Heated arguments

So I have lived with my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years. We have been together for about 4 1/2 years.. but every now and then we get into these arguments. We end up practically at each other's throats for a few hours before one of us backs down.

I guess, it's important that you know that I have a lot of personal issues that I haven't worked through yet. I have decided in the last year that I really just hate myself and feel everyone would probably be better off without me. We talked last night after a really bad argument (as in he was going to move out).. He says he sees things in me like pride and spite and that I have to realize that I have these kinds of attributes (pride, spite, envy, etc) of my personality. He thinks that in order for us to be able to communicate better, I will have to learn to accept who I am including the bad stuff. I guess I just don't really know what it takes exactly to overcome these bad traits.

I had some questions thoug.. like how do you know when you're being prideful? Like versus having someone try to manipulate or take advantage of you. I just recently realized that I dint really know how to be in a functional relationship. I haven't had the best role models. But he is special to me. I can see myself going through the long haul with him and I want to better myself. I just don't know how.

Hi southernpieceofmind, welcome to PC. Well, what I am concerned about is your low self worth right now. I think you need to see a therapist and get to the bottom of that. The relationship problems may not be all your fault either. Your partner may be to blame for the way your discussions get so heated that way.

Can I ask how old you are?

I am 24. I have talked to my doctor about a therapist.. She says she can give a referral but that none of the therapists are taking new patients right now.

Also, I forgot to mention.. I have a tendency to push people away. I don't do it on purpose and I don't know why I do it either. If they aren't really close to me, I will try and keep them at a distance. I have always had a hard time opening up to people.

Ok, she said she would give a referral, why don't you do a search yourself, maybe even make some calls too. Don't just settle for "I don't know if anyone is taking new patients right now".

Also, see if there are any DBT groups that are meeting around your area too. If you do a search in your area, you may just come up with something ok?

Who diagnosed the Depression?

Sometimes people with Depression, if that is what you struggle with are passive/agressive and that is why I suggested the DBT as that can help you be more assertive and learn how to pull back so the discussions with your boyfriend don't get so heated.

NEVER, feed into the "everyone would probably be better off without me thoughts" ok?
You can certainly learn how to do better with relationships, hey, we all have to LEARN about that, and even reach out for help sometimes too. You are still so young yet, do not beat yourself up ok?

You could also go to the library and see what books are there about "developing healthy relationships", may even be books about DBT as well. It never hurts to visit the library and get a card and explore.

Well I first spoke to my gyno (I know it's odd) but I thought my BC was making me crazy and I was having some other issues as well. He started me on Paxil but I was having a lot of side effects. It did help but the side effects were ones I couldn't deal with. So I started seeing a family med doctor and she told me that she was well versed in mental illness and that I had all classic signs of depression and started Prozac. That made the anxiety so bad I couldn't see straight. She changed me to lexapro and I've been on that for a little more than 6 months now.

Here recently, I seemed to have had a misunderstanding and pushed away some very important people. That combined with the constant rain and lack of sunshine and fresh air , I think caused me to go into a very dark place. Last Sunday I spent the afternoon crying my eyes out and thinking of all the ways I could end it all so I called my doctor Monday and got an appointment that afternoon. They started me on Wellbutrin to help give the lexapro a little kick. I didn't get to see my primary Monday though, so I have been seen by 3 doctors now.

I am hugely passive aggressive and I hate it. I do try not to be but sometimes I act/say and then I think about it. I know it's backwards.

What's DBT? I will try not to beat myself up over it all. I just have always been like this.. You know the saying "you are your worst critic" is definitely true for me.

Thank you for your kind responses. It is definitely appreciated.

It's ok ((((southernpieceofmind))), a lot of people are passive/agressive, it's certainly not the end of the world, that is something you can learn to change and develop better/healthier skills. Hey, you know what? We all grow and learn and honestly, 24 is still very young. And most at that age think they are supposed to have it all together, well, sorry, but that isn't how it really is. You know what, go into your search bar and type that question in, "what is DBT" and you should be able to read about it.

Also, if you are using birth control, that can actually throw off your hormones and make you depressed. My daughter can't go on birth control pills (made her depressed) for example, she ended up using an IUD instead.

Want to know a secret, most people "are" their own worst critics.

((Hugs))

Thank you. I have a recheck planned with my doc about the wellbutrin in a month and I did just switch to a different bc because I had a feeling it was playing a part in all of this. I am supposed to go back to my gyno doc next month to talk about whether or not I think it's helped. I will ask him about the iud method.

Good, sounds like a plan. Never forget, hormones play a big role in how we feel physically and emotionally. Some women really don't do well on oral contreceptives and it is important to read the side effects and pay attention. Actually, some Oral Birth control pills, even shots have been taken off the market and have caused big problems.

It is very important to pay attention to how you are in your cycles because the reason women struggle with PMS, is the shift in their hormone levels as their body cycles always being ready to produce offspring. Birth control medications "do" change the way this process takes place in the body. We "are" playing around with nature when we change our normal body functions, we do this for convenience, but we "are" making changes. So it's very important to pay attention to how your body is reacting to this forced change as it is really "not" agreeable in everyone.