[MadKitty]

Hello again!

what would you have done if this were you?

i started a new job just over a year ago, i needed a change and this one was welcome. As I just found out I was pregnant as well.

I am very friendly by nature and ppl always misread this to be flirtatious. A colleague of mine (much older, could even be my father) we were always the first to arrive at work, took this time to have our coffee and sandwiches together…

After about 2 months – he started hugging me, the kissing in my neck, rubbing my hair, the “oh baby, babes” calling started! etc...i explained to him on several occasions that i did not think it was appropriate to being doing so, as i am married and i am Muslim as well. I then went to my superior and told him about his. just to get clarity and to let him know what is happening. He then asked me should he lay a sexual harassment charge against this person, i said no. i will have another chat to him. My superior then explained to me that this is not the first time someone has come to him about this guy and told him about his “over friendly nature” he always apologised to the person and said it will never happen again!

A few days later the chat happened. i then told him, i respect him as a colleague and a friend and i dont want our friendship to be soured by what i have to say....

he then apologised for his behaviour and said nothing will dampen our friendship.

this happened over a month ago and to this very day he is still not talking to me - greets me and slams his door (which is directly opposite me)

i would like to tell him to stop acting childish and stop sulking as this is not the first time this happened with him. next time his apology will not be taken so lightly
!!!

you had a chance to take action against him and you didn't.

ignore him. you're wasting previous energy worrying about him not talking to you and slamming his door. he's obviously a predator and will stay one.

detach him his problems and move on. xoxox pat

[bebop]

I agree with pat on this one. you did the right thing. maybe if I had found out though that he had had previous complaints I would have pressed the sexual harrassment case

[Juliana]

He is acting extremely childish. His behaviour towards you at the office was totally unacceptable... and now he's sulking because he got called on it. It sounds like he's passively aggressively trying to get a reaction from you... trying to make YOU feel bad. Don't give him that satisfaction. Try not to let it bother you. You did the right thing. I probably WOULD have filed a sexual harassment claim against him especially since he has done the same thing to other women and didn't learn his lesson, but that's just me. You did what you felt was right at the time.

He did something wrong and you did nothing wrong. His romantic overtures towards you were unacceptable and unprofessional and his current behaviour is unprofessional too. It's only making him look bad. That's on him.

"I am very friendly by nature and ppl always misread this to be flirtatious."

From this comment, it sounds to me like you might be putting part of the blame on yourself for what happened. Please don't blame yourself. I am a very friendly person too. We have every right to be friendly people. Reasonable people understand that friendliness in a professional setting is just that -- friendlinesss. It is NOT an invitation for hugs and kisses. His behaviour towards you was completely inappropriate and uncalled for. You didn't ASK FOR IT by being friendly.

Try not to waste any more of your time thinking about him. He's not worth your energy. He needs to grow up and learn how to have respectful, professional relationships with female colleagues.

[Robyn222]

Hey, the guy is retaliating towards you for not going along with his little rendezvous. Say people, this slamming doors and being like this is hardly legal. I say consult an attorney. You got yourself a case.

[sabby]

Being nice and letting the first problem go may have been the way to deal with his unwanted advances. But when he makes for a "hostile" work environment by being rude, childish and completely inappropriate in the work place, he should be called on the carpet for it. If the boss keeps him around, the boss can also be up against some issues by allowing the harrassment to continue. And that's what all this is....harrassment!

Trouble with people like him is, very very rarely is it their 1st time of harrassing when they do it to you. Everyone says, ok, I'll let it go and it doesn't happen again. So along his merry way he goes, getting his kicks whenever and wherever he can and never having to accept the responsibility for his behavior.

If his behavior is now bothering you, then complain again and demand from your boss that he handle the situation. If he refuses, then go to the Human Rights Commission in your state. They would be happy to investigate this slob.

I know its not a fun thing to go through. It's a lot of stress and worry. I tend to believe that I would rather go through that then to hear of him harrassing another unsuspecting person and getting away with that one too.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works well for you and that things settle down!

Best of luck to you

J

I'm a very friendly person also and I have and 18" space that is mine. And if you don't know me well, you'd best not cross that line. What he did was sexual harrassment and now he's moved into harrassment in the work place.

You have a choice on what to do. Ignore him and pray that he'll forgt you or turn his *** in.........xoxoxo pat

[MadKitty]

thanks for the advice guys, i have told my boss - that i have warned him twice already - 3rd time he aint gonna be so lucky. management does know about this, i have mentioned it to them, just in case this happens again - i have record of all accounts.... i also heard from my boss, that the previous lady laid a charge against him, but nothing came of it. as he apologised to her. then i told my boss, the next time round his apologies wont mean a damned thing!!! on a daily basis, my boss would ask me about his behaviour and would say the same thing!!! still childish....

[Wants2Fly]

I was once involved in a sexual inequality complaint against a large corporation. It went on for years and eventually I dropped it. When recommendations are handed out, all the current employer has to say is, "Well, she's a bit of a troublemaker." Or, "likes to shake things up." Something vague and subtly coded.

I had a hard time getting work for years after I started that suit. People will say you are protected, including the people at the EEOC, who are overworked and have little ways to protect complainants for this kind of invidious blowback.

You might try to get int touch with the previous complainants to build a class action suit.

I'm sorry to say that I do not have faith that legal action will benefit you more than it could potentially hurt you.

[Maven]

I'm with Pat. I'm very friendly, too, but I will not tolerate sexual harassment. Depending on the guy's (or gal's) actions, I will either give a warning, or immediately report him, or file a lawsuit. I don't consider being asked out sexual harassment, unless I've made it clear I'm not interested, and the person continues. If he's getting "in my space," he'd usually get a warning. But if he's touching me inappropriately, kissing me, or trying to coerce or force me into sex, I'm going over his head and probably filing a lawsuit--especially if I don't feel appropriate action is taken by the management. Kissing on my neck like you describe is crossing the line by far!

As others have stated, and even your boss, this is not the first time he's been reported. Your boss probably spoke to him, which might be why he's so angry, rather than simply your rejection (although that certainly is enough for some guys, too). This is a man who needs serious action taken against him. He will continue victimizing women if someone doesn't do something. He obviously doesn't think much of women, because he doesn't respect them.

MadKitty, I'm glad you've made it clear you won't tolerate him doing this again. In the meantime, let him be a miserable jerk, as long as he doesn't use it to harm you in any way. If he does, tell your boss immediately! Good luck to you.

[Maven]

Wants2Fly, you have a point, too. I've heard of such things many times. Makes me furious, because the victim isn't the one who did anything wrong. How many times have we heard of young girls and women being raped, and the rapist is popular and perhaps athletic, and she becomes the bad guy, even to other women? But I still say to take action, because sometimes, things do go right, and the perpetrator needs to pay for what s/he's done.

[MadKitty]

thanks W2F - this is just the reason why i dont want to go further with it.....in my previous job there was a racial discrimination suit happening and nothing came of it. the girl resigned - to this very day she still doenst have a job and that was 2 yrs ago....so its kinda scarry how our legal systems work.....be it here in South Africa or be it in the UK/US whereever - things are just way to messed up....

he actually thinks he is gods gift to women, his wife and i are actually good acquintances and i cant believe that a man with such a woman would want another......she is amazing!!!!

some men, not all are real B*&tards...sorry but its the truth....

my hubby is not impressed...but he says to me - "luffy i know you will make the right descion and should you feel its getting way to much for you, then i will step in..."

[Wants2Fly]

I will tell you one thing I have used when I was younger and men actually expressed interest (I guess that's one good thing about getting older!) -- I would say in a semi-joking way, "I wonder what your wife would say if she knew about your behavior."

Beneath the joke is the subtle threat that I can make this behavior known to the wife rather easily. Of course, that only works if the jerk is married.

[Maven]

I agree with W2F.

[MadKitty]

hehehehe - never thought about it like!!!