[lost_in_the_horizon]

Hi, I'm new here.
I have been in an abusive relationship for 13 months and 1 week. He has never hurt me physically but manipulates me emotionally. This has gone on for such a long time and it's so hard to get out of it. I don't have the courage to leave and stand up for myself. My mother was in an abusive relationship and her and I were both abused by this man so we moved to where we are now to escape him and now I'm in the situation she was in only I am experiencing this as a teenager. I don't have a social life anymore. I have changed so much for him and it's still not enough and I'm scared. He pities me. Saying he doesn't leave me because he does not want me killing myself (I have struggled with self harm in the past but have been clean for 1 year and 4 days, I still can't believe it myself) but he does not understand that by being with him I have the urges to do that more than I would if I was single. I need advise. I need someone to help me with working up the courage to leave him and better myself. So please I'd really appreciate it. Thank you all so much.

[Crazy Hitch]

You deserve better than this lost in the horizon

You can see the way forward and you know what needs to be done.

Take the step forward. We're here to support you.

The emotional turmoil that you are in right now can be healed with time.

Congratulations that you've been clean for 1 year and 4 days. You can keep going with this strength.

I see someone with courage already. It takes guts to reach out and realize you do not need to go through this alone. I believe that you can use this same inner strength to move forward.

I wish you well on your journey to peacefulness.

[marmaduke]

You must leave.

Its so easy to slip into an abusive relationship if that type of life style is all you have ever known.

My mother was abusive (emotionally) I was ridiculed, criticized and shamed. I married to get away from home and escape my narcissistic 'parents.'
I had no self esteem and NO idea of how a normal relationship should work, to be treated like s##t WAS my normal. I'd been taught by mother that I was such a pathetic specimen no one would ever want me, that left me insecure and very vulnerable to abuse, after all it was all I deserved, right?

I was married to this horror for 22 years, 22 fecking miserable years. I wanted to leave but had no support and no where to go, there was no internet in those days.

Ya know what? If the internet had been there I and I'd had the means to talk to others and get knowledge, good advice and realize that in fact my life did NOT have to be about being a verbal punch bag. And that I was indeed being abused, I truly believe with that guidance and support I would have left him 15 years earlier.

My divorce was one of the best things I have ever done, for the first time I felt happy free of bullies

So please please please leave. Do not get into another relationship until you have worked on your self esteem. Learn to look for Red Flags, all those signs people like you and I miss or make excuses for.
I am now in a relationship, he is nice to me, caring, thoughtful, respectful, normal! I am still amazed how polite he is. He doesn't tell me how 'useless and pathetic' I am he tells me I'm great. Yeah me little ol' me GREAT how about that!

With higher self esteem you will automatically expect to be treated well. Walk tall, hold your head high, look people in the eye. Think all the time I am special. I am enough, I am always enough.

Do not do as I did, I wasted so much time.
You have strength I can tell that, you have not cut for a year. Well done!

Leave, you can do it you don't need him. Be good to yourself you deserve good things x

[avlady]

Yes,yes, please get away. I ended up having a son with my abuser ill never be able to forget him for that reason, but i love my son very much. I do think we would both be dead if i stayed with him.i had to go to court for custody, of course i won as the guy showed his true bad side.

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. You need a plan for leaving. Find a therapist who understands verbal abuse. Read everything you can on the subject. Most abusers never change and they are excruciatingly insecure and will do and say anything to control you. It took me 31 years to leave. Verbal abuse is literally brainwashing; that is why it is so confusing and hard to leave. you can call the National Domestic Violence hotline or women's shelter for advice and help. Abuse is a CHOICE.

In other words, educate yourself as to what verbal (emotional) abuse is, and what it does to you (damages your immune system), find a good therapist, read the book I mentioned ...make sure you do it in private, because he will feel threatened that he may be using his verbal punching bag, realize that no one deserves abuse. You have turned your life upside down for him, but it will never be enough; they are bottomless pits...emotional vampires. you can google the "domestic wheel of violence" also. I know how difficult it is to leave, but it can be done and with some help and educating yourself you can leave the abuse and get your life back. Please stay in touch here, we all care. xoxo

P.S. he isn't staying with you because he cares about you; he is staying because he is immature, insecure and needs someone to control.

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercon...lnoshading.pdf

[lost_in_the_horizon]

You are all so great, thank you all so much for your advice. It means so much. The support I've already found here is incredible.

[JJBX]

Each person has their own sets of needs. If you aren't ready to leave, I guess you'd have to start with what's holding you back. This guy is human, just like you. When you leave, you're going to feel the overwhelming NEED to go back to him. You'll have to keep that in mind for when you leave.

Plan ahead. You need to have transportation, money, a place to live, and emotional support. House of Ruth is a shelter for battered women where you can go if you need to get away immediately. You will have to find the closest one to you or another battered women's shelter. If you work or go to school, develop a plan for getting there after you've left. If you feel like he might harm you while you're trying to leave, then you need to alert family and make sure they know where you are at all times. Come up with a safe word or phrase that you can text or call that won't raise suspicion with him, but will alert them that there's a problem and you need the police.

If you're afraid about falling into the trap of coming back to him, then you need to set ground rules for yourself. If he's very persuasive, you need to make sure he can't communicate with you. Get a prepaid phone to talk to family and ditch your old phone if you can. Make sure he doesn't know where you are. If needed, have someone you trust be the one-way liasion who can communicate to him that you have left and will not return. If you don't feel that's safe, then don't do it.

Much luck to you. Make sure you clear your browsing history after you're finished looking at this site or House of Ruth's website.

[marmaduke]

nicoleflynn
P.S. he isn't staying with you because he cares about you; he is staying because he is immature, insecure and needs someone to control.

This was very true of my abusive relationship, when I look back I can see he was sooo weak, like a pathetic useless spoilt toddler. I wish I'd taken control of my life so much sooner.