Losing an Ex and a Friend

So, I guess I should just probably start.

My issue, if you want to call it that is that the girl I want to be with is with someone else. That in itself sounds simple enough, I mean you just except it and move on right? Except that for the majority of my adult life this girl has been a massive part, I’m 27 now, I’ve known her since we were both 18. We’ve had a relationship in the past, being honest throughout the close to 10 years we’ve known each other we’ve had an on an off again relationship. We’ve not been together for two years but up until recently, let’s say about 2 months ago, we did everything together. She’s been my best friend, confident and companion for a very long time.

I’ll not go into the nitty gritty of why we broke up in the past, I mean it’s in the past, you should be able to grow up and get better? At least that what I always told myself, I knew the reasons we had problems but I’d only make changes for a few months then old habits would creep back in again. I needed to grow up, I still probably do. I’m not taking the blame for the whole relationship, there are two people in them but I know where my faults are and I know I need to work on me.

She told me last week, that she’s met someone and it’s been going on for around a month or so. It just sort of happened, it wasn’t planned…you just have to go with it. And I’m ok with that, at least I keep telling myself I am, I have to be, she’s my best friend and if she’s happy then I can’t hold that against her. Except it’s one of those things where (and I’ll use an example)

We are sitting chatting on a Saturday, everything’s going great. We joke, we have fun and I turn and tell her ‘You know, this is why I’d never want to find anyone else when you’re so awesome and perfect.’ And I meant it, I just felt like a fool a few days later. I know you can’t help how you feel and you can’t help how someone else feels but it is really bringing me down this time.

I told her I hadn’t really thought about her in a romantic way for a while, I couldn’t tell her if I still had feelings for her or not. And it was true, except when the reality of ‘I’m seeing someone’ sets in, it gets you thinking. It starts those cogs turning and if anything, that’s what’s killing me. I still looked at her and felt the same feelings, that I did when I first saw her when I was a bright eye’d 18 year old. Its never changed.

I guess at the core, and just typing this out, trying to put everything into words is at least giving me some direction and thought. I don’t want to be replaced, it’s what I’ve always felt, its sucked for the last month or so because we used to be so close. Curling up on the couch watching the walking dead was easy and enjoyable. I miss the contact we had, it wasn’t sexual, it was comfort? Security? Are those the words? I accept, I may not like it but I accept that we can’t do that stuff now.

Please don’t think this as me painting her as the devil, she didn’t use me while no one was around nor have I felt like that. I guess I’m just afraid I’ll lose my best friend, I’ll lose the most significant person in my life and the one person who I’ve been inseparable from for so long. I’m not looking to get her back or steal her away, that’s not it at all. I’m not living on the ‘well maybe someday in the future’ nonsense, it doesn’t help and it doesn’t change the right now. But forgive me for admitting that I really would do anything to have her back...i just know what I have to accept.

I feel like I have just rambled on and not really said anything lol. I’m just in a really dark place at the minute and the one person I could and used to talk to is the one person I can’t now. And it sucks. I’m trying to get my life on track, I’ve made so many empty promises to her that I’m only in this situation because of me.

I guess I could just use some advice? Guidance? Clarity? Anything..

hi siuk
i think you said it here I guess I’m just afraid I’ll lose my best friend, I’ll lose the most significant person in my life and the one person who I’ve been inseparable from for so long. it may not be that you are really hurting that you want her as a romantic partner, i dont really pick that up. you guys have tired that and it hasnt worked. but the idea of her not being there at your "beck and call" (and i dont mean that in a mean or sarcastic way), its hard to handle. she has been such a big part of your life. you rely on her being there for you when ever you have needed her but with another man in the picture, you know he will come first. and that hurts. no more calling and having her anytime because she may be with him. that is a big loss. perhaps you should discuss it with her and let her know your fears so she is conscientious about not shutting you out as she becomes more involved in this new relationship. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

It's a tough situation to be in. Although the 'romantic' relationship dwindled, you were still inseparable. It's truly the equivalent of a committed relationship, without the commitment, if that makes sense? Of course, you'd placed yourself in the mindset that it wasn't permanent, yet, all the talks, cuddling on the couch watching movies, etc. still existed.

Although, you've been technically available, in reality you've been unavailable because a 'best friendship' of that magnitude doesn't leave time nor energy. And also, without space between, healing and growth from separating is a slow process, if not a backpedal.

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I really appreciate your comments guys, it felt a lot better to at least get something out there.

I did speak to her last night about the situation, amongst just catching up as friends. I know how she feels about the guy, she said she hasn’t been this happy in a long time, so I’m happy for her. I have to be because I can’t begrudge her happiness. Sure it’s not the situation I want but I can handle it even if there are going to be a few bumpy steps along the way, I expect that.

I was honest with her and said that what sucks in this situation is that I see her as family, and its more than just romantic feelings, it’s the connection we had that was special and yes I feel like with another guy coming into the picture that it’s been taken away from me.

Maybe its part jealousy as well? I’m jealous that she has seemingly found that one thing I only really had with her, she said there was an instant connection with this guy, like she’d known him for years...and it kind of snowballed from there. Which is exactly what happened with us. I can’t count the times that I’ve had a letter from her or something like that, where she called me her soulmate and I think it was the last time we were together that she said she ‘KNEW!’ after all this time that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. But it dwindled, when it shouldn't have. I don’t shoulder all the blame but we were young and needed a lot of growing up, which has really only happened in the last year and ½ maybe? Its sort have become a thing with me of getting things straight to late.

It’s very difficult to imagine life without her, nor do I want to imagine a life where I am hanging on the maybe and what if’s? I'm trying to sort me out for me, to long have I been trying to do things for her, and when it doesn't happen I just end up disappointing her and giving myself that bad image of always making promises I don’t keep. Everything happens for a reason as they say.

If we’re meant to be, life will find a way, if not? I will use feeling to grow stronger and finally push myself to get my life together and finally make those changes I wanted, but for the right reasons.