[octoberpumpkin]

I want to get married but my boyfriend is not ready yet. I do respect that. But some of the conditions he has won't be for a very long time and it's stressing me out. And one of his conditions is not until my son moves back in with us and I have no idea when that will be IF ever, since he is so happy and stable with my mother and she's taking better care of him than I can. And it's enough stress and pressure trying to move him down without adding it as a condition of marriage.

I'm sad. I feel ready and this is the only time with anyone I've felt ready and I'm sad to learn that not only will I not be getting married any time soon but it won't be for years and years. I want to respect that he isn't ready but I don't know I'm just very sad. He's great and supportive in almost every other way and he's been understanding and working with me on my mental health and supporting me and he does make me happy. So this isn't like a deal breaker because having him in my life is a huge positive. I'm just sad about this.

[Rose76]

Do you and your boyfriend live together? It sounds like you do. Often men who live with women see no reason to marry them. They are getting most of the advantages of marriage without the commitment of marriage. I don't respect that.

Basically, he is keeping his options open by not marrying you. That is not respectful of you, since he knows you want to get married. The stuff about your son has nothing to do with anything. He's just throwing that out there cause he can't think of anything better.

Respect should go both ways. Stop being so concerned about respecting someone more than you respect your right to pursue what you want in life.

[avlady]

i agree with Rose 76

[octoberpumpkin]

I know that's not true at all. He's been very honest with me about his feelings and how he treats me and what he is/isn't ready for. He's been honest about what his hang ups are and what he expects out of the relationship. He's treated me with great respect. I don't really think it's fair to say that and I 100% trust that the reasons he gave me are the real ones. His main one is finances because he wants to give me a stable marriage and the wedding of my dreams, which he can't right now because he just bought us a house

A man trying to keep his options open does not buy me a house or a cat or spend money to travel to visit my son and get him presents and try to make things work with my mother who has some serious issues or brings me to all of his family dinners or has his mom calling me so we can go shopping and stuff together and get to know each other and doesn't introduce my son to his family and agree to officially adopt my son if he moves back in with us.

He isn't where he wants to be in life right now and he wants to wait until he is before getting married since his last marriage ended up with them being scammed out of over 100 000 dollars for a house and a bunch of other stuff. I'm just sad I have to wait because I don't know how long it will be until he is where he wants to be (making more money and finished school)

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by octoberpumpkin

he just bought us a house

He bought himself a house. (He allows you to live in it.)

You're right. He has financial reasons for not marrying you.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by octoberpumpkin

I want to get married but my boyfriend is not ready yet. I do respect that. But some of the conditions he has won't be for a very long time and it's stressing me out. And one of his conditions is not until my son moves back in with us and I have no idea when that will be IF ever, since he is so happy and stable with my mother and she's taking better care of him than I can. And it's enough stress and pressure trying to move him down without adding it as a condition of marriage.

I'm sad. I feel ready and this is the only time with anyone I've felt ready and I'm sad to learn that not only will I not be getting married any time soon but it won't be for years and years. I want to respect that he isn't ready but I don't know I'm just very sad. He's great and supportive in almost every other way and he's been understanding and working with me on my mental health and supporting me and he does make me happy. So this isn't like a deal breaker because having him in my life is a huge positive. I'm just sad about this.

Why is one of his hold outs your son moving back in with you ? I'm kinda confused on that one. It just seems "odd" to me .

[Bill3]

I don't know how long it will be until he is where he wants to be (making more money and finished school)

These goals are not sufficiently specific to be relied upon. How much more money? How dedicated will he be to school?

I wonder if he would agree to marry in a certain period of time.

What are his other conditions besides son moving in (which sounds like an unusual condition, I agree with Christina), making more money, and finishing school?

And that word conditions: It troubles me. I wonder what is really holding him back.

Are you saying that he had to pay $100,000 as part of the divorce settlement?

Are you a co-owner of the house?

[JJBX]

Well, do you really need to be married? I mean, I can see how you would take it as some sort of vague assurance that the relationship is "official", but it sounds like your feelings are already pretty well-established and being married isn't really needed. I'm also not quite understanding the terms he has. I don't know why it would necessarily matter that your son is living with you at the moment? Maybe he wants to feel more emotionally invested in the family aspect?

[Cris80pitt]

Don't be sad. As you said, he is there for you and supportive. So why to force marriage? If he is such a good person, marriage will not change anything, so give him more time and wait for him to be ready. You are lucky to have him and enjoy the time you are spending together. There is no reason for sadness so get rid of this feeling.

[octoberpumpkin]

He paid the $100 000 for the house because it turns out the realtor was a scam artist and their house payment went up much higher than was agreed upon and they got the house taken away

He wants to wait until my son has moved in because he wants everything to be stable first. Part of that is for me because he knows how much I hate instability and I've been moved around and abandoned a lot in my life, evicted, blah blah. He wants everything "set" and stable. So him having a good job, being done with school, me figuring out what to do with my mental health issues, if I'm going back to school, a decent amount of savings in the bank, and not the indecision about my son and his living conditions

Yes I am a co-owner of the house. Him, myself, and his dad (because his credit is shot from the previous house incident). The house is paid outright and has no mortgage or anything. We were watching a show the other day about wedding planning (guilty pleasure of mine, reality TV) and he looked sad and said he wishes he could give me a nice wedding like that instead of something cheap.

I want to get married because I just feel ready and I want a nice celebration in front of friends and family. I never had a prom or graduation or heck even birthday parties when I was little and I want to celebrate something important to me with people I care about

[Bill3]

I am glad to hear that you are a co-owner of a free-and-clear house.

I think it is fine to want to get married, for the reasons you state, and for stability, and for financial protection.

he wants everything to be stable first

If one waits for "everything to be stable" one will never get married! There is no such life where "everything is stable". I think that marriage can be looked at as a commitment to be stable for each other in the midst of the surrounding instability. It is also protection for each other, particularly for a person who is not working outside of the home or who is earning considerably less money than their partner.

[Rose76]

Wise words from Bill3.

[octoberpumpkin]

I don't think he realizes that. he grew up in an environment where the worst problem he had was his dad got angry easily. Not abusive, just short tempered. He had everything he wanted, heck he had an expensive go-kart growing up, a loving and supportive family, friends. I couldn't eat sometimes. I didn't have a home sometimes.

Now he feels terribly insecure because he's in his mid 30's and life is not perfectly stable like it was when he was growing up. He's never had to face that before. He doesn't make a ton of money but he does make enough that we can pay our bills, buy our food, and still have some leftover for hobbies. He still gets to go racing. He has his family help him buy a house. He has a stable job. He gets to go to school almost free because of his G.I. bill. He honestly does not understand when I tell him how good he has it. He doesn't know because he's never had negatives in his life in the way I have.

He thinks he's poor and worthless because he hasn't graduated from university yet by his mid 30's and he hasn't been able to save for retirement yet. But there are people out there who work 2 jobs and still can't save for retirement and who can't afford hobbies like we do. But it's hard for him to understand because he grow up where finances were never even moderately a concern. Where family was always loving and supportive. Where he had good friends. He got to go on trips every few years to Europe and had his parents buying race cars, regular cars, trailers, boats

I don't know how to explain. He makes nowhere near what his parents made and that's what he measure himself on so he feels like a failure. And he beats himself up that I'll have to get anxiety meds and start working a job (even though it gives me panic attacks) so that we can have better savings and support a child. He wishes he made enough that I could be a stay at home mom and because he can't he thinks he doesn't make enough money. It's hard for me to show him that he has it really good compared to a lot of people

EDIT: I'm sorry, English is not my first language so I am not sure how clearly I'm communicating. This is the low point in his life, basically. A nice 3 bed/2 bath home in a decent neighbourhood but not having money for trips to Europe or buying a 3rd and 4th and 5th car is the low point for him. It's the best I've ever had but it's different because of how he grew up

[Bill3]

Maybe he can't be convinced that he has it really good, but maybe it would help to keep reminding him that you want him for him, whether or not everything is stable and whether or not he makes more money?

[octoberpumpkin]

I can try to do that more. I've told him before I don't care how much money he makes, I just know it's a sore point for him. I should probably try more to express that