[FrustratedFiancee]

Hello all,

I am new here and I just wanted some emotional support for my situation. I'm living with and engaged to someone with BPD. I'm often torn between feelings of love for her and the frustration that comes with her symptoms. The symptom that is hardest on me is that she is frequently depressed for no perceivable reason at all and I can't do anything about it. I'm a generally happy guy who makes a lot of jokes and likes to keep things friendly and easy-going, but this doesn't work with her. I have a 70 hour/week job and together I'm running out of energy to be happy myself.

Earnestly, OutOfEnergy

[~Christina]

Is she in Therapy? DBT classes? Is she taking responsibility of herself and working to keep her bpd in check. Do you have a good understanding what bpd is and how this will indeed be a problem at times through out your marriage?

If a person mental illness or not is feeling depressed no amount of jokes or humor is going to change it on a dime.

Maybe shes depressed she's not seeing much of you. 70 hours a week is a lot of time apart from her. Could be shes just feeling insecure?

Welcome to PC

[FrustratedFiancee]

Thanks for your response Christina,

We are currently seeing a therapist together (largely for insurance reasons). I'm not very confident in the therapist though. She doesn't seem as educated and professional as my therapists have been. We're both vaguely aware of DBT but I'm not sure where we would have access to DBT classes. Is there a good way to search for this sort of thing? Thankfully she is taking responsibility and working on it. In fact in the last 2 months particularly things have gotten easier. The tough times are just as tough but are less frequent. I'd say the new pattern is a 3-4:1 ratio of good days to bad, whereas it used to be more 1:1. I have made an attempt to educate myself about BPD. I am a biologist so the reading hasn't been hard for me, but it does seem that much remains to be discovered about the nature of this disorder and that the symptoms are highly variable.

At times I have wondered whether my hours are destructive to our relationship but the data doesn't support that hypothesis. Sometimes I have weeks where I work more like 45-50 hours and those times are just as difficult. If anything they have been more difficult. I can't be sure that's not just coincidence, but I don't think more time with her is what's needed.

I really wish I could convince her to go out and meet people. I go to tons of parties, conferences and other social gatherings and it's extremely rare that I can convince her to join me. It seems to me that she would be happier if she had more people to talk to.

Thanks again!

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Is she in Therapy? DBT classes? Is she taking responsibility of herself and working to keep her bpd in check. Do you have a good understanding what bpd is and how this will indeed be a problem at times through out your marriage?

If a person mental illness or not is feeling depressed no amount of jokes or humor is going to change it on a dime.

Maybe shes depressed she's not seeing much of you. 70 hours a week is a lot of time apart from her. Could be shes just feeling insecure?

Welcome to PC

[newday2020]

Maybe she would like to come here.......

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by FrustratedFiancee

I really wish I could convince her to go out and meet people. I go to tons of parties, conferences and other social gatherings and it's extremely rare that I can convince her to join me. It seems to me that she would be happier if she had more people to talk to.

Thanks again!

Incorrect thinking IF she is an introvert. (This is a common misperception of extroverts in relation to what SHOULD be healing.)

Yes, social interaction IS in general a good thing, but if she is an introvert, she would be much better suited to one on one interaction, or maybe a get together with a few friends.

Parties are not so much fun for many introverted people.... And before you make a snap judgment as to whether or not she is an introvert.... An introvert is simply someone who energizes through alone time whereas an extrovert is someone who energizes through contact with people. So you energize through all that social contact, but that may not exactly be up her alley.

Try to encourage smaller activities instead of large parties. Not everyone is a party animal....

[Trippin2.0]

I don't see my bf much at all lately...


You know what's worse than not spending enough time with him? Getting that time and feeling utterly heartbroken when it comes to a halt.



Weird I know



I very much try to steel myself toward the end, mentally remind myself its inevitable, which makes it easier, but its evident that I'm still affected as I subconsciously pick a fight with him the next day.

He's been great at catching them tho, it's good one of us can recognize it before I implode...

We dont even always get into a huge discussion. Sometimes he just sends me a loving and encouraging message, and my eyes open.



Just thought I would provide that bit of personal info, it may be the insight you need, or it may not.

Idk your fiance.

Hope things improve for you both soon.