intimacy-foreign behavior

I am everyday confronted with couples being intimate or themes, subjects or whatever just reminds me of the existence of intimacy.
My attitude has changed during the last years, it´s not alway been like this today but..today I feel like becoming sick or at least I try to avoid seeing others intimately embracing, kissing...best I´d like to make it vanish out of my world
and even less I can imagine intimacy in my own life...I consider it could be I haven´t met the right one yet, who makes it possible for me to bear nearness, but whatever....
I just begin to accept this and respect me being , feeling this way.
...does anyone know something like this? This sickness appearing when even looking at a kissing couple? I don´t know anyone who feels the same way, so i don`t even talk a lot about this. maybe here I could find some resonance, I thought...
I won´t fight against this any longer, cause I know this makes it worse, this would just make me feelin ripped, teared apart, being apart, beside myself..
any thoughts on this?
yours ...cy..

I've always been like this, although to a lesser extent now that I actually am involved with someone intimately. But it's difficult for me to participate in any sort of PDA because I know it hurts other people.

I'm surprised other people don't feel the same way…maybe they just won't admit it?

I used to feel like this when I was not in a relationship. I was... jealous... of other people's relationships and had very low self esteem issues.

As long as people aren't over the board with this I don't care either wAy

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I find it hard to look. Whenever I see couples being intimate I quickly try to look away. I actually get a fear response when I do see things like that. I'm not allowed to experience love says my brain. I want it but I am not sure I can handle it. The demands. The closeness. I hate being me.

Now I begin to question if I actually want love or was I just taught that by society to be the thing I want. My internal core seems to fear it.

For years I felt I wasn't human because I had a fear of leaving the house and being normal. I started to give up on the idea of anything.

Is it right, PDA means public display of affection?
yes thats one thing, this habit in public ,but the other is that intimacy in general means difficulties and "feeling uncomfortable" to me.even when I see pictures or movies, scenes...
@Steiner of Thule
Thats an important question. Who we really are? What is the uninfluenced me like? and it´s also kind of frightening to figure that out, isn´t it?

Hard to be uninfluenced because everything we are has been subjected to influence.

but I think one can divide between harming influence and healthy influence even though it´s sometimes not that obvious. this is what I try to differenciate to figure out and based on this knowlegde as an adult I am able to direct the influence or to defend myself , keep myself away from harm... to get to know who I am and what I really need .

I expect this is the case, but of course I could be wrong. I was a similar way, now again am. ¬_¬ I await the "right one" who can be patient with me.

It could be jealousy, but it could also be that you are offended that they are being socially inappropriate. I mean, a peck, okay, but making out, or more? They are not thinking about how they are affecting other people around them. It could be that's what you're reacting to, that they are so obviously not caring about anyone but themselves.

maybe that´s one reason, but I also don´t like it when watching a movie or something similar, I just switch off

That's one thing I don't like about relationships is PDA. I don't like to do this or even hold hands in public. I am not in a relationship now but when I was in one I didn't do PDA. I can't control what the public does. I don't mind seeing a little kiss but the make out scenes disgust me.

specifically I cannot relate to this PDA-thing , but generally I sometimes find it kind of enviable that some people are able to feel this free in public