[PRIMAVERA101]

Short story, I was a single Mom who divorced a husband who was a free loader. I supported my ex husband with two full time job while he went and obtained his computer degree (which he never used for work but thats a different story). My daughter was a Daddy's girl and it really hurt her when he left and moved out of state. I was successful with my career and was fortunate to have had a flexible and high paying job, however, it was also very stressful and I taught my daughter to allow me to decompress for 30 mins when I came home so I could switch to Mommy role. I was in my daughter's words "the unconventional Mom". She had friends where their Mom drove them everywhere and doted on them and went to all of their activities whereas I couldn't but I took her to trips and vacations but all she remembers is I was a bad Mom. Her father remarried and my daughter has always felt that her Stepmom is cold and had problems adjusting with the situation. I also got married to a wonderful man with kids and I treat them like my own but the ex wife is a different story. My daughter and my stepkids get along very well and my husband treated my daughter like his own.

Anyhow, my daughter started getting into teen age problems and my husband and I decided to move close to where her father lives because we thought she needed to have that relationship to resolve her issues with her father. However, teen age life for her was complicated and she had unrealistic expectations with what she could do and what she was supposed to have. She had difficulty making friends and had difficulty with the dating scene as well. She felt guys her age did not live up to her expectation. She was also constantly trying to impress her father and father's side of the family and always wanted to look her best with them.

Fast forward and my daughter is now in College (18 yo), was living at home and has a boyfriend(1st boyfriend) who is her Boss (24 yo) and who is very disrespectful towards me and controlling to her (he accuses her of cheating on him all the time and checks her cell phone). I, on the other hand have anxiety issues (ever since she was little) if she does not answer her phone or responds to my texts and stays up until she comes home from her dates (which is sometimes @ 0200). A month ago, she went out with the BF and told me she was going to come home early. By 12, i did not hear from her and I was going crazy calling her and texting her and it was only when I texted her that I was going to the BF's house did she finally respond and told me that the BF is going to call the police on me if I went over.

At this point, I bagged up her clothes and told her to leave my home as I could not cope anymore with the anxiety of not knowing where is at and her disrespectful behavior towards me. She told me that she was going to live with her father anyways so I texted her father and told him that she is now his responsibility. For one month, I did not try to contact her and I was actually relieved and felt reprieved from my anxiety because she was no longer under my wings and I was comfortable and reassured that she is safe with her father.

Forwarded to present time. My daughter has begged to come home and even asked my husband to intervene which he did but I told her it would take some time to rebuild our relationship and rebuild our trust so I told her I will meet up with her for dinner. So we met up twice for dinner and she told me during 1st dinner that her father physically assaulted her because she came home past her curfew but then said during 2nd dinner that she and her Dad made up and everything was good. So I asked her why she wanted to come back and she said because now that I am not stressed out, that I am a good Mom and she wants to experience that because when she was little, I was always stressed out so I was a bad Mom. So, I told her she could come home but to think of how she is going to approach her father because he will get hurt and will get mad. This was Friday.

Sunday, I texted her to see what time we were supposed to meet because we were supposed to meet at midday (her words) so we could get her phone screen repaired and she tried to tell me she told me in the evening so i told her never mind because the store is closing at 4pm (she was with her bf). Anyway, an hour later, I called her to see if she wanted to go on a trip with me so I could get her airline tickets and she was not answering her phone. So this triggered my anxiety and I was texting her and calling her for three hours asking if she was ok until i finally texted her father that she is not responding to my text and calls and if she was ok. Her Father texted me right back and said he just got a text from her.

At this point, I just remembered all those years of game playing she has done where it drove me to uncontrolled anxiety and I went into a rage and told her she could never come back home and texted her father the same.

She called me Monday pretending she left her phone in the car (with laughter in her voice) as she has done many times in the past and I tore into her verbally and I told her to never call me or text me. I told my husband what happened and told him I cannot have her back because this game that she plays will drive me insane.

She called my husband and actually fessed up to my husband that she did not answer my texts and calls on purpose to teach me a lesson. She also told my husband that I am controlling and I was a bad Mom when she was growing up and she was actually doing me a favor of coming back to the house so I can have the opportunity to be a good Mom because I have been good lately since I have not been stressed out. And told my husband that all she has to do is make me feel guilty for being a bad Mom and I will let her back into my house.

My husband explained to her that its not gonna happen and that her behavior has caused me massive anxiety and I feel relieved that she is now her father's responsibility. I texted this to her and her father as well.

Her father has texted me back stating that I was a bad Mom and I still am a bad Mom.

Now, understand that I am very very hurt and I have been crying all day and all night because it finally dawned on me that my daughter was playing me all this time.

So, now that you have the short, long story, if I am such a bad Mom, then the best thing I can ever do for my daughter (whom I was willing to die for and I am still willing to die for) is to stay away from her and let her be with her father.

If I am such a bad Mom like she and her Father accuse me of, then, they should be thankful that I am willing to stay away, no contact. I want what is best for my daughter if that is what is best for her the I will stay away.

I guess I just needed to tell someone this (I am crying as I am typing).

[sideblinded]

PRIMAVERA101, You sound very much like a good mom who cares about her daughter very much. We just cannot change the behaviors of our loved ones. I am sorry that you are hearing such awful things being said by your husband as well. Take a deep breath and realize that the control is not in your hands. You can still love her but not play her games. If she gets you to cry then she is winning.

Welcome to PC. we have some really supportive people here. Contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help in navigating this site. Regards

[Confusedinomicon]

Therapy may help with creating boundaries that will allow you to have a relationship with your daughter on your terms. She may believe that you are bad now, but there may be a time where she legitimately wants you back in her life.

I work with teens and unfortunately they don't always understand or want to accept love and don't understand why rules are put in place. I was also kind of like this when I was in high school and I know I hurt my mom's feelings. It took a few years and some distance for me to realize how much my mom actually loved me and for me to seek out a relationship with her.

((Hugs)) I couldn't imagine the pain you're in. <3

[kipper-bang]

I really hate that sentence "You are a bad mother". No one can ever fully explain to a woman why they are branding her this way. You are not a bad mother !!!

You are a mum who has done her best to be both a mum & dad to her child. You are a great mum because you found work and a great career to support your child and show her that women can be independent and raise a child. She sounds like a typical spoilt teenager who wants everything her way.

I can guarantee that when your daughter grows up and starts her own family she will understand completely what you went through and how well you managed your life. The main advice I would give is that do not stop contact with her. While she lives away from your home try and call once a week for a general catch up. Include her in any holiday plans you have. How she responds to this is her problem - not yours.

She is growing into a woman and will test you as much as she can. It happens in most families. Girls love their dads (even the useless ones), and boys love their mothers.

Daddy's Girl & Mummy's Boy. We all know those expressions. Also do not insult her boyfriend. I remember that the more my mum hated my boyfriends, the more attractive they seemed to me and I could not see their faults. Her eyes will open one day and she will see what you do. So keep communication open from your end as one day she will return. best wishes. x

[connect.the.stars]

Thank you for sharing this. I have to think a bit and process my thoughts before I reply with further insight. I was in a similar situation with my parents and my older sister, so just letting you know that I can relate to your story and maybe we can both learn from the experience you have shared.

Don't lose hope. You are not a terrible mom. Saying that is like condemning yourself for being a human. We are allowed to be human right?

Take some time to cool off. Go for a nature walk. Put those sad thoughts to rest and revisit it later upon reflection. I know it's harder to process things when emotional. Hang in there!

*hugs*

[healingme4me]

My first thought was that lip service, such as titling a parent that cares, as 'bad' is subjective and out of the mouth of someone not getting their way.

What mom, doesn't stress? And then to have her father, whom she confessed was physical with her, say the same? Incredulous.

You uprooted your life, when she was younger, so she could be closer, to her father. That's placing her needs above your own. So what, you couldn't be a sahm, doesn't mean you weren't looking out for her welfare. Job paths ensure security, regardless of what it is/was.
I like the idea of touching base, weekly. Even, if one sided. Let's her know you are there. She's an adult now, no law states you must provide for her, financially.
Sad, that she doesn't see her bf, through your eyes. But just step back, let go.



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[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you have a tumultuous relationship with your daughter. I have found there are not bad mothers or bad daughters, but abrasive and unworkable relationships. Unfortunately your daughter has not matured enough to face her own stuff. Maybe some day she will. Meanwhile it is time to focus on getting healing for yourself.

You are not alone. There are many nice, caring people here. Feel free to private message me or any community liason by left clicking on their name underlined in blue to the left of the post and selecting Send a private message to .....[their name]

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