[Seeyalater]

My husband wouldnt speak to me. I was finally able to get him to talk. He cried and said it was all my fault. That he felt like a father to me than a husband because he pays all the bills. He then said I could stay in the house and that he was leaving. He needed time. I left because he makes the house payments and figured its his house. I left with no where to go. I have no family in the area and all the friends we have are his because he grew up in this area. I finally just drove to my parents3 hours away. Ive been gone seven days and we have not spoke. I try texting him and he still wont respond. I have asked his family and they said to give him time. I work two jobs and I am two months away from completing my masters. I do pay the small bills,clean the house,and travel with the second job. He hasnt asked if
Im ok, where am I sleeping, nothing.
I need advice. Is he really that mad over paying the bills. We only have basic bill. We have no credit cards, no car payments. We will be together six years in May and two years married in June.

[peaceseeker63]

Unfortunately, only he can answer your questions. It sounds like a frustrating place to be in because you can't get any resolution if he isn't willing to talk. I would listen to his family and give him some time.

[Seeyalater]

Yes. I have left him alone because that is what he has asked for. Its been really hard on me not knowing what he wants and with my finals coming up. I just needed advice from outsiders. Thank you.

[Agentfyre]

I agree with the above. I know it's been a week already, but he may need a lot more time to be able to communicate with you effectively. There's really nothing you can do if he won't talk with you.

It's unlikely that this is all happening because he's paying the bills, but only he can answer that. It's more likely that there's more underneath that he hasn't yet communicated (and may not yet be ready to communicate) that is really the source of this problem.

One thing I want you to know though: "It's all your fault" is a false statement. In a relationship, it takes two to make a mistake. Even if there' something that you're doing that has upset him, he needs to communicate this with you to resolve anything. Wait for him to be ready to communicate with you, and then see what needs to be done to find resolution. And I encourage you to come back here for support when you know more.

[Seeyalater]

Well I finally met with him. He said for me to come home. I came home we talked and talked. Things weren't perfect but he was back to talking to me normal. The next morning we got ready for work. We hugged said I love you and left. By noon. I received a text message that said he wasn't ready to have me back in the house so I needed to move out until if figured out what he wanted. I said ok. He said all this is my fault. He told me he spoke to his grandma and I can live with her. He mentioned that he would come by once a week so we can go on a walk, go to dinner, or maybe a movie.
How can someone one day be fine and the next day turn the tables.

[Seeyalater]

Well to add to this story. He told me last night that he is having some sort of breakdown. He cried then said a few mean things and in the same sentence said he loved me but failed me. This behavior went on through the night. He said he cant handle things at work anymore. He knows he needs help but cant go get it. I asked if he had some sort of bipolar and he ask who in his family told him that. So i know wondering if he has always had an issues and I'm just seeing it now.

Need advice please.

[NWgirl2013]

The mind set that it is "all your fault" only shows he is in a very skewed place in his head. He is crying out for help. Can you arrange some counseling for him with his participation?

Sounds like work is a big factor, and some perception of your relationship that is off kilter and clearly there is something he is not telling you. He needs help to sort it out and stop blaming you. He said he feels he is breaking down, so is he able to take a sabbatical?

In the meantime, focus on getting through this final step in your degree. It is really important for you to do this for yourself.

Best to you ...

[Seeyalater]

I'm working on getting him to talk to someone first. I will continue my school I'm to close to quit now. He works for the family business and no one has stepped in. As of now I'm standing by him and will continue to help in anyway possible. If at the end he stills thinks its my fault then I should probably just leave. I can only do so much and dont know what else I could do for him. I will take it day by day. At one point I have to focus on myself to get my degree done and possibly find a place to live.

[Seeyalater]

I'm so confused. I dont know what to think anymore. I left the house so Im back to living with my small piece of luggage on couches. All I keep getting is its my fault. He did cry and said he is having problems but I needed to leave so he can figure things out. He is having some sort of breakdown but seems to point it all at me.

No matter what, don't take what he is saying personally.

Is anyone in his family available for you (who have seen him lately)? Perhaps you could come up with a plan of action to help him.

Honestly, when I was at my worse I was not capable of getting myself to any kind of doctor. I really needed someone to make the decision and the appointment. And get me there.

[Seeyalater]

From the beginning of all this the family has turned their back on me. He has said some hurtful things. The family said its up to him to get it together. With his breakdown from work (family Business) he claims this is all my fault (the family supporting him). Now during his breakdown he's very cold, hurtful, and not the man I married. With the crying episodes this is some sort of breakdown. Right?

[Mygrandjourney]

It's hard to say what exactly is going on without knowing more about him and his history, but it does sound like some sort of professional intervention is indicated to find out. On the face of it, possibly some kind of depression. His family doesn't sound very supportive at least regarding this. Take care of yourself and find some support.

[Seeyalater]

It's not only what he is saying. It's putting me out of the house and I'm hopping from friend to friend. I have a duffle bag of clothes and my small lap dog with me. His family won't speak to me and I think it's because of them thinking it's all my fault. I'm going to get therapy because I'm so confused and hurt. I'm feeling like I'm a horrible person. I thought he and his family loved me.
He said if he lets me come home he wants to be the king of the house.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by marieburch

It's not only what he is saying. It's putting me out of the house and I'm hopping from friend to friend. I have a duffle bag of clothes and my small lap dog with me. His family won't speak to me and I think it's because of them thinking it's all my fault. I'm going to get therapy because I'm so confused and hurt. I'm feeling like I'm a horrible person. I thought he and his family loved me.
He said if he lets me come home he wants to be the king of the house.

You don't say where you live, but in the US, your husband cannot just throw you out of your home, and he has an obligation to support you. Go home, tell him that if he is upset he can leave and go live with his mother, but that you are staying in your home. He needs to see a counselor for whatever his emotional difficulty is; and I think you need your own separate counselor. His family should have no say in your marriage. If you are in another country with a different set of cultural 'rules'; then you already know which common standards your husband is breaking and you should seek whatever is accepted as the equivalent of a counselor for some intervention. Stand up for yourself. If your husband was adult enough to get married, he needs to be adult in the marriage.

[Seeyalater]

We live in California. He says he is having a mental breakdown due to work. Yet to cover it up he told his family its me. He works in the family business and dislikes his job. Yet he wont tell the family its the job (i'm the scapegoat). The only thing I could think of is he doesn't want to let them down. Yes I am going to get therapy on my own.
My question is why is he doing this to me? If he wants a divorce he just needs to say it. Ive asked him and he says he doesnt. Does he sound like he is having some sort of mental issue?

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by marieburch

We live in California. He says he is having a mental breakdown due to work. Yet to cover it up he told his family its me. He works in the family business and dislikes his job. Yet he wont tell the family its the job (i'm the scapegoat). The only thing I could think of is he doesn't want to let them down. Yes I am going to get therapy on my own.
My question is why is he doing this to me? If he wants a divorce he just needs to say it. Ive asked him and he says he doesnt. Does he sound like he is having some sort of mental issue?

To answer your questions he is doing it to you because he so far he has gotten away with it and because he views you as more vulnerable than himself and least likely to fight back. And yes, it is some sort of mental issue. Common sense would tell him that abusing you is no way to resolve whatever his career and family of origin issues are. But his common sense has left him. However, I'm more concerned about you. He cannot put you out of your own home. And since you are a couple, it is your home, too, regardless of who is actually paying the bills. It's time to be honest with him, with his family and with yourself. You don't need to wait for him to ask for a divorce, either. You would be well-advised to start acting on your own behalf and stop worrying about him. By the way, the way he is now … he is the man you married. You might not have seen that in him. But it was there. Stop couch surfing, go home, and if you need to, get a locksmith to let you in your own home. Bring the police with you, if you need to.

[divine1966]

Even if the house is on his name and you are just a tenant still he can't just throw you out like this!!!! Go back and stay there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Seeyalater]

ok. I will do that. I will go back and he can leave. HE has plenty of places to stay which are close to work and family. I figured if I left it would be better than him having more of a melt down. When I moved with them it was just me. When he bought the house he surprised me with it ( 2 yrs ago) and Im not even sure my name is on it. April will make 6 years that we are together.What your saying is right ICE CREAM KID. I guess I never seen this in my husband. But he will always be this way or worse now that it has come out. At first I thought he could be having a breakdown and by me leaving would help. Well it hasn't. I'm exhausted, drained, and tired from couch surfing. To say the least two of my classes are coming to an end. Final are due Sunday by midnight.
More advice from you Ice Cream Kid or any others!!

As a student who is currently in finals week herself and who also has a family member (albeit not a spouse) in the middle of a breakdown who is putting her in an uncomfortable spot, I say you need to think about you right now. College is really tough--a master's degree even more so, and it's not cheap! You're both adults, and while this is really difficult, this is not actually life or death. Going through a mental crisis or a crisis of any kind really stinks and gosh, you sometimes grasp at anyone to be there for you, but it is certainly not okay for him to abuse you in the process. It's appropriate to help him find support and therapy if he's open to it. If not, and if he continues to be abusive and blaming, there is a boundary which you must draw for yourself between being a supportive wife and looking out for yourself. Saying, "Husband, you are an adult and need to put your big boy pants on and if you're not going to support me or not capable of doing so at least stop passing blame onto me and expecting me to be your scapegoat. While you figure that out, I'm going to go do what I'm doing and work on my master's degree" is not inappropriate or harsh. It's healthy. I had to draw this boundary with my family member--for me, it meant telling him what I could and could not do for him at this time in my life. And when he did not respect that, it meant deactivating Facebook, not returning text messages, not returning emails, and not allowing other family members to make me feel badly about doing this.

I wish you the best.

[shortandcute]

Lots of love and hugs to you--I know you're in a tough spot.

[Seeyalater]

I have gotten myself together and continuing to finish my Masters. He doesnt want to be a part of it I cant put it aside Im way to close. At this point I am going forward and taking care of myself. I was heart broken because he did this and now im starting to get over it. If anything else comes up I will post. If anyone else has any advice please continue to send them my way. It helps to hear that Im not the bad person.

[Agentfyre]

I just want to echo what everyone else said. This man has no right to abuse you, kick you out of your home, or blame you for everything. Those are all hostile actions. Unfortunately, the only thing allowing him to do those things to you is you. You have to be the one to stand up for yourself, because no one else can do that for you. He wants to be "king of the house." Well you're Queen! Don't give him control over you.

Did you get back into your home yet? How are things going?

[Seeyalater]

No I have not been back at the house yet. I'm currently watching a friends home until Friday. So after Friday I will do so. I received a message from him last night that he purchased a boat. I still wonder if he has some sort of mental disorder, control issues (which I have not seen before), or ?

He blames me for for spending to much time on my Masters and over a cake he made in June that I didn't show as much excitement as I should of. Please give me some advice on the last comments.

[nicoleflynn]

Whatever it is, it isn't your fault........I wouldn't leave the house. Obviously he isn't telling you the truth (or is afraid to)...another woman? Mental health issue? He definitely needs help and you need to stop moving around and stay in the house.

He buys a boat without any discussion? Something is very wrong, and unless he gets help....the odd behavior will continue.

My suggestion is to get help for YOURSELF to help you deal with this.

[Seeyalater]

That's exactly what I was thinking. That's a big purchase to just go out and buy. I do know in my heart it isn't me but I just wanted to get some feedback. Outsiders can see things that maybe myself cant. Its a very strange behavior. The first two weeks he refused to text me. This week he is. I'm not even sure why if I'm such a rotten person. At this point Im only responding with a word or two.