broken heart- did i lose the one?

My partner and I have been together for a year and a month as of 3 days ago. We just broke up. We have been going through quite a bit the last 7 months. On both parts there has be aggression, mean comments and words, anxiety, intense situations, embarrassing fights in front of friends, name calling, manipulation, mistrust. I still love him. He has wonderful qualities and I wanted to have a life with him. I still do. He will no longer talk to me (He's quite stubborn). Before the breakup, we had been talking but everything ends in bickering or ill feelings. He demands sex and talks about it for 15 minutes after fights. This makes me feel uncomfortable. i have been in the wrong many times. I even made the biggest mistake of my life. I never should have done what I did. There was no cheating. No intercourse or kissing other people. He feels i was cheating because i had a friend who 4 years prior had sexual relations with twice and we have chosen to be friends. 2 months ago I stopped talking to this person, however, "matt" demanded to read all the emails we have sent in the last year that "matt" and i have been dating. I invited my friend to camp, while matt was out of town at work. He works 20 days (sometimes more) our of town a month. There were 13 other people going to camp, some of which knew my friend. My friend decided not to come but "matt" considered this cheating. I never told matt because the friend never came. matt says i am liar. Am i bad person? Did i make the wrong decision? I would never cheat on matt. i haven't ever. I feel horrible. I know "matt" is a great person, he makes me laugh, he has the ability to make me feel good about myself, although he also makes me feel bad. Since being together i have been put on Lorazapam, due to the anxiety and panic attacks I get sometimes when we are fighting . I have never been on medication for anxiety before. He has anxiety as well.. I have had depression within the relationship. suicidal thoughts. I have only had them 4 times in my life . 3 was while i was dating matt. I do not have them right now. I am just extremely sad. I feel like i made a mistake and lost a good friend. We tried to make things better for the past 7 months. Sometimes there is progress, most of the time not. I don't know what to do at this point. I love him with all my heart. There is no one else I want to be with. But this relationship can really bring out the worst in me and him as well. please help?

if you put together the con list from just this post i think you will see the reality of this relationship. it does not seem as if he trusts you to hang out with your friends. it doesnt seen like you are misinterpreting the fact he is over reacting to your relationship with your ex's. your returning anxiety is a sign. anxiety is a natural function of the body. it is part of our fight/flight response. we sense danger, we have and automatic anxious response, we fight/flight to protect ourselves. why is yours in overdrive in this relationship? is this healthy for you? and love? i am not a good one to talk to about love. i have seen many people in love and i dont want to minimize your feelings, but i have seen so many people describe it as you do, have break ups and then in the next relationship, that person is the love of their life. i have never understood how there could be so many "soul mates" in one persons life. so while the feelings now seem strong, from what i have witnessed, those feelings will go away the farther out of the relationship you get. many people mistake lonliness for love, just having a person in their life makes them love them cause they cant bear the idea of being alone. so put togehter a pro/con list and see if this is something you really want, if it is really healthy and make your choice from that..take care

Sounds like a really toxic setup, you said it yourself, you two bring out the worst in each other, take my word for it when I say, that's not love...


Love isn't ugly, love doesn't bring out the ugly in each other.


But, I don't live your life and you may just think I'm blowing smoke out my a.s.s, so lets use logic and common sense instead...


7 months out of a year equals majority... You've been going through struggles for the majority of this supposedly wonderful relationship....




If someone is color blind and assumes that red is blue, they will always see blue and believe that what they're seeing is blue, unless someone takes the time to teach them its red, or they somehow become able to identify red for themselves.


You did not lose the one, you just think you have because you don't know any better at this point in time.

Your opening post, certainly raises cause for alarm, with the increase of your depression and anxiety. It's not a sign of a healthy relationship, in a healthy relationship, those symptoms are more likely to decrease instead of increase, yet, I'm only speaking from a personal perspective.

Have you ever researched, codependency?

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Thank you all for replying. I think I am feeling so codependency due to losing a friend. i think codependency was partially in our relationship. However, not to an unhealthy state. do truly love him, I've known him for 10 years but no I don't think the 7 months has been a healthy relationship, on both accounts. I have never had anxiety or depression unless a person has died. This is new to my past 7 months. I need to let go and accept. Hope for the best. Right now , in this stage, I hope one day we are both better people and we come back together. The first 5 months were wonderful and I wish that was what our lives together would have been forever. He's a very nice man. I think that we just weren't on the same page at this point in our lives I guess.

It sounds like both of you struggle to communicate effectively with each other and that you have both probably triggered attachment problems in each other. The person I couldn't forget for years was also a person who 'brought the worst out in me', and I think that - like in this situation - it was because our attachment styles were similar. Both of us were extremely conflict averse so there were never any arguments, but that also meant neither of us told each other when we were angry, preferring instead to suddenly let out that anger a year or more afterwards once we'd split up (leaving the other completely confused as to what the other person was referring to...)

But despite the obvious drawbacks of the above situation I still felt like I had made incredible mistakes and had lost something really important - really I just wanted to resolve traumas that happened in my childhood and I was playing them out in the relationship - and in the breakup - wanting to prove that I was unemotional, competent, didn't have needs etc. because I believed that was the only way to be acceptable to others. Meanwhile, he probably had exactly the same beliefs, because even when I called him out of the blue to split up with him (woke up with a sudden and urgent urge to dump him...) then realised what I was doing, cried, and apologised, he refused to talk about it or be angry with me. This created anxiety for me because I felt I deserved punishment for being so inconsiderate. He will have been anxious that being angry would have pushed me away. See how the two irrational set of beliefs are dovetailing with each other?

It sounds like "matt" believes that his attachments should prioritise him above all others. I've had a boyfriend like that and it's incredibly difficult and stressful. I'm not surprised you felt so anxious.

Believe me that your mind is trying to resolve this in the only way it knows how and perhaps you, like me, cling to scraps of love and forgive all too easily. When this is over, you will look back and realise that the one mistake you actually made was not to leave earlier.

There is someone out there for you that will bring out the best in you and you will bring out the best in them and you will look back and see this relationship for what it was - an incredibly stressful experience that was not fair on you.

I agree with the above poster that some people confuse loneliness for love, but I would add that some people confuse longing for love and they are slightly different. A person who confuses longing may not be the type that feels lonely when they're not in a relationship - they are more likely to feel lonely when actually in a relationship because they simultaneously see a hope for connection and the fact they're not getting it. That longing creates intense emotion that can be confused for love. (Although, yes, there are also those who can't be alone and are in relationships all the time, but I think it's a different set of problems because the two don't always go together).

i am really sad for you and hope all is worked out for the best. I am also feeling the way you are as i yern for the man i love to be home, he and i are not able to do much without fighting and we made agreements to work out thing and seem to forget the agreements made and the only thing i am able to say is to not comprises your self for any one ever. its also the thing i must remember when it all said and done.