[Wiffle07]

My girlfriend just moved out on the 7th but left the house on the 1st after a massive fight. She wouldn't talk to me just said she is moving out. She waited until Friday to tell me it's over and that she was leaving the next day. Last year we broke up for a month but weren't living together at the time and I did everything I could to make amends with her and rekindle the relationship. Things were going really well until i hit my head and spiraled downward. We moved in and had some smaller disagreements but nothing that could not be worked through or taken care of with a hug. She wanted me to cuddle her more and show more affection but I was having so many mental issues with my head I couldn't do anything but concentrate on my health. We started arguing more in December when she told me she was going on a trip to Italy to a friends wedding in August that I was not invited to. I was hurt and didn't know how to deal with it so we just argued over really dumb stuff. It finally came to a head and she left. There was no real closure but I feel that she made a quick decision because of this same friend that had a hand in Us separating last year (its also her wedding). I love this girl with all of my heart and I know she feels the same. We went to counseling last year and it helped a ton but I lost my job and she is in graduate school and i didn't have the money to keep paying. She said she didn't want to talk to me when she left, but her mother was crying and so was she. I just read a book called my name is hope that really changed my view on life and my trajectory. I really want to reach out to her, but I don't know if I should. I think that even if we don't get back together, counseling would be really positive for some closure. Any advice on what to do or how to do it would be great! I had thought about making amends with her friend and family first but I don't know how to go about it. I just sent her mom a bday card and she wrote me back saying I was in her thoughts and she hoped I was ok. So again any help or advice would be amazing!!

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi Wiffle07

Thank you for introducing yourself here to us at Psychcentral.

I am glad that you have joined us.

This is a great place to be for online support.

I am sorry to hear that your girlfriend left after an argument. And that there seemed to be little communication in this regard as you said "she won't talk to me".

It's extra hard if you have been living together.

I can understand how you would be hurt because you were not invited to this wedding.

And there is this need for closure, I think that this can be a normal response at the end of a relationship. You may not be living together in the same proximity but your love has not diminished.

I really can't advise as to whether or not you should reach out to her (simply because I just really don't know based on what you have written how she feels).

But I think that if you are still having these strong feelings, yes, please consider getting in contact with her as an option, if this is what you wish.

It will be baby steps at first.

I would imagine that if she has moved out she would have formed her reasons as to why this was the best decision.

So it's about figuring out what it is that she wants to have addressed.

And working with her on this.

I hope you are able to work something out.

And find some peace of mind.

[Wiffle07]

Thank you for the advice. Its hard to ask people what to do because each situation is specific to each person. I am looking for some magic answer, just don't know what that is. Its hard to try and just shed emotions for someone, especially when you feel that the positives were amazing and the negatives could be overcome easily. I still feel it could work out even better than before but I dont want to seem desperate. One other thing is that I have a ring and had already gotten the ok from her parents to ask her to marry me, I just hadnt done it yet, I was in my head about it. We had talked about our future and I still have this feeling that even though she was really upset, she still wants the same. I still feel that there is something there, just have to see if she will talk to me at some point, trying to figure out when though. My thoughts were about 30 days before contacting her. I thought that was a good amount of time after three and a half years of dating. I know that there is no set date and again each situation is different, but does anyone have a suggestions?

[Bill3]

I think that if you are to have a chance with her, you need to take responsibility for your part in the many problems that bedeviled this relationship.

That means that you humbly tell her everything you did wrong, apologize, and ask for forgiveness.

That means that you don't blame her, or her friends, for anything.

Maybe you did this already, but if so it does not seem to have led to improvements in your behavior.

My girlfriend just moved out on the 7th but left the house on the 1st after a massive fight.

It takes two to fight. What was your responsibility in this fight, why did you not stop fighting?

I did everything I could to make amends with her and rekindle the relationship.

What did you do?

Things were going really well until i hit my head and spiraled downward.

Are you saying that problems with your head caused the fights and breakup? What sort of treatment were you getting (medical and psychotherapeutic) for the injury?

We moved in and had some smaller disagreements but nothing that could not be worked through or taken care of with a hug. She wanted me to cuddle her more and show more affection but I was having so many mental issues with my head I couldn't do anything but concentrate on my health.

What was the reasoning behind moving in after a breakup and you having serious health problems. If it was true that you literally could do nothing but concentrate on your health, it was wrong and unwise to move in. But was that literally true? Right now, you claim to be able to show concern for her in spite of your injury. Why now and not before?

I was hurt and didn't know how to deal with it so we just argued over really dumb stuff.

How is she to know that this will not happen again? What was your responsibility in starting/prolonging the arguments?

We started arguing more in December when she told me she was going on a trip to Italy to a friends wedding in August that I was not invited to.

Was this mature of you, to argue over this wedding? You are not married to her and you are not automatically entitled to an invitation, particularly to the wedding of someone that you disparage. Did you begrudge her this trip to Italy to share in her friend's happiness?

I was hurt and didn't know how to deal with it so we just argued over really dumb stuff.

People in mature relationships find ways to deal with the hurt other than arguing over dumb stuff.

but I feel that she made a quick decision because of this same friend that had a hand in Us separating last year (its also her wedding).

Do not blame the friend for your gf's decision. When you do that you diminish your gf, as if to say she does not know her own mind or cannot think for herself about something so basic as her bf. Leave the friend out of this.

I had thought about making amends with her friend and family first but I don't know how to go about it.

No. Do not hand the keys to your gf's heart to this friend and her family. And, as above, do not diminish your gf by suggesting that she needs her friend to figure out what to do or you will make amends by way of her friend. Have the courage to approach your gf directly.

I think that you need to prove to her that you have developed the maturity to end fights rather than start/continue them, that you can take care of yourself as well as love another, and that you are no longer going to make excuses or blame other people. If/when you can be man enough to humbly apologize to her for your wrongs, without blaming her for anything, if/when you can demonstrate that you are a new and better man, she might be willing to give you another chance. Might.

I am looking for some magic answer, just don't know what that is.

This is not a mature comment. There is no magic answer when you have argued endlessly and hurt someone you supposedly love to the point that they move out and refuse to speak with you. There is only the humbling of yourself and the admission that you were wrong.

Its hard to try and just shed emotions for someone, especially when you feel that the positives were amazing and the negatives could be overcome easily.

I doubt that the negatives can be overcome "easily", but they might possibly be overcome.

I still feel it could work out even better than before but I dont want to seem desperate.

Why not seem desperate? Why this false pride?

You are desperate. You know that you screwed up and you are desperate for another chance.

You sent her mom a birthday card. That was thoughtful of you, but under the circumstances your bringing that up here troubles me. Again: you diminish your gf when you suggest that others can influence her, or that it matters whether or not her mother likes you or wishes you well. One could look at this in another way: that you can be kind to her mother but not to her.

My advice is to make a comprehensive list of your wrongs, take responsibility for each and every one of them and admit them to her, humbly apologize, and ask her forgiveness.

[hvert]

Are you already in counseling on your own? If not, perhaps you could start that process before you bring up the idea of couples counseling with your ex.