[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Don't know how to start, but... I no longer know what to do in this situation.

I've been chronically ill and disabled for several years, and live with others in a state that I'd call charity case. (That background is important -- that, and I have neuropathy, which means I have trouble feeling things on the floor with my feet and sometimes lose my balance. I also have asthma.)

A few years ago, I was somewhat less mobile than I am now, and also more cognitively impaired, in that my short term memory was worse than it is now (it's still not right) and I had lots of 'brain fog' and couldn't think clearly.

As time has passed, I've slowly improved. Not normal, by any stretch of the imagination, and still too dysfunctional to work. But as I've improved, I began to get bothered more by the state of the household I've been living in because I began moving around more, and stepping on stuff underfoot, and bothered by more things because they were now in my face (whereas earlier, I spent most of my time in the bedroom).

I've asked others to please pick up after themselves, hang up wet towels, get dirty clothes in the hamper, and in general, keep the place tidy but it falls on deaf ears. I've said it's a safety issue for me, and I don't want to trip over things in the middle of the night on the floor, or in the day if I lose my balance randomly. I've also pointed out that wet towels tend to mildew, and molder, and then it can affect my asthma. On top of that, I've said that I find a messy place depressing, and keeping things organized improves my mood.

All of my requests to help keep the place clean do not matter. I ask people to clean up after themselves, and they say "uh huh" or "sure" but they never get to it, even though it would take their able-bodied butt a few seconds to do it.

If it's something that can affect my health negatively, I eventually end up hanging up the wet towel, etc. but it's physically hard on me, takes me longer to do, hurts, and leads to more fatigue. Then the other person might get upset, and ask, "Where'd my towel go? You moved it", and I explain why. But there's never any change in behavior where they decide independently to hang up their own towel before I get to it, even though I'm slow and don't even get to it right away.

A friend suggested that I be passive-aggressive, and just stay in my room and not lift a finger to pick up anything. After all, it hurts me, and no one appreciates my efforts, and they seem to be upset when I touch anything at all. I told them that doesn't help me any, as it makes the house more unlivable for me as a whole (lessens my independence, because using the kitchen and bathroom would get harder) and would set back any chance of my improving my health back because even the small amount of movement I get each day is better than being confined to the bedroom all the time.

If I did zero picking up, it wouldn't get done. No one here seems to care, really, how clean things are except me.

What I do here is minimal compared to what many people do in terms of household tasks. I can handwash a load of dishes and it often takes me all day. I can wipe crumbs off a counter and make coffee. I don't mind it, mostly, because I want to contribute to others, and repay them for their charity. (And then, as I've mentioned, I hang up wet towels and pick clothing off the floor.)

No one here ever vacuums or dusts or cleans the toilet/bathroom, or does any of the 'heavy' cleaning a lot of people do. They actually hired someone to come in once or twice a month to do these things, because they hate housecleaning so much. But inbetween these visits, things can get very messy, and the housecleaner doesn't do anything about piles of stuff or clutter -- she just cleans around them.

I really don't want to think what this place would be like if there was no housecleaner. I think it'd be pretty scary.

I'm not sure what to do. Not sure how to offer others incentives to pick up after themselves. And I'm feeling physically hurt when I do these tasks, even if they're small - and emotionally hurt because I feel unappreciated for the effort I make. It leads to resentment.

And... there's anger here and depression, because those who live with me do not understand that it is many times harder for me to do what they could do in seconds -- if only they'd just do it and not complain. I'd be overjoyed to be able to work and/or go to school, and have no problem cleaning up the house with no complaint if I were a normal, healthy person. But I'm not.

Someone might suggest I move out. Before we go there, two things: I'm not in a position to move out, and love someone who lives here. I'd like to find a way to improve matters without considering that path.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and are in pain. I know that this must be pretty hard on you. Really, the only thing you can do besides the options you dont want is communicate with your housemates about how you are unable to do all that is expected of you. If they cannot understand then you may consider having the doc discuss your limitations with your household.

[healingme4me]

Just wanted to lend my shoulder for support. Not quite certain how to instill in others a sense of orderliness. I like the idea of talking with your doctor.

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[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, and reading all of it.

I don't think it would matter what my doctors would say. As it is, I'm told by someone in this household "It's okay, I see you getting frustrated cleaning up after us and that you're in pain. You don't need to do it. Rest."

The message I get is to just not pick up after anyone. But the problem is they do not pick up after themselves.

A doctor would have to convince the rest of the household of the need for the house to be organized and clean, and that they need to do it -- not me. It's a hard sell.

I'm thinking suggesting therapy might be next.

[~Christina]

Are you in Therapy? If not you should , it would help you learn ways to commnicate maybe in a way the others would understand better?, or if they are still unwilling to step up and be more tidy you can learn ways to work around the fact they are slobs, you are not and how to keep yourself safe.

What does the person you love have to say about this situation? Will he/she go around and at least move potential hazards out of the way for you a couple times a day ?

I suggest you get a cane and when you walk about the place just use the case to push things aside. Sure that isn't going to be a very acceptable solution , But if you can't or won't move , your options are limited.

I'm sorry I hope a sensible solution can be agreed upon with everyone living there.

[abysmal]

i do understand how it feels to be deemed passive aggressive & the entire "charity case" vibe as I've been called so, and interacted with as such before as well. the thing is, considering what you're dealing with in terms of neuropathy, well I don't know, the thing is, people do not understand the magnitude of what you feel. I don't know, in my experience, when those who are "well," or in "good health" read/hear expressions of illness, they have nothing to refer to beyond a common ailment which passes spryly.

quite simply they do not know how it feels, and of course, taking an empathetic stance would be ideal. do not compare yourself to them, you are yourself, you are unique, with, or without those ailments. wherever you are, it should be understood that you are not able to physically endure as much as the average person without causing yourself pain. it should also be understood that dust is harmful to you.

there should be mindfulness, no, you are not a charity case, you are a human just as they, please don't be angry.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Are you in Therapy? If not you should , it would help you learn ways to commnicate maybe in a way the others would understand better?

Thanks for reading, Christina. Yes, I just started seeing a new therapist. We haven't even gotten to discussing this issue because we're still in the 'collecting backstory' stage. But I'm sure I'll get on this topic soon.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

or if they are still unwilling to step up and be more tidy you can learn ways to work around the fact they are slobs, you are not and how to keep yourself safe.

I've tried that, and the best I can do is keep the area around my bedroom clean so at least that stays more or less the same. However, even if do this, there's still the rest of the house to deal with, such as kitchen and bathroom.

There's only so much working around I can do against other people's actions, too. If moldy towels sit around too long, it triggers allergies and asthma. If someone leaves a small item on the floor at night, and I walk out of the bedroom to go to the bathroom and step on it, then that can create problems. I may not even feel it, it can cut me, then I'm bleeding (risk of infection, plus more mess). And then there's the psychological effect... I find living in a place that's a mess depressing, and my mood improves at least somewhat if the place I live in is clean.

The psychological side of this is just as important to me as the medical, even though some people might not see it that way. I can get very depressed and there's some history behind why a messy place might be worse for me than others.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

What does the person you love have to say about this situation? Will he/she go around and at least move potential hazards out of the way for you a couple times a day ?

I think they don't understand why certain things are a problem -- even if I've explained why it is. And that's a problem in itself... I think after a while I get tuned out when it comes to certain things. Including some rather important issues. (This is one reason I think perhaps therapy for both of us is in order.)

They'll move something onnly if they see something as a direct hazard, such as something big blocking a hallway and I need to get past. Usually something that'd be a problem for them, too. Items left on the floor are generally not something they bother with and just step over it. I can't always do that.

And a huge chunk of time, I'm the only person at home all day. If I don't move something in my way, there's no one else here to do it, anyway.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I suggest you get a cane and when you walk about the place just use the case to push things aside. Sure that isn't going to be a very acceptable solution , But if you can't or won't move , your options are limited.

Nods. I already have a cane and can do so. I agree my options are limited.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I'm sorry I hope a sensible solution can be agreed upon with everyone living there.

Thanks and thanks for the hug.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

Originally Posted by abysmal

i do understand how it feels to be deemed passive aggressive & the entire "charity case" vibe as I've been called so, and interacted with as such before as well.

I don't want to be passive-aggressive. A friend suggested that I be so anyway, but I didn't like the idea. I'd like to resolve issues head-on.

And I don't like being the "charity case" at all. Not when I used to be so far from it. I earned good money and had a career when the bottom fell out. And I was helping others.

Having little to no control over even the smallest aspect of my life right now is aggravating. Beyond aggravating, it's depressing. And thing is, if others around me made just a few minor changes, a few small accommodations, it would make my quality of life and mood better.

I get upset and resentful that others near me -- who either are younger and have their whole lives ahead of them or who are able bodied and still have a career and can physically and mentally do a lot more than me -- aren't willing to do make minor changes that would not cost them much time or energy.

I mean... crap, I've had my entire life turned upsidedown and lost almost everything. And I appreciate having a roof over my head and my basic needs met. I really do. I don't want people to think I'm not grateful here.

But this is my entire LIFE we're talking about here.

No one can relate to the shoes I'm filling right now. And it hurts.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

the thing is, considering what you're dealing with in terms of neuropathy, well I don't know, the thing is, people do not understand the magnitude of what you feel. I don't know, in my experience, when those who are "well," or in "good health" read/hear expressions of illness, they have nothing to refer to beyond a common ailment which passes spryly.

Yes. THIS.

The most anyone else in this household has had to endure is surgery. Some of it major surgery, though -- and it did take a few months to recover from. But at the same time, they did recover.

I've been living with what I'm dealing with for several YEARS. There's a time when I, too, would not have been able to relate to my own situation either. So I'm aware of that, and try to keep that in mind. But at the same time, I keep thinking anyone from the outside looking in, realizing what I had and what I lost, would try to do more to accommodate certain things... Especially when there's some evidence that doing so can help me get back to doing more -- not less -- with my life.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

quite simply they do not know how it feels, and of course, taking an empathetic stance would be ideal. do not compare yourself to them, you are yourself, you are unique, with, or without those ailments. wherever you are, it should be understood that you are not able to physically endure as much as the average person without causing yourself pain. it should also be understood that dust is harmful to you.

Agreed. But how do you get others to understand? And not only that accept it's really the case? I often get the vibe there's a certain amount of denial here. I think having an invisible disability is part of why. Is it entirely why? I don't think so, but I'm not sure what the rest of it is.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

there should be mindfulness, no, you are not a charity case, you are a human just as they, please don't be angry.

Yes. And... well, I am a charity case, even if I am also human. If I weren't here now, I'd probably be able to couch surf a little while with a few friends. But that can only last so long. I think I'd eventually be out on the streets. Which I don't really want to contemplate.

I am angry about being in this position. If things did not happen the way they did, I'd be in a very different place now. Physically and emotionally.

I know s*** happens and there isn't much I can do, what's past is past. I do need to blow off steam about it now and then. But I also know I'm here, and have to live in the present, and make something of the life I have now.

I'm trying to make the life I have now better. Some days, it's not even really better but I'm aiming for tolerable. And that in and of itself is a depressing prospect, when I used to aim for finding more ways to bring joy into my life.

There hasn't been much joy here in a long, long time.