[mommaxo]

I was reading an article earlier on pyschcentral called "Are You A Love Addict? 5 Signs You Simply Can't Ignore"
Everything in that article was relateable to some degree or another.

#1. Attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable and abusive- I Actually made a post earlier asking why I always attract the wrong kind of guy . After reading this article It has me wondering if maybe it's not about what I'm attracting, rather what Kind of men I'm going for. I usually wind up with the same kind of guy. hard headed, bitter, anger problems, drinking problem, low self esteem, withdrawn kind of guy. I always end up resenting them, because I'm asking for something, they don't have to offer... and that would be emotional support.

#2. Abandonment of the self- this is a huge one for me. I always seem to lose myself when things start getting serious with someone. I will center my whole world around them. I'll forget to take care of myself. I won't pamper myself like I used to, or do the things I used to do. I kind of stop caring about staying in contact with friends, and going out and making new ones. I spend all my time and energy, and emotions on them. that if we end up splitting up, my whole world will feel like it's crumbling around me, and I'll feel empty.

#3. Self-destructive behaviors- i would always drink a lot. That my poison. It would help numb my emotional pain. Not feeling pretty enough for him. Not feeling skinny enough. Just not feeling good enough in general. When I would feel lonely in the relationship, booze was my lover.

#4. Pattern of caustic attachments - I was always bad for jumping from one relationship to another with the same kind of guy. I once got with a guy when I was stable, and happy to try and fix him. In the end his bad habits, and addictions rubbed off on me, and I ended up exactly where he was. I learned that you can't fix men over the years. Even if they do change, they're doing it for you, not themselves. which usually results in resentment, and hostility towards you. even if you were "just trying to help them " . I would have almost like emotional withdrawl symptoms from my relationships, such as depression and anxiety. And just like the article said "These symptoms are only cured when a new love obsession replaces the old". Instead of getting over the relationship. I would be busy getting drowning my sorrows in alcohol, and trying to replace the ex.

I'm starting to realize my bad patterns as I get older. I'm starting to realize a lot of these behaviours were because I didn't love myself enough to be able to tolerate being single, and on my own. I couldn't depend on me. I had to be dependant on other men to make me feel beautiful, happy, stable, and secure. It was a vicious cycle, of relationships that went nowhere, and usually ended horribly. In a way I was using them for my own emotional needs. Maybe that's why it was so easy for me to hurt them. even If i did love them. If my needs weren't being met, in a way they were a waste of my time.

I really enjoyed reading that article because It helped opened my eyes a bit. I guess it was always easier blaming in it on men, and not meeting the right ones. I guess for now I'm going to try to continue being okay with being single. It does get lonely at times, but I know I can't get with someone, just to forget about my own problems, and distract myself with theirs.

[JoeS21]

Originally Posted by mommaxo

I was reading an article earlier on pyschcentral called "Are You A Love Addict? 5 Signs You Simply Can't Ignore"
Everything in that article was relateable to some degree or another.

#1. Attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable and abusive- I Actually made a post earlier asking why I always attract the wrong kind of guy . After reading this article It has me wondering if maybe it's not about what I'm attracting, rather what Kind of men I'm going for. I usually wind up with the same kind of guy. hard headed, bitter, anger problems, drinking problem, low self esteem, withdrawn kind of guy. I always end up resenting them, because I'm asking for something, they don't have to offer... and that would be emotional support.

#2. Abandonment of the self- this is a huge one for me. I always seem to lose myself when things start getting serious with someone. I will center my whole world around them. I'll forget to take care of myself. I won't pamper myself like I used to, or do the things I used to do. I kind of stop caring about staying in contact with friends, and going out and making new ones. I spend all my time and energy, and emotions on them. that if we end up splitting up, my whole world will feel like it's crumbling around me, and I'll feel empty.

#3. Self-destructive behaviors- i would always drink a lot. That my poison. It would help numb my emotional pain. Not feeling pretty enough for him. Not feeling skinny enough. Just not feeling good enough in general. When I would feel lonely in the relationship, booze was my lover.

#4. Pattern of caustic attachments - I was always bad for jumping from one relationship to another with the same kind of guy. I once got with a guy when I was stable, and happy to try and fix him. In the end his bad habits, and addictions rubbed off on me, and I ended up exactly where he was. I learned that you can't fix men over the years. Even if they do change, they're doing it for you, not themselves. which usually results in resentment, and hostility towards you. even if you were "just trying to help them " . I would have almost like emotional withdrawl symptoms from my relationships, such as depression and anxiety. And just like the article said "These symptoms are only cured when a new love obsession replaces the old". Instead of getting over the relationship. I would be busy getting drowning my sorrows in alcohol, and trying to replace the ex.

I'm starting to realize my bad patterns as I get older. I'm starting to realize a lot of these behaviours were because I didn't love myself enough to be able to tolerate being single, and on my own. I couldn't depend on me. I had to be dependant on other men to make me feel beautiful, happy, stable, and secure. It was a vicious cycle, of relationships that went nowhere, and usually ended horribly. In a way I was using them for my own emotional needs. Maybe that's why it was so easy for me to hurt them. even If i did love them. If my needs weren't being met, in a way they were a waste of my time.

I really enjoyed reading that article because It helped opened my eyes a bit. I guess it was always easier blaming in it on men, and not meeting the right ones. I guess for now I'm going to try to continue being okay with being single. It does get lonely at times, but I know I can't get with someone, just to forget about my own problems, and distract myself with theirs.

I use to know someone in SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous). There may be a 12 step meeting near you if you think that would be helpful. Find an S.L.A.A. Meeting Near You | Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Based on what you said, I think there's a very good chance that you have correctly identified the problem and that's the first step to fixing it.

[indygerry]

I think youre on the right track momma. I've been there before and have friends that are walking posterchildren of love addicts. I mean really though, who doesn't want to feel love and accepted. At the core of human desire is the need to belong, to be cherished and appreciated. So it would only make sense that we seek out these kinds of relationships and sometimes to the point where it becomes unhealthy.

Be patient with yourself as you walk through the process of recalibrating and gaining some strength.

Have you read the book "co-dependency no more" by melodie beattie. It's for people who are co-dependant but it has a lot of really really wicked advice for the everyday person who wants to better themselves and has a lot of excellent tips. It might be worth checking out especially to help out with #4 - attachment issues.

[hamster-bamster]

I read the article. the author seems majorly confused, in that he is using the term "love addiction", which is really a horrendous term that shows a complete lack of understanding of what love is. At the same time, he provides a pointer to his old book in which he explains how not to confuse love with obsession, which shows that he does understand what love is, or at least did understand ten years ago when he wrote the book.

Given that the book has been available for almost a decade and Amazon has 11 reviews only, it does not seem to be so popular; still, most reviews are positive and perhaps it is worth reading the book for you. Why he even started talking about so-called love addiction when there is the term "codependency" is beyond me. Why could not he just talk about codependency, which seems to be something he knows a whole lot about?..

Anyway, in your case, being single for now seems to be the best strategy. And as long as you are on the right track, what words are used does not matter very much.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh, wow! I take it back about reading the book by this author. 11 reviews on Amazon only...

The book recommended by indygerry has over a thousand reviews, most of them positive. I would go with that one.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself Paperback – September 1, 1986
by Melody Beattie (Author)
1,043 customer reviews

[willing2learn]

Thanks to all of you who posted on here. Started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago, she suggested I was in a "relationship" with a sex addict for 4.5 years. (Didn't go to her for help with this, but she insisted this is where my problem rests.. which now I am starting to believe her.. ha) Anyway, I have read a few articles and I am codependent/love addict. I fit everything to a "T". Im sure my therapist recognized it.. but, I will discuss it with her next appt. I feel like a weight's been lifted just because it has a "name". And, thanks to you for posting on this thread maybe I can start to heal by reading that book. I am going buy it as soon as I am done on here.