[Shirt1212]

A couple weeks ago my mother brought up my sisters ex. This isn't uncomon for her she brings up my first boyfriend often even tho I'm married with two kids. Anyways my sisters ex wasn't a good guy, not even a good match for my sister. He was verbally and physically abusive (I'm not sure if my mom knew about the physical abuse) he didn't work, he would work my sister up, he was jealous and he got arrested a few times while they were togethet mostly drunk in publics and peeing in public but my sister bailed him out of it Everytime. So anyways my mom lamented that she wished it would have worked out between them. This wasn't the first time I had heard her say this and she caught me on a frustrating day so I didn't spare her feelings. I says mom don't say that, don't mention his name again. Don't you know how bad that hurts (my sister). I reminded her how horrible he was and that he was no prize to see leave. She got really angry and told me how I didn't under stand, and wouldn't until my kids were older. I said mom I know what you are trying to say but talking about these people like this just makes us feel like we did wrong in walking away. It comes off as if you could have just put up with it then it would be better. Anyways it ended in a scream match and not good.

I know I probably could have talked to her about it in a nicer way but am I wrong? She should know how it feels, she's divorced from our father and flips out when we do anything with him. I realize that they had a different relationship that we have with him so I try to not bring him up. But am I wrong for not wanting to hear how things would be better if my sister had stayed with her ex. Or if had stayed with mine? My husband is a kind man, a great husband and an amazing father, why do I need to hear about the kid I dated 10 years ago, why does my sister need to hear about mr wrong when her whole life is ahead of her.

I have been dealing with a lot of emotional manipulation, codependency and verbal abuse in my relationship with my mother. I'm trying to make it work and stand my ground but I am still uneasy about doing so. She still tries to be my all knowing mother but I'm not putting my finger in a light socket, I'm living life and what might be right for me isn't right for everyone. Just want to know if I am compleatly wrong or not. It's hard telling your parents that they aren't right.

Thank you for the input. hugs, this site is amazingly helpful.

[sideblinded]

Hi Shirt1212

I read your story and honestly you sound very practical, intelligent and very sane to me. I say keep your good attitude and deal with your mom's ideas as best you can. I know that you feel that you lose your temper but you are only human and I think your intentions are in the right place. Your frustration does not get in the way of loving your mother so you are A-OK in my book. You are doing great.

[avlady]

i hope you can get through this crap you're dealing with, your mom doesn't or shouldn't compare this guy to anyone else, and he is a jerk like you said, just leave it at that. alot of women can't get out of bad relationships and they should be happy they aren't in that situation anymore and thats that.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't think you were out of line at all. Getting angry is natural, its a valid human emotion, and sounds like your anger was justified. Your mom just doesn't know when to quit.


I hate getting into arguments with my mother too, but that's because I have a quick temper and a tongue that spits vitriol without warning....


So I always feel like a right b!tch if we do get into an argument, thankfully, that rarely happens.


The reason I share that not so nice characteristic about myself is this...


If I were in your shoes, I would respond like this in future;


"Mom, honestly, how would you feel if we kept telling you that you should've stayed with dad?"


If she's receptive and now understands the affects of her words?.... Amicable end of story.


If she insists on being unreasonable?


Different story, then I would assure her I would bring up my father everytime she brought up an ex.

Giver her a taste of her own medicine until she cuts that shyt out.

(I've actually had to have a conversation like that with my mom in the past, but on a completely unrelated topic, and she had the good sense to drop the subject forever )


Buuut, that's just me, I obviously don't understand your family dynamics etc...


So sorry your mom seems to be living in lalaland, that cannot be easy for your family.

[Shirt1212]

It's really hard. I'm coming to realize our problems but it's hard to keep her at arms reach with two little ones. I just feel guilty she can't just be a grandma. When we had our big blow up I was called selfish, crazy and that I'm in the wrong, thank you for your answers. It helps hearing that another person would feel the same way and understands what I meant. Sometimes I feel like she's the middle sister and not my mom. I've also had problems expressing and explaining myself in the past, and well it's just a whole can of worms. I did talk to her the other day with out problem, I've been keeping her at arms reach, what she doesn't know won't come back to bite me in the butt. It's insane to have to hide the most mundane things.

Any ways I'm rambling lol I read the other day that if you wouldn't do that to your kids it's a problem, and that is one thing I know I would never do to my kids. When they break up there was a reason even if I don't know the reason. As a parent I have to be on their side (not in a psycho way my kids are Human and going to make mistakes) but I'm on their side.

Thank you all so much hugs

[hvert]

Another voice in the choir agreeing that you were in the right on this one. It's pretty insulting for a mother to say that her daughter should have been more compliant with a lousy boyfriend, so no wonder you got mad!

[toolman65]

Could you clarify something : does your mom actually KNOW about the physical abuse?

Have you actually said to her "mom, he beat her"? What about your sister?

Does she acknowledge the fact that abuse took place , or is she in denial?

As for the whole ' seeing dad sets mom off' drama...seriously? You and your sister are both adults. If you choose to see your father that is your business. Not her's. I get the sense that your mom has a low frustration tolerance and tantrums when she doesn't get her way. Even if her way hurts others.

If HER abusive nature keeps her from the grandkids, well, that is her reality.

[Shirt1212]

Thank you for your response, the yelling part of our argument I did tell her that he physically abused her and my mom said "I know!" Like she always does. I know she witnessed the Verbal and emotional abuse the kid basically lived at my moms house.

I do feel guilty keeping my kids from her tho, even tho it's her actions that cased this I still feel like the b!tch. lol life can never be easy. Lol I swear my therapist will write a book on family dysfunction.

[Rose76]

Your sister is lucky to have you. Your mom sure learned very little from her own failed relationship with your father. She sounds like a really poor source of advice for either your sister or you. You are absolutely right to keep her at arm's length. How wonderful that you've moved on to a good marriage, and your sister will have the opportunity to do likewise, if she closes her ears to her mother's dumb advice.