I am sick and depressed and angry and tired and frustrated that I have sent my son information about Borderline Personality Disorder and he doesn't even take the time to read it.

He's fed up with angry outbursts. If he read the information he'd know why but he won't read it and it fuels my anger. I'm stuck in a never-ending black hole.

I have always been there for my children as far as emotional support and now when I need him he doesn't care enough to try to understand.

I'm so fed up - no one has tried harder than me to explain but it doesn't matter what I say. I have poured out my heart for years and all he says is don't be negative. He has tried very hard to understand emotional problems of others but not me.

My mood is not anxious - i don't know how to change it MY MOOD IS FRUSTRATION & ANGER & SADNESS all rolled into one.

Really bad things happened to me when I was growing up and there was no one there.

Today as an adult nothing has changed, my life is one long never-ending lonely aching black hole.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT MAKES ME DIFFERENT why does everyone else but me deserve to be loved and cared for.

I wish so bad I could kill myself but religious concerns keep me from it. I don't know if I was bleeding to death in front of my son if he would care.

I'm so tired of caring about everyone like I always have done but when I need help EVERYONE HAS TURNED THEIR BACK ON ME.

I'm so sick of everything.

I don't know how to change my "mood" but it is not anxious. My mood shifts by the minute from despair to anger to hopelessness to frustration and overwhelming sadness. Those are my moods, my unacceptable moods.

I went to the extra effort of mailing him information about BPD i thought surely he would read it but I guess he didn't. So I feel like his frustration with my anger is TOO DAMN BAD. He's made no effort to figure out what's going on he's just willing to accept that I've changed, no concern why, he's fed up.

He said today AT THIS POINT IN TIME I DON'T CARE. (My son is 47 years old)

Anger is a part of BPD anyway but who would not be angry to try so hard to explain I might as well BE TALKING IN GREEK or some other foreign language.

If I slit my wrists in front of him would he maybe wake up.

I have been there for the past few years especially with a problem he's had with his son I can't tell you how many hours trying to help and but now he doesn't have even one minute for me. I'm hurt and angry and frustrated.

its one thing not to be understood because you won't communicate but what about when you try really hard and its just A WASTE OF TIME

[Trippin2.0]

Fun fact #12529:

Understanding from a neurotypical is a myth.


It's about as real as a unicorn who shyts sparkly rainbows, but luckily I figured that out pretty quickly, so I stopped chasing that train years ago.


Just like I can never understand my aunt who's had a double mastectomy because I've never had cancer, nor had my breasts chopped off, nobody offline understands what its like to live inside my head. Nobody.


Not even the professionals, all they have is a book with lists, a list does not understanding make.


And that's perfectly ok.


I've learned to aim at a different angle


Acceptance...


Accept me as I am. Accept that there are reasons I behave and feel the way I do, accept that my level of control waxes and wanes. Accept that I'm doing the best with what I've got. Accept that these monsters are mine and will be along for the ride.


We can't force anyone to accept nor wait for them to understand, we may as well spend our time waiting for santa or the tooth fairy.


Seems like you need a cooling off period. Find ways to channel your anger constructively (cleaning, singing etc, whatever floats your boat) instead of perpetuating this cycle with your son.


Practice opposite actions,for example, when I want to textually harass my bf and spew venom via fingertips, I pause, breath, and choose to switch off my phone and put it in my cupboard instead.


Been practicing for two years and its still not easy, but the results are more satisfying than an unnecessary argument, a break up or a broken phone.


And the results is the reminder, the incentive, to keep at it, no matter how tempting it is to give in to my nature.


First take a timeout, then decide what to do. Our (BPD) worst enemy is often action before any actual thought process has occurred.

[Agentfyre]

It's very good insight to know about your own issues with borderline personality disorder. A lot of what you've written here actually falls in line with how borderline can affect someone.

For example, you've written how your son hasn't taken the time to understand how you feel. This is tricky, because he likely feels the same way, but a person with borderline will have difficulty seeing the consequences of their own actions and instead will shift blame to others. But the problem is that it has nothing to do with who's fault it is. The reality is that you are hurt by your son's actions, and he is hurt by your actions. Instead of trying to get your son to do what you want him to (like understand you or read your information on Borderline), try to understand him and why he may not be comfortable with doing that.

It's very possible that he's hurt and holds resentment over things in the past. The best thing to do is try to empathize with him, and show him that you're willing to invest in him. It won't fix things over night, but if you hold a lot of anger toward him, he'll sense that, and it'll be difficult for him to trust you with his feelings.

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress so far, keep trying, you're doing a great job. It'll take time, and likely a lot of hurt, to heal the relationship. But you have our support here. I hope you find this helpful.

[Agarwaen]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Fun fact #12529:

Understanding from a neurotypical is a myth.

It's about as real as a unicorn who shyts sparkly rainbows, but luckily I figured that out pretty quickly, so I stopped chasing that train years ago.

Just like I can never understand my aunt who's had a double mastectomy because I've never had cancer, nor had my breasts chopped off, nobody offline understands what its like to live inside my head. Nobody.

Not even the professionals, all they have is a book with lists, a list does not understanding make.

And that's perfectly ok.

I've learned to aim at a different angle

Acceptance...

Accept me as I am. Accept that there are reasons I behave and feel the way I do, accept that my level of control waxes and wanes. Accept that I'm doing the best with what I've got. Accept that these monsters are mine and will be along for the ride.

We can't force anyone to accept nor wait for them to understand, we may as well spend our time waiting for santa or the tooth fairy.

Seems like you need a cooling off period. Find ways to channel your anger constructively (cleaning, singing etc, whatever floats your boat) instead of perpetuating this cycle with your son.

Practice opposite actions,for example, when I want to textually harass my bf and spew venom via fingertips, I pause, breath, and choose to switch off my phone and put it in my cupboard instead.

Been practicing for two years and its still not easy, but the results are more satisfying than an unnecessary argument, a break up or a broken phone.

And the results is the reminder, the incentive, to keep at it, no matter how tempting it is to give in to my nature.

First take a timeout, then decide what to do. Our (BPD) worst enemy is often action before any actual thought process has occurred.

How I wish I could do these things consistently. Great advice.

Accept me as I am. Accept that there are reasons I behave and feel the way I do, accept that my level of control waxes and wanes. Accept that I'm doing the best with what I've got. Accept that these monsters are mine and will be along for the ride.


We can't force anyone to accept nor wait for them to understand, we may as well spend our time waiting for santa or the tooth fairy.


Seems like you need a cooling off period. Find ways to channel your anger constructively (cleaning, singing etc, whatever floats your boat) instead of perpetuating this cycle with your son.


Practice opposite actions,for example, when I want to textually harass my bf and spew venom via fingertips, I pause, breath, and choose to switch off my phone and put it in my cupboard instead.


Been practicing for two years and its still not easy, but the results are more satisfying than an unnecessary argument, a break up or a broken phone.


And the results is the reminder, the incentive, to keep at it, no matter how tempting it is to give in to my nature.


First take a timeout, then decide what to do. Our (BPD) worst enemy is often action before any actual thought process has occurred. __________________

I need what I have always needed and what it has always been wrong to hope for or need or want.

What I should do is finally accept my mother was right and deal with it.

The problem is I love my family very much but no one will ever know.

I probably try harder than most people do, not sure but from what I know

I try hard and yet those who don't try are as you say accepted as they are.

Obviously when I am screaming at someone I am not trying hard for them to see I love them.

But I get angry because no one cares.

And yes I can't make someone care but I also can't make me not care that no one loves me.

No one accepts me as I am

I am supposed to be wind up chatty cathy doll

Is there any other disease where people hate you so much for having it.

My son and I finally agree on something. We both wish I was dead.

How I wish I could do these things consistently. Great advice. __________________
"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

~Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

I'm waiting to see someone who has some other disease that's not MENTAL just accept GOOD ADVICDE no one cares chill out deal with it. Even AIDS patients get hugs because its the PC THING TO DO in our "enlightened world". There are 2 people its okay to hate today - fat people and people with emotional/mental problems. I'm not fat but I have empathy for them anyway. Tell me some other disease that saps the life from you that are ignored or forgotten or wished dead. No they have someone to rally round them and cheer them on. Mostly I have I guess a bad attitude by now. I was always supposed to be perfect. To treat others with care and compassion even though I was instructed to believe I had no right to the same. Nothing much has changed all my life I just understand a little bit better why I feel so bad. Before I didn't know how to say anything and now that I do it actually makes things worse..

I guess what I feel like is a leper. But I can't make anyone love a leper I realize - I must always consider others -

I even had a psychologist that told me I couldn[t kill myself because it wouldn't be fair to my kids.

What a conundrum. You feel like crap that no one cares. But if you think about taking an early exit you can't do that JUST LIKE ALWAYS have to BE NICE.

[Agarwaen]

Originally Posted by TrixE

How I wish I could do these things consistently. Great advice. __________________
"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

~Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

I'm waiting to see someone who has some other disease that's not MENTAL just accept GOOD ADVICDE no one cares chill out deal with it. Even AIDS patients get hugs because its the PC THING TO DO in our "enlightened world". There are 2 people its okay to hate today - fat people and people with emotional/mental problems. I'm not fat but I have empathy for them anyway. Tell me some other disease that saps the life from you that are ignored or forgotten or wished dead. No they have someone to rally round them and cheer them on. Mostly I have I guess a bad attitude by now. I was always supposed to be perfect. To treat others with care and compassion even though I was instructed to believe I had no right to the same. Nothing much has changed all my life I just understand a little bit better why I feel so bad. Before I didn't know how to say anything and now that I do it actually makes things worse..

I guess what I feel like is a leper. But I can't make anyone love a leper I realize - I must always consider others -

I even had a psychologist that told me I couldn[t kill myself because it wouldn't be fair to my kids.

What a conundrum. You feel like crap that no one cares. But if you think about taking an early exit you can't do that JUST LIKE ALWAYS have to BE NICE.

I can relate. I had a psychiatrist tell me, after I had told her I was having suicidal thoughts and was desperate, that she had no empathy for me.

What??? Blew me away. I realized then I had been labeled, categorized, put in the correct folder, and then treated exactly the way they labeled me from then on. For a little more context, I was having trouble with Clonazepam, and she was a former drug counselor. She immediately went all NA on me. I didn't have any issues. I was just an addict.

Label applied. Notes made. Remarks. Sent on to all my other docs. Some times, even when desperate, the consequences of opening one's mouth can be huge.

Frustrating. And since then, things have seemed pointless. I won't get SSI or disability. I can't work. I'm stuck in the box with no escape.

THAT can get very, very depressing.

Originally Posted by Agarwaen

I can relate. I had a psychiatrist tell me, after I had told her I was having suicidal thoughts and was desperate, that she had no empathy for me.

What??? Blew me away. I realized then I had been labeled, categorized, put in the correct folder, and then treated exactly the way they labeled me from then on. For a little more context, I was having trouble with Clonazepam, and she was a former drug counselor. She immediately went all NA on me. I didn't have any issues. I was just an addict.

Label applied. Notes made. Remarks. Sent on to all my other docs. Some times, even when desperate, the consequences of opening one's mouth can be huge.

Frustrating. And since then, things have seemed pointless. I won't get SSI or disability. I can't work. I'm stuck in the box with no escape.

THAT can get very, very depressing.

It's sad/scary thinking there are people out there like that with such little empathy. I can well imagine it gets old hearing other's problems day in and day out but if that is the case and they can't find any empathy in their hearts any longer then it would seem to me they ought to find another occupation. Disability - it hard to comprehend how the rules are applied. I sometimes think its a matter of luck to some extent who gets your file or if they've had a bad day or row of their own at home. I have been where you are "stuck" with little or no options and no sources of help to rally round you. Without knowing your situation and details its hard to fully fathom the extent of your problems with SS. If you are a single person (no mate to pick up the slack) I'm not sure exactly how they expect someone to survive during the process of applying for disability. Doesn't seem quite right to me because if you're working it disqualifies you but your trying to get by, or if you're not working unless you have a fairy godmother there are things like food and rent that keep coming no matter what. I wish I had an answer for you. Right now my head feels as though its stuffed with cotton balls as I have come down with pneumonia but I am better than I was but not as good as I should be. Haven't been doing anything that didn't have to be done. I hope you find a solution so that you no longer feel trapped.

[Agarwaen]

Originally Posted by TrixE

It's sad/scary thinking there are people out there like that with such little empathy. I can well imagine it gets old hearing other's problems day in and day out but if that is the case and they can't find any empathy in their hearts any longer then it would seem to me they ought to find another occupation. Disability - it hard to comprehend how the rules are applied. I sometimes think its a matter of luck to some extent who gets your file or if they've had a bad day or row of their own at home. I have been where you are "stuck" with little or no options and no sources of help to rally round you. Without knowing your situation and details its hard to fully fathom the extent of your problems with SS. If you are a single person (no mate to pick up the slack) I'm not sure exactly how they expect someone to survive during the process of applying for disability. Doesn't seem quite right to me because if you're working it disqualifies you but your trying to get by, or if you're not working unless you have a fairy godmother there are things like food and rent that keep coming no matter what. I wish I had an answer for you. Right now my head feels as though its stuffed with cotton balls as I have come down with pneumonia but I am better than I was but not as good as I should be. Haven't been doing anything that didn't have to be done. I hope you find a solution so that you no longer feel trapped.

If I didn't have some help, I don't think I could hang. But needing help is cause for many low feelings, in and of itself. Makes me feel ashamed of myself. But when I balance it out, I'll take the help.

The situation with psychiatrist came out of nowhere. I was on the edge, and I had told her the previous visit that was trying to taper off Clonazepam. So this time, suddenly everything is different. She kept telling me she couldn't give me Clonazepam. I kept saying 'I am not here for that.' And 'I know.' But the final thing she said to me was 'I'm still not giving you Clonaz.' I looked at her and said 'No kidding. I never once asked for any.' She said 'Why did you respond that way?' I said 'because that's how I interpreted what you said.' (???????) Then she says 'time is up' and gives me trazadone to help me sleep. As we head toward the door together, she turns to me and says 'You know, I have NO empathy for you.'

(Unsaid) Umm. What? I wasn't asking for your empathy, I was asking for your help. I felt like I was on the verge of doing the undoable, and all she could think was that I was there for 'Clonazepam.' I was totally baffled at the entire session. I kept wondering what these people were doing if not trying to help and save lives?

Sometimes, that method of growing a thicker skin is off the hook. Funny thing. My anger and indignation was such that I decided to live, just to spite her. Even went back to another session. To get my refills. I don't say much anymore. Tell her nothing. Therapist is cool, though. Night and day.

I wonder if I am bipolar. These mood swings are outrageous. They don't go from good to bad. They go from ok to very bad. And back. I am getting extremely sick of it.

Just my 2 cents.