[Ozisl]

So this has been my past decade. Stretching back all of these years, my life has changed... well, it has not changed. In any way. But I miss people.

Even assuming I could overcome severe agoraphobia and paranoia that keeps me from going out and IC that prevents travel... I am at a complete loss to meet people - partly because I see the cliff in any forming relationship with telling people about my psych issues and having them... cut off, hurt, unable to deal. Thankfully my clozapine destroys my libido... but I'd kill to even actually love someone, even if it is unrequited. Just to feel something for another individual. Even if it isn't romantic.

Yet no one can understand how hard it is to go out, how afraid I am constantly. I do the NAMI groups, but there is just nothing there. No connection. No one has overcome my fear of them. Not since I left college, where you're by definition surrounded by people you have to contact - but there is no way I could go back to that environment.

It isn't just hard for me to meet people from anxiety, but I get paranoid, I feel that they judge and would harm me... especially that I would just be a waste or a weight on their lives. Who would put up with so much that I have wrong.

I'm pretty close to giving up on people entirely. It seems like the only place I can feel comfortable is inside my walls on my computer where people are kept far away.

[possum220]

Hiya.

I live in Australia and I do not know what a NAMI group is. If it is psych sensitive, would they have the names of other groups or activities that you can attend? I found it helpful to go for a walk to get myself out of the house. That then led to meeting a stranger who volunteered at animal rescue near my home. Then I ended up volunteering there.

Do you have a hobby that has a group you could get involved in? Then you could be around other people but have something to do which may lessen your anxiety.

Just even being outside may open up your world. Are you able to keep an animal? They make great companions.

Hope you can find something that helps.

Heya, I don't have much to offer other than to say I can relate almost entirely. I've been doing the same thing for about 6 years - almost housebound save the occasional post-midnight shopping trip and appointments and a handful of responsibilities as a caretaker. Isolated so far there isn't really even family left.

I've grown probably a good 80~90% content with only having myself for company in life but the rest of the time there is that occasional desperate loneliness... I'll seek out people in the area but knowing that I'll have to admit to and be judged for my issues at some point after contacting them (I have in the past a couple of times, it didn't end well because I require a lot of patience), I just kind of run away before anything ever begins. I tell myself I'll find a person/people to share with when I'm 'better', but better never really comes. Like you, I don't really care if it's romantic. Even a platonic partner for mutual support and to split the load (financial, acceptance, mutual support) would be more than welcome. But getting to that point is hard and it seems like online fantasy rarely pans out.

Anyway, not to highjack your thread. Just wanted you to know that as lonely as you are, there are people dealing with similar issues, hiding out in their own little safe space, having similar thoughts and feelings at similar times. Not sure it's any comfort, but I feel some relief seeing this. I posted something a bit of a vent like yours on another site once but I don't think they quite understood housebound/major introversion (which is fine, I don't blame them). I got suggestions like going to bars and making poker friends and couldn't help but feel even more small and isolated after reading them. The only thing I can say is hang in there and if nothing else, try not to take your own company for granted until you feel well enough to branch out - or until others branch out to you.

[peaceseeker63]

Originally Posted by Ozisl

So this has been my past decade. Stretching back all of these years, my life has changed... well, it has not changed. In any way. But I miss people.

Even assuming I could overcome severe agoraphobia and paranoia that keeps me from going out and IC that prevents travel... I am at a complete loss to meet people - partly because I see the cliff in any forming relationship with telling people about my psych issues and having them... cut off, hurt, unable to deal. Thankfully my clozapine destroys my libido... but I'd kill to even actually love someone, even if it is unrequited. Just to feel something for another individual. Even if it isn't romantic.

Yet no one can understand how hard it is to go out, how afraid I am constantly. I do the NAMI groups, but there is just nothing there. No connection. No one has overcome my fear of them. Not since I left college, where you're by definition surrounded by people you have to contact - but there is no way I could go back to that environment.

It isn't just hard for me to meet people from anxiety, but I get paranoid, I feel that they judge and would harm me... especially that I would just be a waste or a weight on their lives. Who would put up with so much that I have wrong.

I'm pretty close to giving up on people entirely. It seems like the only place I can feel comfortable is inside my walls on my computer where people are kept far away.

Have you ever tried meetup.com? There are actually meet -ups for people with anxiety, depression, social anxiety, etc. So you would be surrounded by people who get you, without having to explain. Hope you can find someone to connect with!

[Ozisl]

For some reason, Meetup has very little around here. The closest one, I did try two outings, but they were really jumping into the deep end (especially for a "social anxiety buster" group) in making trips to karaoke etc.

It is just.. I can't stand being around people. I feel their eyes, I panic and get afraid, then I create pure hatred for them and run away. I can't even imagine a situation where I would get to know people. Where I would meet them, or be able to stay around long enough for a conversation. I can't do conversations. I refuse to use phones because my brain runs at high speed and I get caught up.

I guess what I really miss from college... 15 years ago... before diagnosis and meds... you can't really withdraw too much. Also, people more in academic tastes.

[Yismymindblank12]

So I've going through this too except I fear people will hurt me if I get them too close I'm afraid of people that way so instead I want them to harm me. So I get a form of attention and pleasure. I just read something about being emotionally neglected. I guess that's why I'm sidelined. I'm damn terrified of feeling having feelings for anyone or if they have feelings for me. I get scared of hurting them and I'm afraid of never being good enough. That I have to work hard to get a second of happiness feeling accounted for loved and cherished that I exist.

I go as far as going through really brutal harmful stuff just for someone else. I should do better but idk what I should if I'm not doing that anymore. Relationships scare me friendships scare me, I don't trust my dog anymore. Like the ****.

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by Ozisl

For some reason, Meetup has very little around here. The closest one, I did try two outings, but they were really jumping into the deep end (especially for a "social anxiety buster" group) in making trips to karaoke etc.

It is just.. I can't stand being around people. I feel their eyes, I panic and get afraid, then I create pure hatred for them and run away. I can't even imagine a situation where I would get to know people. Where I would meet them, or be able to stay around long enough for a conversation. I can't do conversations. I refuse to use phones because my brain runs at high speed and I get caught up.

I guess what I really miss from college... 15 years ago... before diagnosis and meds... you can't really withdraw too much. Also, people more in academic tastes.

Do you feel smarter than others and the fact you can't relate in anyway shows the relationship isn't worth it. That they'll all leave you at some point?

[Ozisl]

Yea, I'm always terrified that people are going to attack me.

Do you feel smarter than others

Well, at college I was average at best, but here, no one even knows or cares about academic topics.

That they'll all leave you at some point?

I'm actually not that concerned about that. Like I said, even if I had unrequited love, I would be better off. Anything. Crumbs of relationships. Anyone i don't feel afraid of and resent.

[Ozisl]

Feeling like I am just a waste... money, time, resources, medications...

[Yismymindblank12]

I agree with that in my situation is turning into that.