[Sneuby]

Lately, I have been thinking that breaking up with my wife, and thereby giving her a chance to live a 'normal' life with a 'normal' spouse, would be the only decent thing to do. Particularly as she is a very smart, beautiful and all around wonderful person? Sometimes I think I just conned her into this without revealing what life with me would really be like. As a case in point, she now wants to have children but I just don't think I am capable, that is 'normal' enough to do it. While the holidays are here and with it large social gatherings, I avoid the latter as they are just so hard on me emotionally;petending to be happy, comparing myself to others, observing others seemingly 'perfect' lives etc. In fact, there are so many important social gatherings, such as weddings, that I have messed up.

It is just one thing after another and I just think that she has put up with enough.

Do others everr feel this way?

[eskielover]

Honestly, it should be up to her to make that decision.

I lived in a bad marriage for 33 years but I wanted out from the beginning.....where there are other women who wouldn't have had problems with the guy I was married to.....but maybe they would.....but honestly, it needs to be the woman's call.....if she's satisfied with the marriage the way it is.....then let her be.....I was blatantly obvious about not being happy from the beginning which is why we had all the fights we had. You would know if she were just tolerating you & the marriage....it's quite obvious because of the ambivalent feel that exists if there isn't fighting.

Leave the leaving up to her otherwise....let her be happy with the marriage because it's not your place to tell her whether she should be happy or not

[Bill3]

she is a very smart, beautiful and all around wonderful person

That's great! She is in a good position to know you well and make her own decisions.

[nicoleflynn]

Be honest with her (and perhaps consider counseling for yourself,) so you don't have to pretend); that must be a terrible strain.

[Sneuby]

Thank you so much for this, as you really got me to see it from her perspective and to realize that my original position may have been selfish, despite me thinking that it would be 'for her'

Originally Posted by eskielover

Honestly, it should be up to her to make that decision.

I lived in a bad marriage for 33 years but I wanted out from the beginning.....where there are other women who wouldn't have had problems with the guy I was married to.....but maybe they would.....but honestly, it needs to be the woman's call.....if she's satisfied with the marriage the way it is.....then let her be.....I was blatantly obvious about not being happy from the beginning which is why we had all the fights we had. You would know if she were just tolerating you & the marriage....it's quite obvious because of the ambivalent feel that exists if there isn't fighting.

Leave the leaving up to her otherwise....let her be happy with the marriage because it's not your place to tell her whether she should be happy or not

[Sneuby]

Originally Posted by Bill3

That's great! She is in a good position to know you well and make her own decisions.

thank you, this tied together nicely with regard to the earlier suggestion that I not do her thinking and feeling for her

[Sneuby]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Be honest with her (and perhaps consider counseling for yourself,) so you don't have to pretend); that must be a terrible strain.

It is indeed stressful. I have actually been in therapy for some time and have tried to express how I feel to her at times, to which she has told me that she loves me and that is why she is here. I guess I should try to listen to what she is saying. But on the other hand this also reinforces what a great person she is and ironically, makes me feel worse for having trapped her in this. Cleary it is compicated

[eskielover]

makes me feel worse for having trapped her in this.

In reality, you haven't trapped her.....she is always free to leave if that's what she really wanted to do

I use to think like that I would sabotage anything that was good and felt like they deserve better .

[toolman65]

Are you typing this post or is it your depression?

Your wife is free to leave, if that is what SHE wants.

You are free to leave, if that is what YOU want.

You cannot leave her while claiming that it is in her best interests to be free of you.

That is dysfunctional. Only she can determine what is in her best interests.

If you don't want to have kids then you must be honest about that. If she wants to have kids then that is something you will have to face as a couple.

Using the "i'm leaving you because i don't deserve you" excuse is beneath you and, quite frankly , an insult to her and her love for you.

[Trippin2.0]

I wholeheartedly agree with the whole "your wife is smart and has free will" range of responses, so I will refrain from repeating other members.


I would however just like to touch on the parenting aspect of your post...


Together with your wife, and possibly your T, discuss the reasons, the core reason behind not wanting to have children. You never know, there may be a way to compromise, a way to work around your apprehension, but you wont know unless you discuss it with your wife.


I myself have a daughter. I'm a single mother and have up until recently maintained that I will NEVER have another child, even though that thought has secretly saddened me for the past 5 years.


My bf always seemed accepting of this decision, but recently we sat down and discussed my whys and his desire to be a father one day.


We came to the realization that there is a way around my absolute no. See I can't do the fulltime mother thing, not only does my bipolar sometimes have me basically incapacitated during depressions, but I lack the 24 /7 nurturing gland. However that being said, I do love my daughter more than words could ever describe and have always put her needs first. Apparently, much to my surprise I'm actually a bloody good mother


So we came to the conclusion that if and only IF, we are in the position to employ a nanny to help me out, say on a half day basis, then and only then could we plan to have a baby together.


Didn't mean to type a winding post, but hope I managed to bring across my point.


Communication is key, please don't accept its an absolute nono before discussing with your wife.

[eskielover]

but I lack the 24 /7 nurturing gland. However that being said, I do love my daughter more than words could ever describe

Wow, good to know that I am not the only one who doesn't have the mothering instinct as part of my make-up......I don't to well around little kids....if they could be born college grads, I would be ok with having kids.....it's that long child phase that I have problems with

[Sneuby]

Thank you all for your wise feedback. Your right Eskilover, in that she does have a choice and I should not sell her short in this regard. And I took think that perhaps I have fallen into this trap of trying to sabotage everything Nature 1968...perhaps because I fear experiencing the pains of failure that I have felt in the past. How did you overcome this tendency? And yes Toolman65, I do think depression was doing some of that writing and that when it comes to children I do need to 'man up' so to speak, as I can not let, or profess to let, my mental health issues determine all of my decisions, as tough as they may be. That excuse is "beneath me"...thank you for that.