[8thstreetbungalow]

I know answers to most of these as I have asked them before. All thought i do enjoy getting different opinions on something so i have a deeper understanding. It is also on my mind and i want to just get it out there.

My T says that i created a persona growing up. This person who isn't who i really am and i present this person when i first meet people. This person is kind, energetic, funny and charming.

She keeps telling me to be myself, she says being angry is a good thing and expressing anger is helpful. She says that you need to express it appropriately though. She says that the real me, is this quiet type who wants to be left alone to do his own thing. She described me as abstract sequential.

She said by keeping this "persona" when i try to date i put people off. Then first get to know this fun charming energetic guy, then eventually i fall off into a quiet submissive don't wanna talk person.

She says its ok to be both. She says it shows good and bad qualities. its just she said showing too much of one and not the other is the problem because the other person isn't ready for it when the other side shows. or the other person gets too much negativity and it really brings them down.

So my question is.

What does she mean by an equal balance of good and bad?

She gave an example. "Like when you bring a girl over for a movie you can hang out with her, but when the movie is over go and find some alone time. If she asks to talk to her and wants more attention, tell her that you just want some alone time right now."

I dont know if i could do something like that i would feel uneasy. I mean if i am bringing someone over my house then i was raised to kinda give them my undivided attention while they are a guest. Anyway i would like some weighed in thoughts here.

[hvert]

I think maybe she means that if you go on a date, it's okay to end it when you want to. Like, you don't have to invite the girl over - you can just go to the movie. If you spend some time with someone and have had your fill, you can suggest ending the date, even if they want to continue it.

I agree with you that it doesn't make a lot of sense to invite someone over and then take alone time.

If I meet someone new, I want to put my best foot forward, too. I think maybe her example wasn't a very good one?

[Frankbtl]

Hi 8thStreet, I may be too far off track here.........but the way I prefer to see it
Let's replace good AND bad, for............their needs/preferences AND your needs/preferences (I like that better!!), and yes there is going to be a bit of an overlap there, because I don't think it's as "black and white" as that.

So your personna (the "good" part) sounds more about meeting what you think they might want, looking good to them, impressing them, a lot more about them than about you???

Although the overlap may be where the personna drops.......when they're happy/comfortable/digging you, and you're actually happy/comfortable/digging them.

And the alternative, the focus moreso on your needs/preferences (the "bad" part, which I refuse to call bad ). The side where you do want to be alone more, you want to do things on your own/by yourself, the side where some things do make you irritated.

Now keeping a relationship in the overlap bit all the time would be great, but let's face it a little unrealistic for anyone!!!!! So I'd say the balance you're looking for is there, but realistically in general it needs to level out overall between your needs and their needs. Sometimes it will need to be all about their needs, and sometimes it will need to be all about your needs in certain situations, but you both need to feel you're giving/you give each other something/equally overall/longer term/"in the bigger picture".
You know what I mean, sometimes they'll be there for you and sometimes you'll be there for them in different ways.

And the situation with the movie.........well if you know that it will involve you just watching the movie with her, and you're going to feel uncomfortable from when it finishes/you'll really want your alone time/you'll want her to leave and she might take offense.......then until you feel more comfortable with her........don't do the movie, instead go out and do something you both enjoy, have a meal out with her, chat with her then........she's happy (hopefully!!!), you're happy (hopefully!!!).........her needs/preferences met, your needs/preferences met.........success!!!

And at some point in the friendship/relationship why not just explain to her that you do like/need a certain amount of personal space.......give her examples.........and let her know real clearly that it's about you not that you don't like her/don't want to be with her etc, just make it really honest and sincere though, hey??!!

Maybe I did go a little off track there actually???!!!



Alison

[hvert]

Thank you Alison, that makes a lot of sense! I couldn't figure out what the T was trying to get at in this situation.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by 8thstreetbungalow

I know answers to most of these as I have asked them before. All thought i do enjoy getting different opinions on something so i have a deeper understanding. It is also on my mind and i want to just get it out there.

My T says that i created a persona growing up. This person who isn't who i really am and i present this person when i first meet people. This person is kind, energetic, funny and charming.

She keeps telling me to be myself, she says being angry is a good thing and expressing anger is helpful. She says that you need to express it appropriately though. She says that the real me, is this quiet type who wants to be left alone to do his own thing. She described me as abstract sequential. .... Anyway i would like some weighed in thoughts here.

It is interesting that you created one persona presumably because you were encouraged to do so by parents, peer pressure? I am not quite sure if you are male or female, but it seems to me that women are under strong pressure to conform and be sociable.

It is quite impressive that you could maintain a persona contrary to what appears to be your true nature. I would find that incredibly difficult and highly stressful.

Perhaps your T is suggesting that maintaining the 'agreeable' persona is not necessary and in fact might be damaging you. And that it is in fact OK to admit that you have needs that cannot be met in the 'agreeable' persona, and that it is OK to set the 'agreeable' persona' aside when you need to?

[8thstreetbungalow]

I'm male.

The persona was created due to a past history of being bullied / neglect / abuse.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by 8thstreetbungalow

I'm male.

The persona was created due to a past history of being bullied / neglect / abuse.

Totally understandable that you took refuge in your created persona, and incredibly brave of you to venture out. I do hope it works out for you.

[Artchic528]

I completely understand how and why you feel the deep seeded desire to create a persona. You want to fit in, yet want to protect the real you from being hurt again. I do the same thing, often without consciously being aware that I'm doing so. Then, when the person gets too close, I close myself off and they lose interest in pursuing a friendship/relationship.

It's frustrating, and I often grow hostile towards others as a result of the frustration. I try and tell my therapist about this, but the discussion often moves away from this subject matter all to quickly.

[niceguy]

If I am understanding it correctly the issue is that the person (persona) that the person becomes interested in, differs from the reality that will eventually seep through.
When we all start dating we put our best foot forward, but unfortunately over time the real us can't help showing. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes not so good.

What I feel the T is suggesting is letting little bits of yourself shine through to start with. Showing the bubbly with the quiet, so that the person your with can see you have multilayers from the start and are not sideswiped after you revert to quiet, distant or any other different elements to the person they initially connect with.

It is very important that we lead with who we really are, if we want anyone to love us for us -otherwise we are simply allowing someone to fall in love with a fake version that undoubtedly will result in hurt for one if not both sides. The other person feels they have been duped and you are left wondering why you are not loved for you. Yet, let's be honest, who are you in that case - are you even sure?