[Mefisto]

I want to know if someone here had the similar experiences. Your partner dumps you for someone else in very brutal way and your confidence is dead. Now you feel angry because your ex has new relationship already, while you dont. And you try to find somebody and you fail dozens of times. And you start to hate yourself because you are not attractive to anyone you like.
I just realized that all my lifestyle, all my personality, all my behavior, the entire social image of myself consists of things that all the girls hate and despise. Doesnt matter how many dates i will set with girls i like, every one of them would reject me. Also, i want to find if not better, but at least no worst person than my ex in terms of intelligence and appearance, she was smart and good looking. So, these kind of girls have variety of other boys trying to seduce them and i have no chance to compete with them.
I have been and will continue working on improving myself, but this probably would take many-many years until the result will be visible. Until that distant and far-away moment, how can i erase this pressure of desire to find somebody new to share my life with and have sexual relations and stop thinking about my ex having all kinds of intimacy and sex?

[healingme4me]

Dealing with breaking compulsive thinking isn't easy. Perhaps choose a variety of ways to distract yourself, once those thoughts start creeping in?

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[Mefisto]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Dealing with breaking compulsive thinking isn't easy. Perhaps choose a variety of ways to distract yourself, once those thoughts start creeping in?

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I probably have mild version of OCD, because nothing really distracts me. But even if i do have this mild OCD, i wont take pills for that, so i have to somehow handle this in natural way.
I can lose myself for a few minutes, but then again i feel this pressure of being dumped loser. Also, a lot of distractions can make things even worse, for example - in every book, film, tv show there are a lot of mentions of love and other relationship matters. I always feel much worse after dealing with those kind of things, which supposed to distract me.

[*Laurie*]

What is an "RS"?

[Mefisto]

Originally Posted by PoppyRoad

What is an "RS"?

Relationship. Sorry, i thought its popular abbreviation.

[avlady]

You are still who you are and shouldn't have to change for anyone, be yourself and begin to see others that are like yourself, instead of worrying about you ex. I'm sure you'll be happier.

[~Christina]

Have you grieved the lost relationship fully ? If not that likely could be the problem. It takes time for people to get there feet back under them when a relationship is ended suddenly. Maybe seeing a T (Therapist) could help process it all, just a thought.

[divine1966]

I agree with Christina seek therapy that might help. I wouldn't worry about what your ex does. My ex husband is happly married and I am happy for him. I never found anyone to marry but did have relationships. I am not going to marry whoever just becAuse of my ex being married

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[rukspc]

I'm going through a similar situation. It's hard not to think of him and his new girlfriend together. I think of him and his life with her and how perfect they are, but I hardly ever put myself first because I've put him first for so long. I'm not completely over it either and we stopped talking altogether last summer.

Sometimes I wish I'd just get over him already but it's easier said than done. It's hard because I'd been hurt a lot by him. Everyone moves at their own pace. Be patient with yourself. With that said, I'd suggest seeing a therapist as others suggested or trying a new activity, exercising or finding a distracting to stop the thoughts in their tracks. Good luck.

[Mefisto]

Thanks for replies. I do exercise and other distractions with things i always loved to do, but it does not help.

Originally Posted by avlady

begin to see others that are like yourself

I didnt understand this piece. Can you explain?

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Have you grieved the lost relationship fully ? If not that likely could be the problem. It takes time for people to get there feet back under them when a relationship is ended suddenly. Maybe seeing a T (Therapist) could help process it all, just a thought.

The breakup was so brutally bad, its possible that i will never finish the grieving, the traumatic effect is incredibly huge. So, if its necessary to grieve the lost RS fully to find new one, should i accept that i will never attract nice girl once again?
I was on 12 therapist sessions, but i cant afford it anymore. There are no free therapists in my country.
Another girl rejected me today online. She said that talking with me "boring and makes her tired". Maybe its time to stop trying.

[eskielover]

The thing is that if there are serious issues with your personality that keeps turning away people you want to be interested in.....then therapy would be a good place to start. Neuropathways in the brain can be reprogrammed with a lot of practice & mindfulness to be away of what it is that you are doing that is turning people off.

Having Sex & having relationships is not anywhere as important as self improvement so that you can have truly meaningful relationships.

I left a marriage after 33 years....it was bad. I am still NOT divorced at this point but it's getting closer....the thing is that I do not choose to get involved in any other relationship in the future unless some wonderful person comes along & is truly everything that my marriage wasn't....I wouldn't waste my time on anyone for sexual reasons or any other reasons. It's taking me time to truly sort through who & what I really am after all those years also & I need to fix a lot of broken things in my own life & rid myself of all the anger & frustration that built up over all those years. Focusing on myself & becoming a better person is much more important than finding someone else to have a relationship with.....think that might be true in your case also.

[divine1966]

Being desperate and wanted to have someone led me to become a victim of a financial scam. That's how desperate I was. Sad. I am the last person to give advice to anyone because I hit the all time low

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[Mefisto]

Originally Posted by eskielover

The thing is that if there are serious issues with your personality that keeps turning away people you want to be interested in.....then therapy would be a good place to start. Neuropathways in the brain can be reprogrammed with a lot of practice & mindfulness to be away of what it is that you are doing that is turning people off.

Having Sex & having relationships is not anywhere as important as self improvement so that you can have truly meaningful relationships.

I left a marriage after 33 years....it was bad. I am still NOT divorced at this point but it's getting closer....the thing is that I do not choose to get involved in any other relationship in the future unless some wonderful person comes along & is truly everything that my marriage wasn't....I wouldn't waste my time on anyone for sexual reasons or any other reasons. It's taking me time to truly sort through who & what I really am after all those years also & I need to fix a lot of broken things in my own life & rid myself of all the anger & frustration that built up over all those years. Focusing on myself & becoming a better person is much more important than finding someone else to have a relationship with.....think that might be true in your case also.

Im so tired of people advising therapy here. I dont have money for it and i dont have the possibility to earn more for the time being.
Therapist is not pickup trainer. What could he/she say to help me get along with girls? Nothing. I had enough experience with 3 therapists to say this.
What about those practice to reprogram the neuropathways?
Of course, its not important for you after 33 years. Imagine you were dumped after 2 years and then you were completely alone for next 31 years. Still not important?

Originally Posted by divine1966

Being desperate and wanted to have someone led me to become a victim of a financial scam. That's how desperate I was. Sad. I am the last person to give advice to anyone because I hit the all time low

Im sorry man. Would you share the story?

[divine1966]

I did on relationship forum. I don't want to hijack ur thread and honestly am so devastated. I can't see clearly. I am just saying when we are desperate we attract crap and we make big mistakes in life

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Mefisto

I probably have mild version of OCD, because nothing really distracts me. But even if i do have this mild OCD, i wont take pills for that, so i have to somehow handle this in natural way.
I can lose myself for a few minutes, but then again i feel this pressure of being dumped loser. Also, a lot of distractions can make things even worse, for example - in every book, film, tv show there are a lot of mentions of love and other relationship matters. I always feel much worse after dealing with those kind of things, which supposed to distract me.

I'm probably the last person to walk around touting the 'pop a pill, it'll make you feel better' line.

Point taken ^^^ therapy isn't affordable. Most mention, because well, it's helped them and others that they know.

Certainly, jumping right back into the fray, whilst still recovering from your devastation, might not be the greatest maneuver, although I get, many believe it'll make them feel better. It's a temporary fix for a long term injury.

I get that everywhere you look....there's love messages in storylines. Gosh even Godzilla does...can't watch an action movie these days without it turning all mushy...

Maybe you've ocd, maybe you don't....this breakup is still painful, i doubt the pain will hurt forever...I've had a bad one in my past....time heals wounds. Breakups are a blow to self esteem, they just are....

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[ChipperMonkey]

Obsessive thinking doesn't equate with OCD. Mild annoyance of mine, when anyone has a bad struggle, they say they have a mental disorder. Oh, I can't stop thinking about XYZ, I must have OCD. Oh, you are so moody, you must be bipolar. I could go on...

[Mefisto]

>Certainly, jumping right back into the fray, whilst still recovering from your devastation, might not be the greatest maneuver, although I get, many believe it'll make them feel better. It's a temporary fix for a long term injury.
I do believe it too. If only i could get at least temporary fix. Whats the long-term fix?

>this breakup is still painful, i doubt the pain will hurt forever...
But i doubt it! I cant erase the feeling like my case is extraordinary and no other human being felt the same way like i do. I know its probably stupid, but there are a lot of details about my situation that i didnt see anywhere else.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Obsessive thinking doesn't equate with OCD. Mild annoyance of mine, when anyone has a bad struggle, they say they have a mental disorder. Oh, I can't stop thinking about XYZ, I must have OCD. Oh, you are so moody, you must be bipolar. I could go on...

I actually was diagnosed with OCD and depression years ago. I wrote i have mild version, because its been a while since i had the last "ritual" compulsory behavior. But on mind level, i still feel it.

I want to rant a little, sorry for the text.

For the first time in my life, i started to feel really bad because i am trash person in eyes of society, in eyes of girls and, especially, in eyes of my ex. I have been trying to get back in social game and got rejected so many times that i lost faith in myself. I never really was social butterfly, but until the breakup i felt fine with it. I thought "yeah, people dont like you, you are not a bright person and dont have anything to offer to the world. You probably will be mediocre and boring all your life. So what? Lets gain pleasure from this life. At least you have girlfriend".
And after she compared me to my ex-friend, who is much more successful than me, i cant live in peace anymore. I feel like worst human being ever. Cant enjoy anything anymore. I changed some of my nerd boring hobbies to more productive things, like sports and learning new language. And i dont feel any joy in it, because i know whatever i do, i will never be as successful as him. So what do i have? Im still trying to improve myself to raise my value, but i dont enjoy this. And i cant get back to my old hedonistic self, because i cant enjoy this either. For example, i tried to play videogames again, i sat and felt disgust with myself, imagined like my ex laughed her *** off "Haha what a loser! He sits in his basement and play those stupid games again. I was so right to betray and dump him!". And then i go into gym and train hard, while my ex still laughing at me in my mind "Just look at you, so pathetic. Trying to get your self-esteem up, ha? No matter how hard you train, no other attractive girl will ever be with you. I was the only one who made this mistake. You will never be as rich as you ex-friend, keep spending money on gym pal"

Why do i feel like i will not find new relationship? Because honestly - i i am shallow person. I just cant force myself to like the girl if she is not physically attractive and smart. Even if i do force myself, i will compare her to my ex and think that i failed to attract better girl. And what attractive and smart girls seek in men? Right, social success, confidence, money, bright life, charismatic personality, financial opportunities and all other things in the list. I dont have it. In fact, im opposite of those things.
So, i have to accept that i will stay celibate for a long time. How to do it without being depressed? I dont know.

My ex had great effect on my identity. Wall in my room was covered with her embroidery and drawing. It was so sad to get all this into trash and now my wall is empty as my life in general. I have two friends, two occasional buddies, family support and some hobbies, interests. But all of those things and people dont create the sourse of happiness and worth to me, because i know what a low-quality life i have. I know what you think "Just get high-quality life, its so easy, just get your lazy *** out there!". I tried, i really tried and failed. Maybe, i will succeed with it after years of struggle, but how can i stop being miserable now, while i still have low-quality life?

All my life i gained peace in nihilistic philosophy. If life has no meaning, its equal for everybody. I though that rich, successful people who have a lot of sexual relations in their lives are not better than me, because they will die meaningless and painful death just like i will. But now, i cant find peace in this anymore. I feel like they are actually better than me. And it bothers me on serious level. I wish i could care less about my existence. Why am i so egocentric? Why am i suddenly decided that my life matters so much that i have the right to be upset about it? No therapist will answer this. I wish i knew how to deal with it.

[divine1966]

Listen I am smart, have graduate degree and some talents and am a good looking woman. Sure I am not a girl anymore, am almost 49 although look younger. BUT neither now nor at any point in my life I was looking for or cared about money or success or looks in men. All I ever cared about are human qualities and primarily kindness.

Where did you get these ideas that smart pretty women are looking for money etc? You don't know women that much do you?

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[Mefisto]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Listen I am smart, have graduate degree and some talents and am a good looking woman. Sure I am not a girl anymore, am almost 49 although look younger. BUT neither now nor at any point in my life I was looking for or cared about money or success or looks in men. All I ever cared about are human qualities and primarily kindness.

Where did you get these ideas that smart pretty women are looking for money etc? You don't know women that much do you?

I know enough to make such suggestions. You might be right and there are women, including you, who don't care about money, but they are minority. I dont even need to prove that, just look at the bestseller "50 shades of grey". This garbage stupid book already made the sales higher than harry potter series ever had. And look at the male character - third part of the book explains how powerful and rich man he is and how she is lucky to meet him. Would the billions of women spent money on this book, if the male character was some poor cashier in grocery shop? I doubt it very much.

[Trippin2.0]

So you think those books are popular because the protagonist is stinking rich? :roflmao:


Read them, you'll change your mind, and if you don't, its because you really don't want to.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Mefisto

I know enough to make such suggestions. You might be right and there are women, including you, who don't care about money, but they are minority. I dont even need to prove that, just look at the bestseller "50 shades of grey". This garbage stupid book already made the sales higher than harry potter series ever had. And look at the male character - third part of the book explains how powerful and rich man he is and how she is lucky to meet him. Would the billions of women spent money on this book, if the male character was some poor cashier in grocery shop? I doubt it very much.

Are you very young? You sound extremely naive and inexperienced. I teach high school but you sound way younger than my kids! Even they aren't that naive! How old are you?

Why don't you devote your time to bettering yourself getting into some nice hobbies focusing on making yourself better rather than wasting your time assuming things and creating fantasies about stuff that is not even true or real

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

So you think those books are popular because the protagonist is stinking rich? :roflmao:


Read them, you'll change your mind, and if you don't, its because you really don't want to.

Lol trippin you crack me up

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