[lolovintage74]

I am confused! I recently split from my husband after finding out that he has been using porn, dating websites and webcams again. This isn't the first time that I have caught him. He begged for my forgiveness and promised me that he would never use them again but he never stopped. I feel like our whole lifetime together has been a lie. I thought that we were so happy together. I was in a love bubble and never saw this coming. I feel disgusted that he would risk our beautiful family for a life of porn. Although he swears that he hasn't cheated on me with an actual person, his emails from these dating sites prove that he wanted to, even if he didn't actually meet up. The email that I read he was asking for her postcode. We have had many arguments over this. He has admitted that he has an addiction and is finally getting help, attending saa and is on anti depression meds and is starting counselling this week. My life is in such turmoil at the moment. I can't eat, sleep or stop crying. He came over last week and one minute we were crying together, the next, I was snogging his face off which has completely freaked me out. I hate him but I also love him with all my heart. I thought we had a fantastic life. I am attentive and take care of his needs. He was my soulmate and now I don't know where to turn. I am ashamed to tell my best friend my feelings as I know she would be disappointed with me. She picked up the pieces the last time he did this and hates him now with a vengeance. Kissing him again has turned my head upside down. How can I have done this when I hate him so much. I come across as this strong minded woman but in fact I am needy and pathetic. I AM SO CONFUSED!

I can understand that you are hurting. I have been in a similar situation (only my ex did actually cheat) and it hurts like hell. You go through swings of emotions you cant understand because the love you bear for the person. You want to hate them with every ounce of your soul but cant.

The good news is he is taking the steps to seek help for his addictions. This alone shows that he has feelings and wants for the relationship just as you do. He wouldn't go that route if he didn't care about your marriage. I think that if you want the marriage to try and work, I suggest baby steps with caution to protect your own feelings. It may even do good to be separated for a little while so that he can work on his addiction. If you don't feel in your heart that you can ever forgive or trust him again, it might be best to let go. A relationship built on lies, deceit and hatred will only lead to more troubles.

[~Christina]

You should find a therapist, you need help to process everything he has done, it will help you decide if you really want to be with him and find out if you really can trust him again. You will never forget what he has done be you can forgive him for it, if you decide to stay in the marriage.

Of course he needs to keep up his end and continue with getting himself help and I would say I would want and need to see proof that he is indeed capable of being faithful and respectful.

I'm sorry your hurting... Find yourself a Therapist and for now, Just worry about feeling better and having some control over your life as right now your just scattered.

I do think you need some time apart , No visit here or there.. Just a total break from seeing him. Being physical with him right now is only going to make things harder for you.

Welcome to PC

[toolman65]

I would suggest Al Anon for you. Even though he is a sex addict and not an alcoholic, the Al Anon program will be of help for you. I believe right now you are having difficulty separating the addiction from the man you love.

Even if you don't go to a meeting, google "al anon literature" and have a read. Substitute the word porn for alcohol and see how it goes.

As for the whole snogging thing, forgive yourself. Feeling ashamed over this does nothing, it happened, you made out with your husband.

Stay in contact but meet at a public place, that way, if you feel yourself weakening, you can leave.

[nievenancy]

Feel for u completely...hours after I knew my husband cheated with me... we were at it like rabbits.. I've read about emotional bonding and i think that's what it was. Bc i hated hated him too. We've since reconciled as he was diagnosed bipolar but now there's a whole different set of problems..porn is a huge issue we've always had. I feel after so long of looking looking it's looking it's only a matter of time before they act on it. I really really suggest going to a counselor. I am.. but we r at the point we need couples counseling too so he understands the impact of his actions. Hugs to u sweetie I hope u get the relief u deserve. Remember take care of u as hard as it may be.. i ended up in the hospital and I have children i need to think about so that was my motivation to try to eat/sleep and never feel embarrassed to cry- u deserve to, love.