I want to prevent a Divorce.. Help

Before I met my husband he was dating a girl. He left her an they went their separate ways. He later met me and we were together for a little. She would constantly call and txt asking if they could be friends or try again. During a 4 month period I went to his state of residence to see him twice and then he came home on pre deployment leave to see me and his parents. He ignored all her calls while he was home. When leave was over he left. She then showed up at his room because he avoided her from that point they decided to give it another chance. So I let him go so he could get his mind right and did not contact him. 2 months later he was writing me and 3 months after that we were back together. But I specifically asked him "what do you want" before we got back together. Anyway we got married about a year later. About a month later somehow the girl finds out we were married and writes a passive aggressive email saying congrats on your marriage. Then goes into how she should have been informed asking what happened to them? 6months into our marriage he come home out of nowhere and starts packing his things. He went back to our home state for a weekend to clear his mind and ended up talking going to her. Pretty much he wanted to leave because that she got into head and and tried to convince him to leave his wife and marriage (keyword wife and marriage) to give and old "relationship" another try. He even took it as far as "pretending" to want to mend things for 2 days just to show me how destructive he can be. We worked through that after about 2 weeks. He was a pretty depressed and ashamed that he almost destroyed his wife/soulmate. By the grace of God we made it through and We were doing amazing. Last week he began acting differently again not really speaking or acknowledging my presence. he wouldn't even touch me. The following 3 days were a little better. Tuesday night he asked me the name of the counselor we saw because he wanted to see her alone. But he didn't want me to go. He broke down and told me the reason. Pretty much it's for the same reason as before. What I can't understand is why he responds to her.. All she is going to do is try to convince him to leave me. Only a woman with no self respect and morals would flat out not respect a marriage. She claims to be a woman of God but what woman of God encourages divorce?? Yes he did love her in the past he has left her 3 times and MARRIED me, and ME for a reason. It's like he forgets those reasons. I hate that he doesn't realize something unless it's gone. He should know better than to entertain her bull And I'm not sure how long I can handle this like a lady before I snap. I put "us" in Gods hands since day one. I've prayed on this and Gods response remains unchanging.. Continue to fight for your marriage. But I'm afraid if I continue to fight it will push him closer to divorce. I hate hurting because it effects me physically, my body literally breaks down and wastes away.. I destroy myself to save him. I love him unconditionally and remain unyielding. I know as a wife I should love him even when he isn't deserving of it because that's when it's needed the most. I wrote him a heart felt txt during church on Sunday about through all of this I still support him. His response was come get your things and leave, then he disconnected my cell phone without me knowing and tell me to call 911 if I need anything. He gets in these moods where he shuts down and becomes so cold and heartless.. You can see the emptiness in his eyes. He says I'm his underlying problem but he only becomes a heartless sociopath when he is in contact with the ex girlfriend. I feel that she somehow triggers him. He only tries to destroy me while in contact with her. He has no remorse and could care less about consequences. And he has told me in the past that he has no sympathy but will mimic the feeling if everyone around him is feeling a certain way. He is away for but when he comes back in a week he plans on moving out of our home. No one, not even his family can understand his behavior right now. I need guidance. Please help how can I reach out to him? How can I save my marriage?

I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe it's just not meant to be as he does seem controlling and manipulative. I give you lots of hugs as you try to figure this all out.

So sorry you are going through this. If my partner or husband went or wanted to go to his ex I would be done. And I am very forgiving. I wouldn't blame the girl though. If a guy isn't interested in a girl no one can convince him. He isn't with her because she is calling or texting.

I wouldn't waste my time saving this marriage. Do you have kids? If not file for divorce. You deserve much better. Hugs and the best of luck

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I couldn't tell if you were saying you are starving yourself for your husband or not. Please don't do that. No marriage worth having is worth starving oneself. Do what you need to, to protect your assets and to ensure you have what you need. Your husband should not be able to cut you off with no telephone. If you need to buy a cheap phone and a minutes card, do it, but don't let him cut you off from the world.

Start counseling for yourself. Strong women are the best antidote to controlling men. And vice versa, for men who are in situations similar to yours. Decide what you are willing to accept (and what you are not willing to put up with) and then act accordingly.

Marriages should not include other women (or other men). Work with your counselor to help you come to a decision about what you want, how you want your life to go, what you expect from a marriage and a husband, and then stand firm on that. Do you run the risk of your husband walking out permanently if you stand firm and say "no more"? Yes. But that would also indicate the poor state of your marriage, too. You deserve better.

Involve your pastor. Get marital counseling from the pastor and if your husband won't go, go alone to at least discuss the situation.

I wish you happiness.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. However, your husband is the issue not the other woman. He is making his choices. Please find a therapist for yourself to work out your feelings.

He has been unfaithful - twice. Put that on HIM not on the other woman.

I too am a woman of faith, but, I don't believe that God expects you to be your husbands door mat. He must have consequences for the betrayal of his vows - and unless and until you create some healthy boundaries with him - he will continue to keep you on the hamster wheel. Seek some Godly counsel ...

How long did you know him before you married him? The first time the ex girlfriend contacted him he should of changed and blocked his number. He's mad at himself and taking it out on you. Some people can't point the
finger at themselves. Your the scapegoat. You say he shuts down and is cold and heartless. At what point does he do that?
At what point does he shut down? What type of situation are you in that he shuts down?
Sounds like he's mad at himself but is blaming you for his problems. Problems that you can't really help him with unless he talks to you about them.

This is an awful thing to be going through. Your husband and his female friend sound like two people who may deserve each other. If you are still young, and I take it that you are, you might be happier 10 years from now, if you get out of this marriage now.

It's hard to face the immediate loss and loneliness. But, if you're free, you can look for a man whose idea of marriage meshes with your own. Your husband may have gone through a wedding ceremony, but in his mind, I don't think he ever really made the full commitment. He's had one foot in and one foot out since the two if you met.

If you don't have kids, thank your lucky stars and get out before you do.

So sorry you are dealing with this and that you're placing yourself in the role of martyr for your marriage.


You deserve better, I'm sure God only wants what's best for us.


Sorry to say but your husband doesn't sound like any kind of best to me.


I would never even entertain the thought of staying with someone who openly admits he can't choose me and only me.


Seems as if you are the only one taking your vows seriously in this marriage, doesn't look like he's been 100% yours at any point in your relationship.


Sure blame the other woman, most wives find that much easier to do than admit their husband can think for himself and is clearly choosing infidelity, but I personally wouldn't blame her, I would thank her for showing me my husbands true colors.


Then....

I would put him in a big box that says "Recycled Goods" with a bow on it, and send it off to her with a card that says "Good luck, he's your problem now"


Last but not least, I would go on my knees and thank God that I didn't subject myself to that man for the rest of my life, because no husband is much better than a part time husband in my book.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a different take on your situation and I hope it helps.

It sounds as thought your husband and this other woman have a very toxic relationship that involves a lot of pushing and pulling. I know first hand that toxic relationships are the hardest to kick. It is usually indicative of some childhood issue that is being relived with a person that evokes familiar feelings. Whatever the deeply rooted cause it isn't an easy thing to get over. In fact most don't ever get over it so much as they simply just choose a better and more healthy road.

Your husband seems to be stuck in a merri-go-round with this woman and neither one cares who gets hurt when they go round and round. This leaves you in a vulnerable spot if you don't take a cold hard look at what you are willing to put up with and where you draw you line in the sand - everyone has their limit!

How can you trust this man even if you get a good five committed years from him? This woman has shown time and time again (despite his vows to you before god and your friends/families) that she can very easily come in and wreak havoc if she so chooses because YOUR HUSBAND allows it.

If he truly wanted to be rid of her he could be. He chose to allow himself to be contacted by her despite his vow to forsake all others for you. That is a problem. I would strongly urge you to start sharing your heartache with a support system and build yourself up...that way you have a nice strong foundation to start asking yourself what your boundaries are.

Perhaps you will someday get to the point where you are able to forgive your husband and move forward...that can happen but only if he seeks to admit, own, and change his behavior. It will require a lot of repair work on his end like giving you a lot more transparency (i.e. showing you his phone records, giving you reassurance and proof that he is not in contact with this woman or any other for that matter).

Stay strong and know that you have power in this situation...it comes with knowing that at any point you can decide that you are not willing to accept bad behavior even once more.

Why be with someone who can easily turn his feelings off. In fact I fear for you because he seems to lack empathy and other socially acceptable feelings....forgoing them and taking on whatever feelings his collective peers tell him to. Not such a good sign there.