just because I have so little time what with work and classes. But the reality is that I am emotionally exhausted much of the time, and don't have the emotional reserves to put into a love relationship. I can barely keep up with platonic friendships, even though I care about my friends very much.

I just ended my therapeutic relationship with my counselor. She said she thought I was ready to go without seeing her. Oddly enough we never, not even once, discussed why I had no special relationship. I thought that was a failing on her part; on my part the pain is so deep and so long-standing, I cannot bring it up directly myself. I frankly felt like my counselor didn't want to continue with me, and that coupled with my inability to pay the whole fee encouraged her to deem me well enough to soldier on alone.

I hope you get some good understanding and support here from people closer to your own age, and I also hope, if you are seeing a therapist or are willing and able to see one, that you bring this matter to her or his attention, because I would hate to see you go your whole life without a love relationship if you want one.

[PaulaS]

No, I´m looking for a new T at the moment. It sounds sad you had to end your therapy without getting the opportunity to address your issue around relationships. If your´re a bit older as you hint about perhaps your T just assumed that you had a relationship or that you ended one and didn´t want another.

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Merry Christmas. Are you still seeing your therapist? What you have mentioned here could be discussed with her/him. I am alone (I'm divorced) and don't see myself having a relationship ever again; I rarely see friends although some of this is just because I have so little time what with work and classes. But the reality is that I am emotionally exhausted much of the time, and don't have the emotional reserves to put into a love relationship. I can barely keep up with platonic friendships, even though I care about my friends very much.

I just ended my therapeutic relationship with my counselor. She said she thought I was ready to go without seeing her. Oddly enough we never, not even once, discussed why I had no special relationship. I thought that was a failing on her part; on my part the pain is so deep and so long-standing, I cannot bring it up directly myself. I frankly felt like my counselor didn't want to continue with me, and that coupled with my inability to pay the whole fee encouraged her to deem me well enough to soldier on alone.

I hope you get some good understanding and support here from people closer to your own age, and I also hope, if you are seeing a therapist or are willing and able to see one, that you bring this matter to her or his attention, because I would hate to see you go your whole life without a love relationship if you want one.

I've never been in a relationship. I also feel stuck. I've never been abused. I've always wanted someone to be with but finding the right match seems unlikely. Shyness, social phobia, introverted...I'm made up of several things that make it hard to meet people.

[with or without you]

OP, I feel like I could have started this thread myself. We are around the same age. Xmas stirs up this stuff for me too. Happy New Year.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JoeS21]

I'm not clear on whether you are having trouble getting a relationship started, sustaining a relationship once it's started, or both? Do you go on dates that fail to evolve into something more? Do you not go on dates in the first place? This all assumes that you are talking about a romantic relationship, correct me if I'm wrong about that.

How to attract a guy: IMO, the easiest way to attract a guy is to, 1. look attractive, 2. act attractive, and 3. find a way to get him to ask you out or ask him out (at the right time or in the right way).

To address #1, honestly ask yourself if there is anything you could be doing to improve your physical appearance that you are not yet doing. Exercise, clothing-wise, grooming (hair, skin-wise, etc.)?

To address #2, honestly ask yourself if you are the kind of person YOU would like to spend a day with. Is there anything you could fix up quickly? Keep in mind that lots of guys enjoy more concise answers than are typical of some circles of girlfriends. His facial expression, and the timing of it, will give this sort of problem away.

To address #3, if you like a guy, try flirting with him in some little way. Do a little more and a little more until you get a yay or nay reaction. If he wrinkles his nose or seems disgusted, quit. If instead, he shows signs of interest, either keep it up, hint, or make the first move yourself.

Also, as you may be aware, many successful busy people have trouble getting into a relationship because they are so busy and focus on work so much.

[PaulaS]

I´m in the category of "non-daters" and the ones that have lived and still live in some kind of crossing between childhood and adulthood. I know I don´t want to live by myself the rest of my life but at the same time I can´t really put my finger on what´s missing and I don´t have a clear picture of me involved in a relationship.

It´s therefore a complex situation and an extensive subject for therapy. I think you have to get to know yourself a bit more and understand why you haven´t had a relationship before you go out dating. I would probably "dare" go on a date but I think it´s important searching for the deeper reasons for not that actively seeking a relationship. I´ve been thinking about asexuality as an explanation but I don´t feel I really fit into discriptions around this condition.

Originally Posted by JoeS21

I'm not clear on whether you are having trouble getting a relationship started, sustaining a relationship once it's started, or both? Do you go on dates that fail to evolve into something more? Do you not go on dates in the first place? This all assumes that you are talking about a romantic relationship, correct me if I'm wrong about that.

How to attract a guy: IMO, the easiest way to attract a guy is to, 1. look attractive, 2. act attractive, and 3. find a way to get him to ask you out or ask him out (at the right time or in the right way).

To address #1, honestly ask yourself if there is anything you could be doing to improve your physical appearance that you are not yet doing. Exercise, clothing-wise, grooming (hair, skin-wise, etc.)?

To address #2, honestly ask yourself if you are the kind of person YOU would like to spend a day with. Is there anything you could fix up quickly? Keep in mind that lots of guys enjoy more concise answers than are typical of some circles of girlfriends. His facial expression, and the timing of it, will give this sort of problem away.

To address #3, if you like a guy, try flirting with him in some little way. Do a little more and a little more until you get a yay or nay reaction. If he wrinkles his nose or seems disgusted, quit. If instead, he shows signs of interest, either keep it up, hint, or make the first move yourself.

Also, as you may be aware, many successful busy people have trouble getting into a relationship because they are so busy and focus on work so much.