Apologizing for bad reaction to good news

Hey guys,

Lately I have been coming to terms with my abandonment fears. Just as I began waking up to them, I got a great "opportunity" to see one way it plays out in my friendships and how my anxiety could actually push people away.

I am married, and was one of the first of my friends to marry. I just realized that I have a history of being skeptical of my close friends' SOs, fiances, and sometimes husbands. I can see how every time a friend vents a frustration about her SO, I feel protective of my friend and the offense gets locked away in a little box in my head. (Obviously I need to work on this type of judgmental thinking.) Of course I don't typically hear the resolution that the couple comes to, so the offense stays in my little anger vault. In the end, I often continue to feel secretly resentful indignant against the SO on my friend's behalf, even while she seems happy in her relationship.

Earlier this week, my best girl friend told me she and her SO of 6 months just started talking marriage, and it doesn't sound like they want to wait long. Obviously things are moving a little fast, so I was surprised. I had also been concerned about her because some of the things she told me about him sounded a bit controlling to me. When she told me they were talking marriage, she was clearly very happy and excited, and expected me to celebrate this news with her. I was a huge Debbie Downer, and fired off several question consecutively, which undoubtedly revealed my reservations about the idea.

I have since realized that this was unhealthy, codependent behavior on my part, and that I reacted from my anxiety. She is one of the most competent, smart women I know and I treated her more like a child than an adult who's capable of taking care of her business.

Since this happened, I've realized that my propensity to see the worst in my friends' SOs may have much more to do with my own fear of being abandoned/forgotten by that particular friend once she is married than it has to do with the guy himself. As a married person with kids, I realize that my fear of a man swooping in and "stealing" my friend away is unfair and not based in reality.

I want to apologize to her for my knee-jerk reaction. I think I'm going to briefly tell her that I don't like how I reacted, and wish I'd just been supportive, that I love her and believe she deserves all the happiness in the world, and that I am confident she can make the best decisions for herself.

I'm not sure if it would be helpful to let her know that my abandonment issues got kicked up, and that I'm working on that. On the one hand, I think it may help her understand my weird reaction as being about my insecurity and not personal. On the other hand, I could see myself regretting it, especially if I thought she was placating me afterwards. It's a bit of a double bind, because I do feel like I may need a little reassurance, but I don't want her to feel weighed down or obligated by my neediness.

Apologizing for my "stuff" is kind of new for me, as I'm just becoming even remotely self aware, haha. If you were in this position, would you think it healthy to name the vulnerable feelings that got kicked up? Or would you just apologize and say " My behavior was about me and my unhealthy issues/anxieties, not about you." and leave it at that? We are so close that I lean toward being more self disclosing, but I'm uncertain.

I appreciate your thoughts!

That sounds good to me.

I would first leave it at that, but be attentive to her reaction. If she shows unusual concern/interest, consider saying say more. If not, not.

I agree with Bill. The first sentence there is a perfect apology. You don't need to go into the details about you and your issues - let the focus rest on her happiness and your well-wishes.

Thanks guys!
We talked tonight, I followed Bill's advice, apologized and didn't get into my stuff, and that felt just right to me. As it turns out she wasn't upset or put off by my questions in the initial conversation, and said she's expected as much from her friends. She said considers this to be the time she needs to ask herself those kinds of questions, and I wasn't the only one who had that reaction. I'm glad that she didn't take offense, but I still felt guilty; as a recovering codependent I'm working to be less presumptuous and judgmental, and not to give unsolicited opinions/advice.
I think in the future if I feel a compulsive reaction like that rising up, I will slow down and ask her (or any friend) what she's looking for; a listening ear? A sounding board? Etc.
Thanks again!!