[CarefulHands]

My husband and I have been together 10 years (married 5) and have 2 young kids. We went through a period 2 years ago where we couldn’t resolve some major conflicts, and he agreed to start marriage counseling on my request. It helped us get past the crisis point, but he didn't really commit to the process. About a year ago, we "took a break" from counseling due to financial trouble and haven’t been back; I was more motivated to return than he was, and I eventually dropped it.

We get along fine most of the time, but I don't feel as connected to him. I used to be more of the pursuer in the relationship while he was more emotionally withdrawn. A lot of stuff got stirred up in counseling that was painful for me, and I was motivated to work through it, but I felt stonewalled when I tried to talk to him. Over the last year I think I’ve slowly pulled away and started numbing out.

Lately, he has started making more effort to reach out to me, and has mentioned that I seem distant. I appreciate that he's trying, but I'm struggling to connect. At times I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I still enjoy cuddling and hugging, even sex, and I can enjoy a friendly conversation with him. But when I feel emotionally vulnerable, I’m more likely stay across the house busying myself than reach out to him. I don't like kissing anymore, and often find myself avoiding eye contact with him. I don't like seeing photos from early in our relationship anymore, which I used to love.

I know relationships have ups and downs, and we have days when I feel closer to him than others. I care about him, he's a good person, he's a good Dad to our kids and he's kind to me. I want our relationship to work, but I don’t know how to fix the emotional disconnect. Has anyone been able to reestablish intimacy in their relationship after feeling like this? What can I do?

[Bill3]

It took time to pull apart and it will take time to reconnect.

He has taken a step or two towards you. Perhaps you could do the same towards him.

Continue to act in ways that demonstrate and foster closeness, and perhaps the feeling of closeness will recur in time.

[healingme4me]

Reading about counseling stirring things up, for you combined with feeling 'numbing' and staying away when feeling vulnerable reminded me of a friend, years ago, mentioning depression coming on strong as she'd started therapy. It was old emotional wounds that were suppressed. Seeing a doctor helped, so she could continue forward and make progress and even marital reconnect.



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[Rose76]

You're talking about a big, vague generality that you call an "emotional disconnection." My guess is that there is something a lot more specific and concrete that is bothering you. Perhaps, it feels too personal to go into on a public thread.

It sounds like seeing the therapist, as a couple, was really important to you. It also sounds like you resent your husband's lack of interest and avoiding of continued therapy. Something about therapy seems to have made you feel affirmed. What change did you think that therapy might bring about in your husband that you were hoping for?

[hvert]

I wonder if he would be more interested in counseling at this point?

[CarefulHands]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice.

Rose, I think I may have over-condensed my post; I could easily write way too much so I was trying not to go overboard. I also wanted to avoid being unfair to him since there are two sides to every coin. But here is my perspective. I know it's long, but it's still "the short version," haha.

During counseling, I realized that throughout the relationship I've often felt emotionally unsupported when I needed to lean on my husband. Instead of empathizing, he would minimize my experiences, invalidate my feelings, criticize how I was coping, and shame me for trying to get my emotional needs met, frequently saying that he "wished I was a stronger person.” ("Be a stronger person" = "stop having so many feelings, or have the decency to stop bothering me with them.") In addition to acting superior, he could also simply act too self-absorbed to be bothered. I can give examples if it helps but for the sake of brevity, that's the gist of it.

He did a little individual therapy around the same time as our marriage counseling, (as did I,) and I think that both types of therapy helped him become more aware of when he was being insensitive, which he has been working on. He used to say things that were hurtful and refer to it as "honesty." When I told him I was hurt, he would say he refused to lie to spare my feelings, and accuse me of being too sensitive. After his time in therapy, he says fewer insensitive things and will usually apologize if he says something hurtful, instead of blaming me for being hurt.

Our T focused a lot on helping him get in touch with his own emotions, which he was extremely cut off from. He used to tell me regularly that he never feels anger since he is a logical person and knows that there's "no point" in getting angry. Of course he did get angry, because he's human, he just didn't acknowledge it and it would seep out in hurtful, passive aggressive behavior. Because he was so cut off from his own feelings, especially the "bad" ones, (fear, sadness, anger, etc.) he could also be very judgmental of me when I expressed a range of emotions.

He has made some progress in that area, too. He is still limited in expressing his own feelings, which is hard since I connect most naturally through hearing from another person about who they really are and how they feel, and sharing who I am and how I feel. To me, knowing who you really are and sharing that with another person are key to intimacy. When I want to talk to him about my feelings, sometimes I feel like he is "there" with me more than others. At other times, I feel like he is trying to say the right things, and can't always go there emotionally with me, but I appreciate the effort. But there are also times when I feel totally tuned out, and like he can't be bothered. This is really hurtful and it reopens old wounds.

I still have trust issues from times when I felt alone during moments of intense pain when he was not really “there.” I still have trouble feeling free to open up to him and not fearing judgement or stonewalling. The step we were about to move into in counseling was all about addressing wounds from the past, forgiveness, etc. I think working through the past was what I needed right then, but outside of counseling I don't feel free to try to have a dialogue about it.

tl;dr: I think couples counseling could help me to forgive and learn to trust him again. I also think it could help my husband get more in touch with his emotions and his sense of empathy, which may help him to be a more genuine, caring and trustworthy partner.

[CarefulHands]

Originally Posted by Rose76

It sounds like seeing the therapist, as a couple, was really important to you. It also sounds like you resent your husband's lack of interest and avoiding of continued therapy.

Yes, I think you're right.

[CarefulHands]

Originally Posted by hvert

I wonder if he would be more interested in counseling at this point?

I brought it up not too long ago. He said he would be fine with it once we're out of credit card debt, but would want to go to a different T. He liked our T but wants to see someone without any religious affiliation. It's good to know that for now, he doesn't have anything against going to someone. And it makes sense to me to wait until we're out of the hole, too, it's just kind of hard in the meantime.

ETA: I realized that saying that "I dropped it" (referring to counseling) in my original post may have been misleading. I brought it up regularly for a while, then dropped it for probably 6 months. About 2 weeks ago, I asked again when we were talking about how we both felt distant. I guess I'm worried that even if we do eventually go back to counseling it could be too late, so that's why I posted. Just feeling stuck.

[Rose76]

When did it seemed like something changed? You knew this man for 5 years, before deciding to marry him. So you must have once thought that he met your needs. When did that not seem true anymore? Was it related to kids coming on the scene, or something else?

Of all the men that you could have "pursued," you selected him. You selected him for reasons. I don't believe that people's basic natures change. But along the way you discovered that what he has to offer doesn't mesh with what you'ld like to get, and you got real dissatisfied.

I fell in love with a man who drank too much, but I still wanted him. After living with him for 7 years, I came to believe I'ld never know happiness living with his level of heavy drinking. I got tired of being the one who made sure the rent got paid. So we're living apart now, but still close emotionally. He did eventually stop drinking, but there's always been issues that disappoint me. I tried couples therapy, but he didn't seem committed to the process. He went to pacify me, and you can imagine how little that accomplished.

Try and see when your view of the relationship changed. What was going on that made his inabilities start to seem very hard on you? The inabilities weren't new, but your level of dissatisfaction was.

It's tempting to hope that input from a third party will help the dynamics in your favor . . . that the T can get him to see things as you want him to. Meanwhile, he sees this as an alliance formed against him. He probably doesn't want to spend sessions hearing about how hurt you were in years past, when this happened or that didn't happen. But it feels so good for you to get it out, especially with an objective validator sitting by. I don't think money is what really made him stop the sessions. He probably didn't feel he was getting that much out of it. So he may go again, but only to a different T, who he hopes may be his ally.

Somethings we have to fix ourselves, or accept as unlikely to change. You secluding yourself at the other end of the house is you giving up on interacting with him. Do you ever try getting mad at him, when he denigrates you for not being strong? I think fighting has an actual constructive role to play in relationships. It's messy and upsetting, and I can see why one might avoid it. But I don't know that you can contract out to have work done on the relationship. And it is costly. Maybe paying the bills you've already wracked up is an appropriate priority. (I sometimes think that Suze Ormand gives out the best marital advice.) Examine how thise bills arose and what that says about the ability of you two to collaborate responsibly. Maybe one of you, or both if you, has been spending money to substitute for getting mire out of the relationship. I know I did that Big Time, and so did my guy. I went out to wine and dine myself, whenever I was mad and hurt and frustrated. I also ran up bills seeing pdocs and therapists . . . because I deserved a better life. They never helped much.

You don't sound ready to give up on him, so maybe collaborate with him on the finances. Maybe go to a consumer debt counselor and agree on an austerity plan.

Getting back to my original question, could it be that you two started to grow noticeably apart around the same time that the finances began getting out of hand? Putting your heads together on money matters might be a productive exercise in closeness. Make a goal and talk frequently about how you are progressing. I have noticed that close couples tend to be very hand-in-glove about their finances. Give it some thought.